Friday, June 27, 2014

Without Regrets

I know you love cookies, but I'm still mad that you smashed my sand castle last summer that you know meant so much to me, so I'm delivering my famous chocolate chip cookies to you one ingredient at a time.

I've been trying to teach my cat Morse code as a potentially new source of income for the family.

I am desperately in need of some money in order to purchase a new porcelain ballerina. I thought briefly about robbing a bank, or putting together a resume and getting a job, but have instead settled on whining.

I have decided to use deductive reasoning on a regular basis. This is all well and good once I am at out of the house in the morning, but breakfast lasts for hours as I play detective trying to figure out who drank the rest of the milk.

I have become more and more frustrated and have decided to have a family meeting. When everyone is seated, and after some opening remarks, the approval of last month's minutes and an obligatory joke, I hurl jello at all of them and immediately feel less frustrated.

I often sit on the beach at night, close my eyes and listen to the waves. I find that if any one of these things are missing from the experience I'd rather be chopping zucchini. I keep my fridge stocked with zucchini at all times just in case.

It must be a Pavlovian response, but whenever I hear the phone ring, I start to bark like a dog.

I feel a perverse pleasure when I am gouging out the eyes of potatoes.

I've been asking around gathering opinions on whether exacting revenge is an okay motivation for getting involved with humanitarian aid projects. 

I often slice bananas into my cereal at breakfast time. What I'm not telling you is how much I am crying on the inside while doing this.

I feel like I need to come clean. Despite what you think you've heard, I have no desire to dress up like a princess today. Maybe tomorrow, but I'm not making any promises.

I went to sleep hungry last night and that explains the feather residue around my mouth this morning. I prefer not to explain the feather residue you witnessed yesterday.

I can't stop coughing this morning. It's true, you don't know how much you'll miss it till it's gone.

I proudly wear my reversible jersey. Yes it is comfortable and stylish, but I mostly wear it for inspirational reasons.

I'd love to perm my beard. Just seems like it would be ridiculously hilarious at first and possibly trendsetting and a flotation device afterwards.

I have decided to start knitting my own clothes. I will be the only tennis player at the club with thick woolen clothes.

I love spreading peanut butter. Know this -  while you'll be lying, scared in your little bed while the thunder cracks and roars and the lightening flashes in the sky and the rain lands like bullets on your roof, I'll be in my kitchen cackling like an evil genius spreading my peanut butter.

I am trying to learn how to speak Spanish. Often I do something first and come up with a reason for doing it afterwards.

I answer the door and am staring at this incredibly handsome man. The sort of man you either want to be seen with or to pour a bowl of ice water on. Unfortunately I was currently occupied counting grains of rice and the ice tray was empty. Fortunately, he was very understanding and had a free afternoon, so he sat in my front area waiting until I was either ready to go out or the water had frozen into cubes.

I've chosen to live my life without regrets! Ha ha ha!





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