I ran into an old friend at the pool while we were both swimming with our kids the other day. We chatted for a bit and then after I stuck my foot in my mouth (not literally!), he revealed that he and his long-time wife had been divorced for the past two years. My initial reaction was one of shock, but maybe it shouldn't have been,
This sort of news has always hit me hard. They were one of those couples that, to the public eye, always seemed so happy, so together, so ideal. The kind of couple we all aspired to be, and yet, they were no more. I expressed to my friend how sad this new (to me) news was, and he nodded in agreement. In his face I could tell that, though it had been two years, it was still so difficult to deal with.
We've all been there. We've all been rejected. We've all faced the impossible-to-face words "it's over".
And nothing can prepare you for how hard 'the end' is to deal with, even if you've faced it before. I know, for me, that I always poured my heart, my soul and all of my energy into the relationship I was in and, because of that approach, so much of my happiness, self-identity and self worth was tied up in the success of that relationship. And when those relationships ended, often abruptly (thanks a lot, rose-coloured glasses!), I was crushed.
When I was in my 20s, there was this other couple that also seemed untouchable, as if protected by an impenetrable shield. They were one unit - their names were never said apart - and they almost seemed like a single entity. Who knew that behind closed doors issues and problems had been growing for years and were rapidly becoming the wedge that divided this seemingly indivisible couple apart. When they split up, it was as if someone had told me that Santa Claus wasn't real or that high-fructose corn syrup was bad for me - I was as stunned as one could be without drooling.
I remember wondering that if this "perfect" couple couldn't work, then was there hope for the rest of us sad saps? I remember wondering were two humans even meant to stay together long term? I remember wondering if I should have a snack, as I was hungry at the time.
As my kids and I showered after our swim and we walked back to the car, I got to thinking about why some relationships work while so many other, equally shiny, couples grow or fall apart (but never at the same time). Why some couples that fight and argue all the time last forever and other couples that are in serious need of a room sputter and barely make it out of the gate? And of course there are no easy answers, but I didn't let that stop me, as the lack of easy answers never does.
In my own experiences, as well as in both my professional life as a counsellor, as well as observing the relationships of friends, one thing has always been clear to me - every relationship can work. Boom! That's right, you heard me correctly, I firmly believe that every partnership, couple, relationship can work and flourish. Now before you write me off as a quack, there are a few catches, and then you can write me off however you'd like.
First, there has to be some physical attraction, at least a bit. As much as we all go on and on about not being shallow and loving who someone is on the inside and being attracted to someone's brain, good looks must have a place in every successful relationship. Some degree of "hotness" or "damn!" or "yummy" is needed when conversation lags or when brains are overworked. "It's just nice to have something to look at that makes me happy" I'm always saying to my wife without blinking before she gets up and leaves the room. And I am well aware that looks fade and and are fleeting but, at least initially, they are needed much in the same way hot coals are needed to grill meat. Let this be the last time a relationship is compared to grilled meat on my watch.
Second, both people have to be equally invested in the relationship and seeing themselves together long-term. Usually, from what I've seen, one person just cares more, spends more time and energy fighting to make things work and eventually gets frustrated as the other person, for a variety of reasons, just can't summon up the resolve or emotion to match that. We've all been that first person - buying flowers, cooking surprise dinners, dressing up as a gigantic, fluffy bunny (don't ask) - getting excited and doing all of the great things one is supposed to do as one-half of a successful couple. And it works, for a while, but deep down, in the back of one's head, we all know that we are living on borrowed time. When these relationships invariably end, we are sad, but mostly sad that we are alone again and our friends tell us (rightfully so) that we are "better off" and "that the right one is still out there" and "you need to shave that mustache".
Third, people change over time. I know; spoiler alert or stop the presses. But we do, as much as I've tried to resist all change, of any kind, in any way. The person I am now is quite different than the person I was 5 years ago and incredibly different from the person I'll be next week (big changes in store, I don't want to spoil the surprise - here is a two-word teaser: heal lifts). And if both people in a pair are both changing at light speed, then there needs to be a flexibility, a growth plan (pie charts on flip charts are totally optional), a bond (and not of the mutual fund variety, although those don't hurt either) that always connects them. Change should be embraced (keep it clean, all ages show here). Change should be rewarded. Change requires fresh undergarments on a daily basis. As long as there is love, and both people still want things to work out, then they can.
Fourth, people need to communicate. Communication is so easy, and yet it is also so hard. Why, oh why, is it so hard sometimes? Why do we all feel like we are speaking to a brick wall? For myself, I actually am, but why do other's feel like this? Why can't we talk to each other and work things out when we seemingly care about each other? Cat's got your tongue? (that excuse only works once) Pride? A love for suspense and film noir? Well, once again, it can be so easy as long as both members are committed (note: being actually committed, like imprisoned, so not a deal breaker - just makes face-to-face communication more challenging on a day-to-day basis).
Here is how it should work. Person A feels upset at something Person B is doing. Person A goes up to Person B and says in the least passive/passive aggressive/aggressive way "When you do ____________, it makes me feel ___________". Person B then replies "Why thank you, I had no idea that __________ was making you feel ____________" followed by "Now that I have gained a better understanding, I plan to make some alterations to my behaviour and would love the chance to explain fully to you why I have been doing ___________". Person A would then say "I appreciate both your explanation as well as the opportunity to express myself. I consider this situation resolved. Thank you for your time." Scene.
Here is how it actually works. Person A feels upset at something Person B is doing. Instead of taking the risk of saying something that could risk "rocking the apple cart" or "ruffling any feathers" or "burning the toast", Person A does the "smart" thing and bottles up/represses/saves for a rainy day his or her feelings thus helping preserve the peaceful facade. Whatever Person A loses in not expressing themselves, they gain in helping maintain the status quo even if it means walking on some egg shells from time to time. But as you and I both know, facades can only last so long, until a wreaking ball either real or fictional comes along and smashes it to smithereens. The fallout from a long term lack of real sharing of feelings can be so intense and yet, we've all been there and have wondered while in the midst of an argument full of mud-slinging and hurtful comments and awkward silences why we didn't just communicate better initially.
Since we all hate feeling crappy and we all hate not speaking up when a situation isn't how we like it and we all hate the eventual argument/discussion about "what has happened to us?" or "what is really going on?" or "why won't you tell me how you really feel?" then why do two people who love and care about each other let it get there? I'm not sure. I'm really not. But, once again, if the two people both want to work things out, then they always can. Except that a couple can dig themselves a hole that, while not impossible to climb out of, just requires so much work that maybe it either seems impossible or just to challenging. I think that if you go down the road of poor communication too often, which also invariably involves lack of emotional understanding and intimacy, it ends up becoming the "new normal" and the fixes that worked in the past become less and less effective. It is just easier to blow things up rather than renovate or rebuild with a new foundation.
Some people just weren't meant to be together. Some people are like oil and water. Some people, even when attracted to each other, just don't work together in the long-term no matter how hard they work at it.
(sure oil and water can be correctly emulsified, but that technique is much harder to pull off when actual people with complex emotions are involved.
In the initial honeymoon phase everything is wonderful, spectacular and blissfully easy. Couples all think that their love will last forever and that they could be the greatest couple that has ever existed and they briefly consider writing a series of How To books. But, like the ball that no matter how high tossed will eventually fall to the Earth, all good things come to an end. When the honeymoon phase concludes one of a few things happen to our lovely couple
(1) the relationship was based solely on physical attraction and that there is absolutely nothing else of substance to keep these two people together so things end.
(2) the couple genuinely cares about one another and they sense on some deep biological, lineage-preserving level that they were put on this Earth to buy a shelter* and produce offspring together (*shelter optional).
(3) one or both of the members "needs" this to work out and so they conveniently are able to fight off the voices in their head that the other person may not be right for them.
(4) it's fun for each of them and fun is fun so why not have it (harder to sell this to yourself, your parents and each other once past a certain age).
(5) they shake hands, mutually decide to go their separate ways and agree to "never speak of this to anyone ever again even if offered large sums of money to do a tell all".
I think back to my friend and his failed marriage and wonder what happened. Sure some marriages fail because someone does something horrible - they cheat, tax evade, slash tires, but most of the time the speed bumps of life just get in the way. Each person gets busy while they still love each other and they just don't make time for each other, especially once kids, promotions, extra responsibilities come around. Resentment and unhappiness build as communication and intimacy decrease and the grass starts to appear so much greener elsewhere (optical illusion or some sort of turf builder). Puzzle pieces that once fit are all of a sudden from two different puzzles.
But for all of the couples I know that have not worked, I know an equal number that are still going strong year after year. How do they do it? A match made in Heaven? Hours of expensive counselling? Naked Twister? We'd be lying to ourselves if we believed that any couple that seems "perfect" doesn't argue, go through ups and downs and struggle with the same issues that the partnerships that fail struggle with. I happen to enjoy lying to myself from time to time. The members of the couples that work have learned to compromise, support each other through tough times, and communication with each other. And, in my opinion, the most important thing of all and one thing myself and my wife have in spades, the ability to make each other laugh.
Relationships are tricky. Relationships are tough. Relationships work, until they don't. But when you find one that does they are amazing, like really good gravy.
Third, people change over time. I know; spoiler alert or stop the presses. But we do, as much as I've tried to resist all change, of any kind, in any way. The person I am now is quite different than the person I was 5 years ago and incredibly different from the person I'll be next week (big changes in store, I don't want to spoil the surprise - here is a two-word teaser: heal lifts). And if both people in a pair are both changing at light speed, then there needs to be a flexibility, a growth plan (pie charts on flip charts are totally optional), a bond (and not of the mutual fund variety, although those don't hurt either) that always connects them. Change should be embraced (keep it clean, all ages show here). Change should be rewarded. Change requires fresh undergarments on a daily basis. As long as there is love, and both people still want things to work out, then they can.
Fourth, people need to communicate. Communication is so easy, and yet it is also so hard. Why, oh why, is it so hard sometimes? Why do we all feel like we are speaking to a brick wall? For myself, I actually am, but why do other's feel like this? Why can't we talk to each other and work things out when we seemingly care about each other? Cat's got your tongue? (that excuse only works once) Pride? A love for suspense and film noir? Well, once again, it can be so easy as long as both members are committed (note: being actually committed, like imprisoned, so not a deal breaker - just makes face-to-face communication more challenging on a day-to-day basis).
Here is how it should work. Person A feels upset at something Person B is doing. Person A goes up to Person B and says in the least passive/passive aggressive/aggressive way "When you do ____________, it makes me feel ___________". Person B then replies "Why thank you, I had no idea that __________ was making you feel ____________" followed by "Now that I have gained a better understanding, I plan to make some alterations to my behaviour and would love the chance to explain fully to you why I have been doing ___________". Person A would then say "I appreciate both your explanation as well as the opportunity to express myself. I consider this situation resolved. Thank you for your time." Scene.
Here is how it actually works. Person A feels upset at something Person B is doing. Instead of taking the risk of saying something that could risk "rocking the apple cart" or "ruffling any feathers" or "burning the toast", Person A does the "smart" thing and bottles up/represses/saves for a rainy day his or her feelings thus helping preserve the peaceful facade. Whatever Person A loses in not expressing themselves, they gain in helping maintain the status quo even if it means walking on some egg shells from time to time. But as you and I both know, facades can only last so long, until a wreaking ball either real or fictional comes along and smashes it to smithereens. The fallout from a long term lack of real sharing of feelings can be so intense and yet, we've all been there and have wondered while in the midst of an argument full of mud-slinging and hurtful comments and awkward silences why we didn't just communicate better initially.
Since we all hate feeling crappy and we all hate not speaking up when a situation isn't how we like it and we all hate the eventual argument/discussion about "what has happened to us?" or "what is really going on?" or "why won't you tell me how you really feel?" then why do two people who love and care about each other let it get there? I'm not sure. I'm really not. But, once again, if the two people both want to work things out, then they always can. Except that a couple can dig themselves a hole that, while not impossible to climb out of, just requires so much work that maybe it either seems impossible or just to challenging. I think that if you go down the road of poor communication too often, which also invariably involves lack of emotional understanding and intimacy, it ends up becoming the "new normal" and the fixes that worked in the past become less and less effective. It is just easier to blow things up rather than renovate or rebuild with a new foundation.
Some people just weren't meant to be together. Some people are like oil and water. Some people, even when attracted to each other, just don't work together in the long-term no matter how hard they work at it.
(sure oil and water can be correctly emulsified, but that technique is much harder to pull off when actual people with complex emotions are involved.
In the initial honeymoon phase everything is wonderful, spectacular and blissfully easy. Couples all think that their love will last forever and that they could be the greatest couple that has ever existed and they briefly consider writing a series of How To books. But, like the ball that no matter how high tossed will eventually fall to the Earth, all good things come to an end. When the honeymoon phase concludes one of a few things happen to our lovely couple
(1) the relationship was based solely on physical attraction and that there is absolutely nothing else of substance to keep these two people together so things end.
(2) the couple genuinely cares about one another and they sense on some deep biological, lineage-preserving level that they were put on this Earth to buy a shelter* and produce offspring together (*shelter optional).
(3) one or both of the members "needs" this to work out and so they conveniently are able to fight off the voices in their head that the other person may not be right for them.
(4) it's fun for each of them and fun is fun so why not have it (harder to sell this to yourself, your parents and each other once past a certain age).
(5) they shake hands, mutually decide to go their separate ways and agree to "never speak of this to anyone ever again even if offered large sums of money to do a tell all".
Many relationships are over before they start. Many relationships stand the test of time. Many relationships start strong, but blow out like a candle in the wind.
And there are couples that stay together even when things aren't perfect. They hope that taking the plunge and getting a dog, or buying a house, buying mutual fund, having a kid or getting matching back-covering tattoos will gloss over the issues. But, the issues don't just vanish because the couple came up with a timely distraction no matter how large the tattoo. In the end, if it ain't working, it just won't last and I don't just break out the cliched poor grammar for nothing. But, as I mentioned earlier, no matter how frayed the edges of the rug of the relationship are, no rug is beyond repair if the two take some sort of rug-repair workshop together.
And there are couples that stay together even when things aren't perfect. They hope that taking the plunge and getting a dog, or buying a house, buying mutual fund, having a kid or getting matching back-covering tattoos will gloss over the issues. But, the issues don't just vanish because the couple came up with a timely distraction no matter how large the tattoo. In the end, if it ain't working, it just won't last and I don't just break out the cliched poor grammar for nothing. But, as I mentioned earlier, no matter how frayed the edges of the rug of the relationship are, no rug is beyond repair if the two take some sort of rug-repair workshop together.
I think back to my friend and his failed marriage and wonder what happened. Sure some marriages fail because someone does something horrible - they cheat, tax evade, slash tires, but most of the time the speed bumps of life just get in the way. Each person gets busy while they still love each other and they just don't make time for each other, especially once kids, promotions, extra responsibilities come around. Resentment and unhappiness build as communication and intimacy decrease and the grass starts to appear so much greener elsewhere (optical illusion or some sort of turf builder). Puzzle pieces that once fit are all of a sudden from two different puzzles.
But for all of the couples I know that have not worked, I know an equal number that are still going strong year after year. How do they do it? A match made in Heaven? Hours of expensive counselling? Naked Twister? We'd be lying to ourselves if we believed that any couple that seems "perfect" doesn't argue, go through ups and downs and struggle with the same issues that the partnerships that fail struggle with. I happen to enjoy lying to myself from time to time. The members of the couples that work have learned to compromise, support each other through tough times, and communication with each other. And, in my opinion, the most important thing of all and one thing myself and my wife have in spades, the ability to make each other laugh.
Relationships are tricky. Relationships are tough. Relationships work, until they don't. But when you find one that does they are amazing, like really good gravy.
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