A Little Too Concerned With My Bladder

When my kids ask me questions I don't immediately know the answers to, I contemplate looking up actual real information for them, but I usually don't, as it is important that they don't get too smart too quickly.

I often crack eggs in the kitchen imagining that I am releasing the yolks from their windowless prison, when in fact I'm just making a mess on the floor that someone will have to clean up before I make pancakes.

When I'm driving home from work, I often wish that I owned a tank, not so I could smash the other cars in front of me, though that thought has occasionally crossed my mind too, but more so I can be prepared in case of war.

I don't know why scaring someone with hiccups is all well and good, but scaring them when carrying a tray of wine glasses or when tightrope walking is generally frowned upon.

Sometimes I'd love to travel back in time to the days of the cavemen and, after learning their rudimentary language and teaching them about basic economic principles, offer them all discounted haircuts and pedicures, but I keep being told that changing the past can have a serious impact on the present.

I once thought I heard the owl call my name, but it turned out just to be a friend of mine who looks particularly owl-like in certain lighting.

Whenever I get frustrated with someone at work and want to yell or punch a hole in the wall or throw my phone, instead I make sounds like a monkey which both gets them to leave while also allowing me to hone my impressions that I perform on weekends that often result in free bananas.

People often tell me my idea takes the cake, but when I look around I never see any cake, I wonder why I am spending so much time thinking up these ideas in the first place.

I often dream of a world where war and crime has ended and everyone is living in peace and that no one ever goes hungry, but cable TV hasn't been invented, which always leaves me quite conflicted upon waking.

It has been said that no man is an island, to which I always counter, what about that guy?

I have always been told that it takes a village to raise a child, but no one told me that you can't just drop off your child at the nearest village on a whim. Talk about your false advertising.

Whenever someone tells me to look at a situation through their eyes, I wonder if they've truly thought through the ramifications of that offer.

I can only imagine that the first day in hell would be excruciatingly horrible, as would the second and the third, but by the fourth day you'd probably have settled in a bit and started making lifelong friends.

An old man once told me the inspiring and often heroic story of his life which was truly heartwarming and intriguing, but I still just wanted a large pizza with tomatoes and mushrooms.

I enter my room and see a single sock on my bed, which is odd, but not worth dwelling on. I enter the room again later that day and see 5 socks, just laying there doing nothing. Once again, I enter my room around dinner time and the bed is covered with socks and, as far as I can tell, they are either plotting their revenge or attempting to stage a sock-version of HMS Pinafore. Finally, I go into my room and bedtime and there is a single sock again, only this time appearing huge and quite bloated with a guilty look on its face.

When talking during meetings or conferences at work, I often abruptly stop near the ends of key sentences and rush to the washroom as I believe everyone would benefit from a little more suspense in their lives. The only downside is that people are a little too concerned with my bladder.

I often walk in the woods and come across forks in the roads which raises a lot of questions.

As much fun as it sounds, pulling the wool over someone's eyes isn't all that great especially when you consider all of the time and money it takes to procure the necessary wool as well as knowing someone whose eyes need concealing and then all of the scheduling it would take to arrange to meet without letting them know what was happening.

I don't care what others say, you just can't win a debate with a cactus, especially that a-hole of a cactus across the street.

Some days I sit on the beach contemplating the pains and struggles of human existence and other days I just sit mindlessly on the beach. Pretty similar days actually.