Wednesday, July 2, 2014

The Gift of Tongues

For years, he wanted to open the flood gates, literally, until one day he actually did and...let's just say the amount of anguish, clean up and dry cleaning bills far outweighed any of the excitement.

She prided herself upon being well-spoken, a gifted conversationalist and an expert debater, but she just was unable to verbally joust to save her life. It just involved too much coordination.

He tore the cooked chicken limb from limb shortly after verbally tearing her limb from limb for her overly liberal approach towards cooking chicken and shortly before metaphorically and lovingly tearing her limb from limb as a show of appreciation for an surprisingly excellent chicken dinner.

She spent the entire afternoon asking her friend "do you know what I'm sayin'?" and kept receiving no reply which resulted in her getting very frustrated. After cooling down, she realized that she had been looking at herself in a mirror the whole time.

He has been told on numerous occasions that he looked like a million dollars and he always replied that it was part of an entire look he was going for that required a ton of preparation especially when it came to the colour and texture of his outfit, as well as giving the appearance of being two-dimensional.

She is often described as the girl next door which is ultra bizarre as she lives on a boat in a secluded port. The girl part she got, but next door to whom she always wondered?

One crazy habit of his has always been to fight fire with fire which predictably always leads to a really big, out-of-control fire resulting in multiple burns and bruises around his face and neck and the ire of the local fire fighters. He has been asked on multiple occasions why he doesn't use water or, in the case of a grease fire, salt, and he just stares at the questioner flicking his lighter absent-mindedly.

She is always telling people to picture her rolling, so one day her friends placed her in an empty barrel on top of a small hill and stepped back and watched. And then they understood (it was just hard to picture before, that's all).

He is always going on long and arduous fishing expeditions and the results are amazing dinner buffets showing off the delectable bounty of the ocean and a thoroughly disturbing amount of confidential information about the dark and seedy lives of the other fishermen.

Last summer, after a particularly exhausting and serious day at work, she literally tried to laugh his head off, after quite a lot of inner-debating over removing his head via talking or shouting. Unfortunately, as much as she laughed (and she did laugh a lot), his head did not fall off. And then she took out her ax.

For years he has cared so much about every cause, fight and injustice. He has demonstrated at city hall, attended rallies and even hosted a sit-in. But, where had all of this gotten him, he wondered. From now on, he swore, he would not give a fig about anything. THAT'S RIGHT! YOU HEARD ME! NO MORE FIGS! DEAL WITH IT!

Last Monday, she awoke in so much pain - everything hurt! She rushed to the doctor and he performed a battery of tests and exams and it turned out that there was nothing wrong with her. She was still pretty worried and decided to go get a second opinion, but the trip hadn't been an entire waste - she absolutely loved the clean bill of health she had received. She still didn't buy she was healthy, but the care that had been taken in the presentation of the information of the bill all the way down to the choice of font size and graphics used was impeccable. If she had to receive any future bills of health, or anything else for that matter, they would all be compared to this perfectly clean bill of her health, or lack thereof.

He is known for throwing his weight around. Everyone he knows is constantly equal parts bruised, disgusted and impressed with his coordination and agility for such a big guy.

She was so embarrassed. She was trying as hard as she could to be the best employee at the bank. But today, her boss yelled at her to salt the books. So, she did what any eager-to-please, young employee would do. She took out her trusty salt shaker and salted all of the books. He just stood there, stunned, looking at her like she was some sort of salt shaker-wielding maniac alien and then he yelled some more - "STOP! ENOUGH WITH THE ACTUAL SALT! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?!?!?" and she started to cry. Didn't he know she was extremely literal and non-joking especially when it came to salt and all salt-related activities! She had even put it on her resume - "only ask me to salt things if you actually want me to salt something, as I am unable to get any subtleties regarding salt". Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed after they went for a walk outside in the snow.

He had thoroughly enjoyed his lovely first date with her up until the utterly awkward and completely confusing moment right before dinner. She asked him if he would break bread with her and though he did want to have dinner with her, and he loved breaking bread and even more so, eating bread and had coincidentally spent the entire afternoon daydreaming about either eating bread with her or eating bread in her presence, this was a highly irregular request and it caught him off-guard. He didn't want her to be disappointed, especially because of his feeling towards her and the sanctity of bread. So he stood, lifted her in her beautiful dress and fancy shoes and, despite her screams, used her to break the bread. creating such a scene at the restaurant and a seemingly infinite amount of crusty bread pieces were thrust into the air. She had never felt happier or better understood in her life. "So this is love" she whispered.

She is always crying uncle! No, not that one - he is a total jerk who doesn't know when enough is enough with the teasing and taunting. She is crying for her other uncle - the one who loves roast beef.

He is said, by many, to have the gift of tongues, but aside from being able to perform a few party tricks, he sees it as more of a curse.

She is always telling people that she could count the number of times something happened using the fingers on one hand. This was ultra impressive when she was five, but is currently a reason to call to book an appointment to have a review of her meds, especially because the answer is always 11.

On a daily basis, since his son's birth, he has been asking his son "who's your daddy?" and finally, on his son's 4th birthday, his son replied "Dad, please stop asking. What is wrong with you?" On the negative side, he didn't get the answer he was looking for and it caused him to fall immediately into a dark place. On the positive side, he was pleased both with his son's use of syntax (quite advanced for a four year old) and his upfront nature. And it got him thinking about what was wrong with him and why he needed reaffirmation about whose daddy he was - it was not as if he didn't know the answer. The very next day, he went out in search of an answer to his son's poignant response, and a new question to start asking.

She is always in search of the naked truth, as the pursuit of the whole truth is very important to her. Plus, it is very risque and exciting.

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