Anyways, this game is important and I would love if we could summon up the energy and focus needed to win or at least lose with an energy and focus that doesn't draw too much negative attention to us. I hope everyone read my series of romantic poems on summoning up energy and finding lost love this weekend and are now ready to implement it.
It's important to love the basketball. Treat it as you would want it to treat you. If you have the chance to caress it and rub it just so without drawing the ire of the refs, then you must. That ball has given you all a chance to make a living bouncing it and throwing it. Do you understand how ridiculous that sounds? Don't anger the ball or let it think that you don't care because I'm pretty sure what you have can be taken away with a wave of a hand. And don't tell me that a ball doesn't have hands! You don't think I know that now after I checked last week when I thought no one was watching only to see it on the sports highlights that evening.
Close your eyes for a minute guys; I want you to do a short visualization exercise with me. First, I want you to picture a dinner table with your favourite meal. This has no practical connection to today's game, I just want to see if I am able to get you to envision things on command as that may come in handy later on. Second, I want you to see yourself driving down the court with time ticking down about to take what could be the winning shot. This is your chance to be the hero, to appear on late night talk shows, to be able to upgrade your cable subscription to include more movie channels, to finally be able to afford extra shrimp when eating out.
You are jumping and the shot is about to leave your hand and you notice your shoe lace is not only untied but is trying to communicate with you. Your laces start to sing the most beautifully romantic and timeless song you've ever heard and while you are quite impressed both with the quality of the lyrics as well as the music itself, you are also impressed that your laces both wrote these deeply emotional words and can talk at all, let alone sing in perfect harmony. You also notice yourself starting to grow concerned that you are believing that laces can do these things while millions are watching you on international sports networks. You have reached the apex of your jump and the ball has been launched and you either win the game and confetti falls from the ceiling as the cheerleaders carry you off the court or you have to make your own confetti and pay for your cousin with ingrown toenails to stand on a ladder and sprinkle it on you as well as hiring your own cheerleaders like the rest of us regular folk.
You are jumping and the shot is about to leave your hand and you notice your shoe lace is not only untied but is trying to communicate with you. Your laces start to sing the most beautifully romantic and timeless song you've ever heard and while you are quite impressed both with the quality of the lyrics as well as the music itself, you are also impressed that your laces both wrote these deeply emotional words and can talk at all, let alone sing in perfect harmony. You also notice yourself starting to grow concerned that you are believing that laces can do these things while millions are watching you on international sports networks. You have reached the apex of your jump and the ball has been launched and you either win the game and confetti falls from the ceiling as the cheerleaders carry you off the court or you have to make your own confetti and pay for your cousin with ingrown toenails to stand on a ladder and sprinkle it on you as well as hiring your own cheerleaders like the rest of us regular folk.
I would say just go out and put your best effort in, but I tried that with my ex-wife and that didn't stop her from running off with that underwear model. That's right men, sometimes just trying your best just isn't good enough, especially when someone else, like that model, is just better than you are. And no matter how many crunches I did, or angry phone calls I left, or promises to join a gym, eat healthier and actually wear underwear made a difference. I'm sure there is a lesson in there somewhere that you can use to motivate you in someway.
You will be facing your toughest opponent today whether it be their star player, your own demons or that wet mop over there. Whatever you do, you can't feel sorry for your enemy at any moment or it will crush you and shatter your dreams! That's right, mop - you know I'm talking about you! For those of you with an army of personal demons, I suggest if you can't beat them; join them. I did, and that's why many of you often find me in the mop section of the local hardware store doing my best to fit in.
You only get so many chances in life to leave your mark. Do you realize how lucky you are? You are professional athletes and people out there either think you are overpaid spoiled brats or just really tiny basketball players because not everyone can afford court side seats or binoculars in this day and age. To commemorate this time together before the big game I've bought each of you a week's supply of face cream and a new hairbrush so that you can look your best even if you fall short in what is probably the end of your short-lived period of relative fame.
In order to not look back on this game with any anger or regrets, I suggest never looking backwards at all and only looking forward. Fewer bloody gashes on your forehead that way - believe me, I know. If you find yourself overwhelmed with anger or regrets afterwards, I encourage to see Dr. Walters as she did wonders in helping me completely forget my infuriating and depressing childhood. Seriously, I can't remember anything - talk about getting your money's worth. I think I may have owned a dog but for all I know it could have been a pogo stick.
In order to not look back on this game with any anger or regrets, I suggest never looking backwards at all and only looking forward. Fewer bloody gashes on your forehead that way - believe me, I know. If you find yourself overwhelmed with anger or regrets afterwards, I encourage to see Dr. Walters as she did wonders in helping me completely forget my infuriating and depressing childhood. Seriously, I can't remember anything - talk about getting your money's worth. I think I may have owned a dog but for all I know it could have been a pogo stick.
There will be moments today when you will be tempted to quit. There will be times today when you will want to cry. There may be moments you crave some really good smoked meat. And there will be moments when you will want to take that ball and shove it down that underwear model's throat, but you don't want to lose your cool or violate the court order. I want you to fight off all of these temptations and rise above and defeat your own personal demons as well as the opponents who stand in our collective way from glory.
I have never seen or held glory and am a little lost on how tangible and three dimensional it is, but I want to know. I want to know so badly I could cry. Yes, I know I already spend much of our practice time crying. Between me and you and any hidden cameras in the room, I'd like to try bathing in the glory. My baths are getting a little lukewarm and routine and I know my mom tells me over the phone while she gambles away her savings in online poker rooms mostly due to the fact that she thinks she is playing bridge, that I should just add more hot water already, but I see that as a sign of weakness. I see lots of things that way - probably should have my prescription updated.
I have never seen or held glory and am a little lost on how tangible and three dimensional it is, but I want to know. I want to know so badly I could cry. Yes, I know I already spend much of our practice time crying. Between me and you and any hidden cameras in the room, I'd like to try bathing in the glory. My baths are getting a little lukewarm and routine and I know my mom tells me over the phone while she gambles away her savings in online poker rooms mostly due to the fact that she thinks she is playing bridge, that I should just add more hot water already, but I see that as a sign of weakness. I see lots of things that way - probably should have my prescription updated.
From the first whistle to the last I want you to play hard. Soft playing will earn you a spot on the bench and a new plush toy. Don't worry - I have enough for everyone! If we play harder then they do, we will at least look like we are trying which helps with the sympathy vote which I am told will be conducted at 9:30 tonight at the public library- tell you friends and family. I've been led to believe that hard equals good since I was a little boy who was encouraged to ignore the clay and dirt in the backyard and, instead, to amass a collection of rocks that would help me through the tough times. I do want you to look good, not for me, and not for you, but for all of the potential endorsement dollars just waiting for you around the corner. Don't get up! That's an expression! Around that corner is just some packing tape and empty boxes. You can now get up if you'd like an empty box or two as well as some tape. Tons of fun!
In just a few short hours our season will be over and you can hit the beach or play some golf or plot some revenge on those that attempt to put you down or steal your wives right from under your nose. I had told her not to sit there! Let's put our best foot forward and then place the other foot in front of that one and continue alternating feet like at short distances in front of the other at a rapid pace until you do something I refer to as "running". I know it sounds way out there, but I believe it will work.
The time has come. Come on men! Let's do this!
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