Waiting For the Corn to Grow

I am biking so fast along the coastal highway, remembering a simpler time when I spent much of my time surrounded by marsupials, marsupial stuffed animals and bamboo leaves.

You awake in your room. Your socks are missing. You nod back off to sleep. You wake up and your room is filled with socks. You fall asleep again. You wake up and in front of you is a group of young socks performing a moving rendition of Swan Lake. You nod off one more time and this time when you awake you are outside your house and there is a row of socks staring at you in a menacing manner from your bedroom window.

The wind blows the hat off my head exposing my hair that usually makes small children cry. Except for that "odd" one that lives across the street. He just eats noodles.

You are running away from your brother. Both of you are on treadmills - yours is just set a little bit faster.

I went to see this horrible movie. It was incredibly bad and I spent the entire movie rolling my eyes. At one point I wondered why the characters kept rolling down a hill. I forced myself to focus, they were having a picnic on a hill top. The eye rolling, incidentally comes from my father's side of the family. I come from a long, proud line of eye rollers. While many of them were beheaded for this, I just ended up in the hospital surrounded by bed wetters. 

You spent your day eating rice one grain at a time. Sort of like a hot dog eating contest except only considerably much slower, with much less fanfare and with a much higher approval rating from your gastroenterologist and your roommate.

I am sword-fighting with my arch-nemesis. Later on in the day he will attempt to rescue me from a rabid dog, but will fail and I will feel horribly guilty, in hindsight, for cutting off his right arm.

You accidentally make a really hilarious shadow puppet. Everyone laughs and laughs and pats you on the back telling you how great you are. Despite your best attempts, you let the accolades go to your head. You quickly become the most egotistical, shadow puppet making jerk in the neighbourhood. Luckily for you, your self-effacing, autobiographical shadow puppet play entitled "My Life In Shadows: The Shadowy Story of One  Person's Battle With Their Shadows (as depicted by shadow puppets)" is very well received and people downgrade their disgust towards you to a casual indifference.

I sold my couch yesterday. Now I am sitting on the floor wondering how I got here.

You are lying in the corn field, waiting for the corn to grow. Years from now you will only remember the thorn stuck in your elbow.

I awake with a strong urge to make snow angels. The doctor says I should take one of the large green pills now and another every 5 minutes until the urges go away.

You are frying some broccoli, doing long division questions in your head and getting your head massaged by THE BEST FREAKIN' HEAD MASSEUSE IN TOWN! The prophecy came true. You were wrong to doubt that weird old woman at the country fair when you were 7 - the one who made you rub her warts with a silk cloth not the other weirder one.

I am standing at a right angle to you. We are both quite satisfied with this arrangement as neither of us can stand obtuse or acute positions. This does make it very hard to walk down the street together without drawing stares or having one of us smack into newspaper boxes or elementary school crossing guards.

You have decided to buy a new pair of shoes. This makes you quite excited. So excited that everyone just wants you to shut up already and go buy the shoes!!! I mean what is taking you so long!!! Just do it!!!. Little did we know but you were having second thoughts.

I like frogs. I really like them.

You are whistling a happy tune in a rainstorm, attempting to return to your homeland, or at least somewhere where your happy-tune whistling is more appreciated.

My dreams have finally come true! The day I have been waiting for is here! The bookstore is finally letting me volunteer my time rebinding books for their annual discount book sale. I will spend hours upon hours rebinding books on Ornithology, Osmosis and Oxymorons. They will only let me touch the Os. Can you blame them?

You are cooking your famous pasta sauce when you are interrupted by a phone call from your mom berating you for not using enough garlic. What do you know? She's right! "Thanks mom" you say. She has been calling you at 7:00pm exactly with the same message for years and it finally made sense. The other times led to disaster and painful nose bleeds and, one time, a very relieved vampire.

I am attempting to teach my cat how to differentiate between mice with feelings and mice who need to be eliminated NOW!

You are swimming across the Atlantic, when you released that you left your lights on, the roast in your oven and the refrigerator open. Then a shark bites your leg and the other, seemingly important things quickly seem so much more trivial. And to think you never could find any positives with shark bites before. Sharks  - changing your perspective one bite at a time.

We work together to create an amazingly detailed miniature model of the Battle of New Orleans using handmade soldiers created out of leftover congealed meatloaf. I go to sleep with a sense of accomplishment and pride. Meanwhile, you go rent a steamroller and flatten the entire thing. I wake in the morning crying and you try to blame the whole thing on raccoons. I almost believe you until I remember all of those steamroller lessons you took last month.