"We are trying something new tonight that neither team knows about yet and it will come as quite a surprise as it is a definite departure from how we usually conduct debates. In today's debate, we are strongly encouraging the speakers to avoid obvious hypotheses that are supported by tried and true and stereotypical arguments. For example, usually people will start with point A and connect that to point B and then C. Well today we are hoping that speakers will utilize all of the other 23 letters of the alphabet as well and to do so in unpredictable and random ways. Why, you may ask? Well, we all sit through so many debates, and it gets a bit boring at times, so we wanted to spice things up and to also challenge all of the students too."
"And without further ado, could the first debater from each team step forward to the lectern? We have Josiah Beacon representing Gardenville and Lucy Vuong representing Cedarview and the topic for these two debaters involves school uniforms and whether schools should enforce the wearing of them or not. After a random selection, Lucy will start and be taking the "pro" side in this school uniform debate. Lucy, you will have five minutes to make your statement in favour of school uniforms."
"Thank you, Ms. Herman. I have always been a big supporter of school's using uniforms. In fact, if I had my way, we'd all wear uniforms all the time and also speak and choose leisure activities with more uniformity as well. When I say that we'd wear uniforms all the time, I'm not being literal as each of us would need some time out of uniform to complete our dry cleaning when a simple white togo would suffice. And yes, I am looking for something else to do with my white sheets that don't involve sleeping or sobbing myself to sleep. Schools are meant to be bastions of learning and they would also accept castles of wisdom and da crib where da thunkin' is all goin' down and I think the students of today should dress for the occasion, even if that dress is not actually a dress and more of formless smock-like outfit that wouldn't look out of place on a walrus if said walrus felt like fitting in at a school so that they could prove to all of their friends once and for all that this walrus can solve for x. Think of a uniform as a bridge that helps support the youths of today as they pass over the shark and crocodile infested waters that are the pitfalls facing adolescents in high school education today. Now why the sharks and crocodiles are colluding and attempting to not only destroy the bridge but also to use its remnants as a rudimentary shelter so that they can have some amazing dinner parties is beyond me and beyond the scope of my talk. Join me tomorrow evening at the tool shed behind my father's garage for my theories on aquatic shelters and why the choice of material had better be both waterproof and seaweed resistant as well as sturdy enough to support at least two disco balls and multiple spot lights as the marine life in this area of the ocean likes to party. Students walk across this perilous bridge all pointed at the other side which is the promised land of either more school or barely minimum wage work and the uniform is what helps them get there. Now you may be wondering was my analogy was not only partially incomplete but also purposely incomplete? Well, imagine a school with no uniforms. It is chaos what with the constantly flashing colours keeping all present on the edge of epilepsy. Is that a way to learn? I don't think so and I know from personal experience growing up in a house where my parents believed that we should only eat breakfast with a variety of colourful lights being flashed at us indirectly at the same time waking up our senses and also giving our porridge the illusion of four dimensions. If the students were forced to wear head-to-toe grey jumpers with matching hats, socks and shoes it would be as if we generously gave each of them a bandage that they could wear and keep their oozing wounds patched up. Why do they all have oozing wounds? Call Cal in Maintenance and Facilities. Now, I know my opponents over there are wondering why I want students to dress as if they are in prison? Well, I just think that if students rid themselves of all of the distracting colours that only act to confuse and distract them then the learning will not only get easier but also seem more exciting in comparison to their outfits as the students will just jump at using red, green and purple pens thus helping our local economy, or at least the pen-distribution fraction of it. It may come as a surprise to you all, but I used to be a bully. Not a traditional one, mind you, but a bully all the same. I was forced, against my will, to bully myself. How you are wondering? I used to love colourful clothes - wore them all the time and with a confidence that bordered on brazen and only fell short of it because I was only 7 and had misplaced my dictionary. After sometime I just got a little sick of my own happiness and carefree attitude especially when adorned with quite comfortable materials that were so optically pleasing. I gave myself such a hard time - I was relentless, until, I burned my colours and bought solely black, white and grey clothes just like I had wanted me to. It was such a perplexing time and, to this day, I'm totally unsure why I made myself burn my clothes as there was tons of room in my closet and this phase was due to end the weekend after next anyways. I guess I am saying that I don't want little Johnny and Sarah to be harassed for choosing to dress in a flashy style. I am trying to protect them from the bullies who lurk out there and who would never bother someone wearing grey. Grey is such a lifeless colour and I think it would sap all of the misplaced anger out of the bullies - it worked for me. Once I switched over, I never bothered myself again except when I wanted more ice cream and then I just told myself to stop talking so loud as my parents were starting to stare...more. I'd like you all to close your eyes for a second. Think of school as a tray in the cafeteria of life. There are students in line in this cafeteria also holding trays that are also symbolic of smaller schools mostly for germs and viruses - they need an education too! The microorganisms are not holding trays in their school as they have no limbs that can support a tray and what would we serve them? They are fortunate that we build a school for them in the first place as we almost spent all of the allotted money on a large hot tub which would really come in handy at the moment considering the cold spell we are currently experiencing. The students in this school are receiving their daily lunch which consists of gourmet meats and cheeses and salads of micro-greens and buns baked with ancient grains, but that is not important right now! The students are holding their trays, that symbolize their schools, with a gentle care that is only concerning if you don't think a love between a teenager and their institute of education is proper plus they don't want to spill their food thus rendering all of the work of the local organic farmers moot - they may as well been spraying all of the veggies with all of the sprays that they keep around from the good ol' days just in case healthy eating goes out of style. I'm not totally sure why I asked you, the audience, to think of a school as a tray - it was mostly to help me fill up my time and to see if you can actually imagine that. It took me days and a particularly well-timed bump on the head by my little brother's toy train. I'm sure you have had mixed results in picturing a tray as a school and the school where the tray is being used as life itself and if you have actually been able to get your head around that and can prove it using mime then I have a complimentary bar of soap for you to take with you as a parting gift. Remember when you are voting judges, you too could leave here with more soap than you would know what to do with, or should know what to do with - I mean some of you may be expert soap carvers, or emerging soap-carving artists just waiting for your chance to shine and only judging high school debates until your avant garde soap creations are accepted by the mainstream. And before my opponent suggests that I get off of my soap box, I'll remind him that my brother is quite the mover and shaker in the soap industry and that he not only lent me this soap box for the debate today with the purpose of giving me the illusion of height and intelligence as I have always mistakenly linked the two of those together. To conclude, uniforms can only help the leaders of tomorrow ward of the evils both real and imaginary, both deliciously smooth and tantalizingly crunchy and both evil and not actually evil at all. Any peanut butter in the house?"
"Thank you, Lucy. Josiah, now it is your turn to argue the con side"
"Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to begin by saying that I used to wear uniforms. I know some of you may be shocked and disgusted to hear this. Uniforms, uniforms, uniforms - day in, day out, all I wore were uniforms. In fact, it got to the point where I wasn't quite sure where the uniform stopped and I began. I had to seek out help from my school counsellor as I wasn't even too sure who I was any longer. I believed that I needed the uniform to live. I was so wrong - the uniform was preventing me from fully living - I see that now! The uniform was limiting me from full realizing my true self, I was just a young man trapped inside the confines of his uniform sort of like a butterfly inside her cocoon, only with considerably less odor of larvae. Uniforms are like an invisible force making us conform and act like one. We lose our individual personalities to the will of this force and I, for one, couldn't wait to break free. But I was almost too late - another week under the force, the spell of my uniform and I would have been swallowed whole like a medium-sized hors d'oeuvres that the eater was unfortunately indecisive about taking a well-needed extra bite of and struggled with indigestion for a good hour as a result of. I now know that deviled eggs require no less than 2 bites and there is no upper limit of bites and that if I want to take hundreds or even thousands of bites because that is how I enjoy eating my eggs when they are presented in deviled fashion, then that is how I will do it and I don't care if that makes us late for the movie or the custody battle or whatever you are going to be late for that you think, quite incorrectly, is more important than my enjoying my late-afternoon or early-evening hit of protein and a mild Hungarian powdered pepper. As I stand in front of you, I sort I wonder what it would be like to be standing behind you all, but not enough to actually do something about it at the moment. I also remember the day I became free. It was such a transformative experience. It was like the joy one would get from registering for the army and being accepted only to suddenly quit just so they could have the satisfaction of quitting something that was really important. It is also like when ducks start hanging out with geese and start becoming demonstratively more goose-like in their gait, demeanor and attitude towards reeds. I know this would happen very slowly at first and then faster as time goes on as the ducks immerse themselves in the lives of the geese. When I first removed my uniform, I felt lost sort of like when I was once in possession of a rare family heirloom, a jewel of almost infinite value and I couldn't find it. I searched high and low for days upon days upon days with no luck. I was in a constant state of panic and covered in a thin layer of cold sweat before finally picking up the phone to call my grandmother to let her know the horrible news and she told me that she not only didn't know what I was talking about but that I should stop yelling at her. I came to realize that the jewel was a figment of my imagination and that I could easily create a new one. That weekend was spent in my room surrounded by jewels of all colours, shapes and sizes - it was the best figuratively rich weekend of my life. It felt like I removed my uniform for the last time as if it was yesterday. It was five years ago, and I generally feel like almost everything in my life happened yesterday - I experience all emotional events as very raw and they all feel like they just happened up until I drink some milk. If I could, for a moment, just take a second and say how much I love milk and how everyone should buy some and drink it. This last sentence was brought to you by the local Milk Industry, see me afterwards for a coupon. I was one of the lucky ones - my school decided that uniforms were unnecessary and took away from individual expression. They wanted to give us all hope; hope for a greater tomorrow with colourful and randomly chosen clothes that may or may not match or even look good regardless of the mood lighting or the season. They wanted us to express our true selves all the time and, in fact, when they got rid of the school dress policy they brought in a much harsher and harder to abide by personal expression policy that stated that everyone had to be themselves all the time and as a result I have never been more myself than I am right now aside from a few days when I was six as a result of eating some worms on a dare. I have hope that eventually all schools will abandon uniforms. I have hope for a future where each student can wear purples and pinks and oranges as well as greens. I have hope that each of you will buy some milk after I am done and to attempt to avoid playing near any bee hives as bees sting and that isn't helping any of us. The bees need to make honey in peace and not worry about some gangily, long-limbed youths playing recklessly around their homes and their work sites and the kids don't need to be stung, No one needs to be stung aside from my uncle who is a piece of work let me tell you. We can work with these bees for a world where human-bee relations are much improved and where the honey literally never stops flowing which would make everything tasty and sticky which we will all get used to over time. And we will as long as there are no school uniforms depressing the children and their loved ones and making the teachers sad as a result which also effects their spouses and their work colleagues. Essentially, what I am saying is that if even one student is forced to wear a uniform, we all suffer and we all die inside. It take a village to raise a child and only one uniform to blow down that carefully balanced house of cards, and I should know as I lived inside a house of cards once that blew down within the first five minutes and I was quite cold as it was November. You may wonder if I am getting off track and now I am starting to wonder it as well - thanks! Finally, as much I love wearing my own clothes, I once loved my uniform and I still have it in my closet with the door slightly ajar so I can look lovingly at it and blow it kisses. Which is a step towards looking lovingly at another human being and blowing it kisses."
"Well done, each of you. Lucy, it is now time for your relatively brief rebuttal."
"Thank you. I am slightly stunned and perplexed by my opponent's arguments although I feel oddly animalisticly attracted to him and may need to go back on my medication if my mother/naturopath sees fit. Be that as it may, I have to say there are some holes in his argument that are gaping wide and, I hope this doesn't seem mean, but the overpowering stench emanating from that gaping hole of a mouth could he halitosis. To ignore the holes would be a grand show of restraint on my part, and I'm just about out of shows of restraint. Instead I will take the advice of my debate coach to wear my hair in a bun as it gives the allure of librarian-ness and to focus on the issue at hand: wearing school uniforms provides the students a stiff, thick, protective layer against the corruption of the outside world and, knowing that, in some cases multiple layers of uniforms is probably advisable. While in their uniforms your children are safe and happy, aside from the discomfort they will naturally experience manoeuvring around the school in their ultra-stiff clothes. I'm not sure why I believe the clothes must be so stiff, what with all of the amazing fabric softeners readily available on the market and at such competitive prices, but we shouldn't concern ourselves with such details at the moment because that would only result in creating holes in my argument and filling the pockets of those near-demonic fabric softener company execs who are already too big for their britches if you ask me. I use the term near-demonic lightly as I reserve the full brunt of that term for the confounding school officials who wish to see their school hallways and classrooms ablaze with all of the wonderful colours of the rainbow. How can they not be aware of the disaster that is just around the corner? Especially with all of the anti-shoplifting mirrors they have recently installed to cut down on the epidemic of collisions. I would rather wear a uniform and collide with a million people a million times spraying jelly and jam and other spreads ranging from healthy to so-sugary-and-gelatinous-that-the-mesmerizing-result-of-the-jiggling-after-the-collision-just-about-masks-the-fact-that-actually-eating-the-substance-has-permanently-altered-the-consumer's-bone-density than wear the colourful, stylish clothes that would draw the ogling eyes of my fellow classmates as I strutted down the hallway. While I don't mind the ogling, and I do enjoy a good strut now and then, it is such a slippery slope. One day we are wearing our fashionable outfits and ogling and strutting and the next we are not only jumping but having to provide long, detailed answers using perfect syntax and grammar to "how high?" I, for one, do not want to be reduced to a stylishly-dressed, colliding, jumping fool when all I have to do is wear a school uniform. It is just that simple. Now I understand that my arguments may make the members of the audience say "she is way out there" and "where exactly is 'there' anyways?" and "isn't it high time for a refreshment break?" Believe me I understand. My feelings towards school uniforms may seem strange or weird and they may make you feel uncomfortable like you are sitting in a wet diaper that needs changing. We all have. But I challenge the judges to consider not only offering tea and or coffee to the audience but also a wide selection of juices as well as appreciating that wet-diaper-on-the-verge-of-creating-a-rash-on-your-pristinely-soft-and-unblemished-baby-bottom-that-is-the-envy-of-all feeling and awarding me the victory."
"A compelling argument, Lucy. Thank you. Josiah?"
"Thank you. My debate coach trained me well to handle arguments so varied as these. I spent much of last term figurately living in a sparse cave in the mountains constantly worried about being ripped to pieces by savage wolves entertaining myself with a rudimentary set of stick people action figures made from an actual pile of sticks all in an effort to prepare for this moment. I am so against the wearing of school uniforms that I have to fight the impulse to create a radio-friendly pop song with slightly euphemistic lyrics that would also receive airplay on some adult contemporary stations. So let's say the other side wins and we are all in school in uniforms, is that so bad you may be wondering? Well, I, for one, will feel like a fireman who insists on breaking down the door, no questions asked, and putting out the fire in the room as real or imaginary the fire is. I'm not sure why I will feel like a fireman, but that is a question for another day, or at least it can wait until after the debate when we all can look at it with fresh eyes and ears, but I will and can you live with that? I can, I'm just honestly wondering how the rest of you feel? Let me put this another way, a young girl is riding a bike on a path by the beach. The wind is playfully blowing the hair that is not being restrained by her helmet. You long to see all of her hair flying around, but you must put that feeling aside as safety comes first and that is not really the point of this mostly pointless analogy. She is beaming and she clearly loves her bike to a degree that may be unhealthy but could be chalked up to the fact that they spent many of her formative years away from each other for purposes of socialization for both. Now that you have pictured that girl and her bike on the beach, I will come clean and say that there is no connection between that story and this debate, but I hope you enjoyed it none the less. I will now return to your regularly scheduled rebuttal in the hope that the judges also enjoyed the reprieve. If we all wore uniforms thus blending us all together, the hallways, between classes, would look like a vast ocean with choppy waves. And as we all know the ocean is both home for a veritable and wonderful cornucopia of plant and marine life and for some of the most blood-thirsty sharks that only wish to bite the ones we love and devour their flesh enjoying each bite with a hunger that is almost addictive until we remember that the food at hand is a loved one and this all is happening while we are forced to watch by the other sharks. How can we knowingly create this ocean in our schools? I don't understand- do we want our loved ones to be mercilessly eaten, and enjoyed, by sharks? I don't know about you, but I would rather see a thousand kids wearing colourful outfits that are mind-bendingly nauseating than see one person's loved ones fall victim to a vicious shark. Maybe it's just me? In conclusion, when I was in grade school they taught me my letters, then they showed me how to spell words. Sometime passed and then I learned how to put these words into sentences and finally they showed me how to wipe my nose. But I am now using these sentences to speak to you and all I expect from all of you is to either blindly agree or to agree using your eyes. Say no to uniforms, or else you are essentially sending a message to all grade school kids and teachers that they shouldn't even bother learning or teaching letters at all."
"Thank you. My debate coach trained me well to handle arguments so varied as these. I spent much of last term figurately living in a sparse cave in the mountains constantly worried about being ripped to pieces by savage wolves entertaining myself with a rudimentary set of stick people action figures made from an actual pile of sticks all in an effort to prepare for this moment. I am so against the wearing of school uniforms that I have to fight the impulse to create a radio-friendly pop song with slightly euphemistic lyrics that would also receive airplay on some adult contemporary stations. So let's say the other side wins and we are all in school in uniforms, is that so bad you may be wondering? Well, I, for one, will feel like a fireman who insists on breaking down the door, no questions asked, and putting out the fire in the room as real or imaginary the fire is. I'm not sure why I will feel like a fireman, but that is a question for another day, or at least it can wait until after the debate when we all can look at it with fresh eyes and ears, but I will and can you live with that? I can, I'm just honestly wondering how the rest of you feel? Let me put this another way, a young girl is riding a bike on a path by the beach. The wind is playfully blowing the hair that is not being restrained by her helmet. You long to see all of her hair flying around, but you must put that feeling aside as safety comes first and that is not really the point of this mostly pointless analogy. She is beaming and she clearly loves her bike to a degree that may be unhealthy but could be chalked up to the fact that they spent many of her formative years away from each other for purposes of socialization for both. Now that you have pictured that girl and her bike on the beach, I will come clean and say that there is no connection between that story and this debate, but I hope you enjoyed it none the less. I will now return to your regularly scheduled rebuttal in the hope that the judges also enjoyed the reprieve. If we all wore uniforms thus blending us all together, the hallways, between classes, would look like a vast ocean with choppy waves. And as we all know the ocean is both home for a veritable and wonderful cornucopia of plant and marine life and for some of the most blood-thirsty sharks that only wish to bite the ones we love and devour their flesh enjoying each bite with a hunger that is almost addictive until we remember that the food at hand is a loved one and this all is happening while we are forced to watch by the other sharks. How can we knowingly create this ocean in our schools? I don't understand- do we want our loved ones to be mercilessly eaten, and enjoyed, by sharks? I don't know about you, but I would rather see a thousand kids wearing colourful outfits that are mind-bendingly nauseating than see one person's loved ones fall victim to a vicious shark. Maybe it's just me? In conclusion, when I was in grade school they taught me my letters, then they showed me how to spell words. Sometime passed and then I learned how to put these words into sentences and finally they showed me how to wipe my nose. But I am now using these sentences to speak to you and all I expect from all of you is to either blindly agree or to agree using your eyes. Say no to uniforms, or else you are essentially sending a message to all grade school kids and teachers that they shouldn't even bother learning or teaching letters at all."
"Well done both of you. We will now take a break while the judges now need some time to discuss the merits of both of your arguments. The next to debaters can begin to prepare themselves as well."
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