And here are the electives courses, please refer to Part 1 for the Academic course descriptions
Home Economics Classes
Cooking- If you jumped to the assumption that this course involved actual cooking, you would be wrong. It used to be a course where students would learn to cook, but last summer this aging, hippie of a teacher decided to rid himself of all of worldly possessions, including all of the ovens and stoves in his cooking classroom (even though, as he found out after the fact, that they weren't actually his to sell). Before, classes would make chicken pot pies, spaghetti and meat sauce and cookies, and now much of the class is spent sitting in a circle on the floor, listening to the teacher sing songs from the '60s accompanied by his banjo. In breaks between songs, the students will be entertained by colourful stories of his renegade, stick-it-to-the-man cooking past which are all tied together by his passionate anti-war/pro-love philosophy. It is this teacher's hope, that by the end of the course, that although students will not have actually cooked anything, they will have gained a true understanding of the philosophy, beauty and social implications of cooking.
Home Economics Classes
Cooking- If you jumped to the assumption that this course involved actual cooking, you would be wrong. It used to be a course where students would learn to cook, but last summer this aging, hippie of a teacher decided to rid himself of all of worldly possessions, including all of the ovens and stoves in his cooking classroom (even though, as he found out after the fact, that they weren't actually his to sell). Before, classes would make chicken pot pies, spaghetti and meat sauce and cookies, and now much of the class is spent sitting in a circle on the floor, listening to the teacher sing songs from the '60s accompanied by his banjo. In breaks between songs, the students will be entertained by colourful stories of his renegade, stick-it-to-the-man cooking past which are all tied together by his passionate anti-war/pro-love philosophy. It is this teacher's hope, that by the end of the course, that although students will not have actually cooked anything, they will have gained a true understanding of the philosophy, beauty and social implications of cooking.
Sewing - In this class, students will learn to make shirts, dresses, pants, socks and hats. The teacher is an extreme task-master and deadlines are announced early and never extended. Students will learn to sew and will have the cuts and scars to remind them of all of their hard work. It is realized after the fact, that the course also acts as an inexpensive method for the teacher to update their wardrobe.
Family studies - Family makes up the core of our existence and, by the end of this course, students will learn all about families: how to make them (through a series of informational and low budget videos), how to maintain them (through a series of emotional and intentionally awkward role-playing activities) and how to escape from them (through a gripping multimedia presentation from the teacher showing how she got brainwashed as a young teen and joined a local cult who had her commit a number of low-level crimes and misdemeanors and perform increasingly stranger and weirder animalistic rituals until she finally had had enough after being asked to trim the leader's beard while also feeding him peeled grapes and she escaped at midnight posing as a door-to-door encyclopedia salesperson). All different types of families are studied: conjugal, avuncular, matrifocal, extended and blended (with a small amount of time watching "Three Men and a Baby" and discussing the pros and cons to this type of family). Lots of time is spent discussing the value and advantages of each and at the end of the course, students will write a final paper where they must argue vehemently which type of family is the best. Bonus points are given to any student who starts their own family during the running of the course.
Career and personal planning- In this course, students will learn to plan their futures. While not anyone's favourite course, the teacher adeptly provides the students all the motivation they need by recounting all of the mistakes, errors and psychological pain he encountered as a result of not planning ahead. This course has a 100% completion rate as all students attempt to avoid being anything like their teacher.
Career and personal planning- In this course, students will learn to plan their futures. While not anyone's favourite course, the teacher adeptly provides the students all the motivation they need by recounting all of the mistakes, errors and psychological pain he encountered as a result of not planning ahead. This course has a 100% completion rate as all students attempt to avoid being anything like their teacher.
Technology Education Classes
Woodwork- During the first class the teacher shares the truth behind where wood actually comes from. This harrowing tale of courage, valor and bark is meant to have students see wood in a different light and to give it the treatment it deserves. Unfortunately, the story is so obviously made up and borrows VERY heavily from the movie Lion King (he just replaced all of the lions with pieces of wood) that it doesn't quite work the way he intended. During the second class, the teacher lays down the ground rules of safety and behaviour, with extra-emphasis on students never euphemistically referring to male genitalia as wood as it is highly juvenile, creates unnecessary confusion and could lead to bad accidents. "Any other body part can be compared to or called wood," he says every year "knock yourself out!" which is followed by at least one gullible student actually knocking themselves out resulting in much hilarity for all, once they come to. The rest of the course is spent making life-sized wooden models of mythological beasts for Mother's Day and ornate wooden bowls with hidden splinters for Father's Day, because his mother loved mythological beasts and he hated his father who loved his collection of bowls so much.
Metalwork- Students are taught to create stunningly beautiful pieces of metal art from metal scraps found literally in a junk yard. The works of metal art are then appreciated for a week before being dismantled back into random scraps of metal and returned to where it was found.. Caution - the trip to the junk yard is dangerous! There are a lot of sharp edges -don't get cut! There are small rats and other small rodents - don't get bit! And make sure you stay with your partner, we don't want to leave anyone behind, as they may become one of those strange, runaway metal folk who haunt the junk yard. (Note from the office staff - we wanted to heavily edit this write-up, but the principal decided to leave it as it may attract more students to take the course.)
Mechanics - In term 1, each student is given a large box with all of the pieces of a car in it and the first to correctly assemble the pieces into an actual car gets an A and automatically gets to go open their own mechanics shop and bypass the rest of this course and school. Everyone else gets a C and gets to take pictures of the student next to their car so they can take this picture home and throw darts at it while they cry over their C. In term 2, each student is given a large box with all of the pieces of a car except one and the first student to correctly name the missing part, what it does and what bad things would happen to a driver who "accidentally" ate that part gets an A and gets to automatically work for (and clean up after) the student who opened the shop from term 1; everyone else gets a C and is allowed to mentally hurl and impale the successful student with the missing part. In term 3, the remaining students are taught the following topics "Wheels: why they are better triangular, but more aesthetically pleasing when round", "Car Washing: how to use this to get ahead in our modern world" and "Why everything looks so different from the passenger seat".
Electronics- Students are given the option of learning the most up-to-date electrical codes for houses and how to become filthy rich once gaining this knowledge, learning how to take a computer apart and put it back together and then learning how to do this again but only this time really really slowly, making a robot that can perform basic household tasks all-the-while spitting out an endless stream of sarcastic remarks about your own laziness, or sorting a massive box of discarded used wires into piles of separate colours for purposes that are never revealed (the teacher will say with a gleam in his eye "it's better you don't know"). A final project is learning how to not smile even when your best friend is semi-electrocuted as it is just really bad form, it gives you one less person to mooch off and it is almost definitely horrible for your karma.
Graphics- In this course, students will learn why one graphic design is "fresh and new" and another makes you want to "gouge your eyes out" and how these two extremes seem to flip flop every five years or so. Students are encouraged to find their own unique style but are given low grades if they use too much brown. Students will progress from basic image manipulation and placement in the early part of the course to an aggressive and coordinated advertising campaign featuring vivid, colourful and sleek posters with multiple subliminal messages, hidden objects and cute emojis. Students will be able to inquire as to what the ad campaign is for and the teacher will try, and ultimately fail, to explain via her own series of colourful sleek posters.
Business & Computer Courses
Web Design- As students enter the classroom on the first day, they are greeted by the following question on the whiteboard "Have you ever wanted to design your own website?" Students answering "no" or "not sure" or "I guess" are given the slow computers that crash constantly and are kept in class until the teacher finishes his World of Warcraft game. Students answering "yes" get the rest of the day off. On day two, students enter the classroom greeted by the same question, only this time it is written in a much larger font. Students answering anything but "yes" are subjected to hours of sitting in the dark, staring at the flickering screens of their computers until their teacher has perfected his calligraphy homework. On each day for the rest of the year, students enter and are met with larger and more forceful lettering asking the same question, with the affirmative-answering students allowed to leave and the students answering "no" having to endure stranger and harsher experiences often involving, but not limited to, sensory deprivation, beds of nails, especially ticklish feathers and bubble gum. This continues until either all students acquiesce and go enjoy their free time or the teacher can't physically use a larger font for the question (one year, he made super-huge foam letters that completely filled the classroom and students couldn't even enter through the door and even if they could, the letters were so large and somewhat randomly placed that the question, though ingrained in their brains at that point, was no longer readable). Once all students have agreed that, in the class called Web Design, that they all do, in fact, want to design webpages do they actually get to learn how to do so, and they will learn so much if the teacher answers his daily question "Do you really want to teach these students to design their own website?" with a yes.
Accounting- In this comprehensive course, students will learn why cash flow is usually good and accrued liabilities are usually not, why cooking the books is better than fudging the numbers, and how to dress for an audit. Students will pair up and role play trying to use "bottom line", "surplus", "asset" and "liquid" in as many ways as possible all the while keeping a straight face. Students will also learn why it is rarely okay for accountants to break down and cry in front of their bosses or clients except if presented with valuable stock options.
Marketing- In this practical course, students will learn basic marketing skills needed to operate the school store. This enthusiastic teacher has even gone as far as writing her own textbook, if you can call an entire book of cartoons a textbook and she can, so it is! The book features chapters entitled (1) Let's Make Taking Inventory Fun (or at least more fun then before)!, (2) You Call That A Profit?!?!? I'll Show You a Profit!, (3) How To Run Your Store So it Doesn't Run You (unless you want it to and then flip to chapter 25), (4) One Secret That Will Help You Sell Anything (and a few more if that one doesn't work) and (5) How To Kill (an expression) Your Competition and Run (an expression) Them Out of Business (not an expression) and Give Them Jobs You Wouldn't Give to Your Dog (might be an expression, won't be sure until I get a dog and try to train it to do menial tasks at my store -stay tuned for the future editions). The highlight of this class is the final party where everyone gets to throw around copious amounts monopoly money and pretend to light imitation cigars while drinking fizzy apple juice in plastic champagne flutes.
Drafting- Very few people know what drafting actually is (believe me, we looked) and, unfortunately for our school, the one person who did went a little...how do we say this respectfully?...crazy (that wasn't it) and is not currently able to work. While we await his return, this newly completely self-directed class will be covered by our first aid-attendant, so at least if someone gets hurt using any of the sharp drafting tools or accessories, they will be well looked after. Any actual drafting projects that get completed will be purely coincidental and will have to remain ungraded as none of us have any clue what is going on.
Physical Education Classes
Physical Education- Students will be graded on attendance, effort and the volume and intensity of their grunting as well as their performance and progress in the sport skills they are taught. In term one, students will run, play volleyball, run, play soccer and run. If the class is well behaved, they will be introduced to a highly secretive volleyball/soccer hybrid that the teacher invented late at night after drinking a whole lot of coffee and inhaling the contents of three entire canisters of whipped cream. In term two, students will continue to run a lot, mostly by doing laps on the oval track, but occasionally in a complex, highly-regimented zigzag pattern that would look awesome if seen from above. When not running, they are not. And they are also playing basketball, swimming and learning squash. The teacher is a squash fanatic and after multiple failed attempts to share his love of squash, has been known to amp the ball machine up to it's highest speed and fire squash balls at his students as a last ditch, bruise-inducing effort to get them to love this graceful and beautiful game. Finally, in term three the students are expected just to start running almost as if it is a sixth sense. The teacher believes by now, after months of running on his command, that they should just know when he would like them to run and where he wants them to run to. Surprisingly most students are in tune with their teacher and those that aren't have to do push ups, but not just any old push ups, they must do push ups while running - a VERY challenging task! Students will also play tennis, ultimate frisbee and golf. The teacher doesn't quite buy that frisbee is an actual sport to be taken seriously so he brings in a team of dogs from the local animal shelter for the students to play against, and adopt if they chose to. Bonus marks are given to any student who teaches a dog to throw a frisbee. On the final day of class, the students will be locked in the gym with a single ball and are given the simple instruction "win" - those that win will pass the course and those that don't will be forced to run some more.
Yoga- In this course students will learn to breathe and stretch and why no one should ever do one with out the other. Students will be quizzed daily on the English translations for the Sanskrit names of the poses they are learning with extra marks being given to students who actually learn Sanskrit. Poses learned will include The Sun Salutation (including a contingency plan for days when it is overcast), The Warrior Series (as well as the lesser known Coward and Draft Dodger series), Standing Bow (as well as both Floor Bow, Kneeling Bow and Broken Bow after years of archery practice only gained you a 9th place in the competition), Half Moon (students will NOT be allowed to attempt to demonstrate any posture called Full Moon in this class), Standing Head to Knee (and for the more advanced Standing Body Part X to Body Part Y with bonus marks being given for creativity and difficulty - please do not suggest Hand to Butt, or Finger to Inside of Nose as those jokes are tired and old), and Dead Body Pose (we will end all classes with this pose - PLEASE make sure you do not do this pose too well, as one student spent the entire weekend in the classroom as the teacher and custodian both mistook the still student for a mannequin).
Strength and Conditioning- In this course, students will lift weights, get buff and either need to buy new t-shirts or make all of their old t-shirts look like they were purchased at Gap For Kids. Students will learn how to curl their biceps to the beat of European Death Metal, bench press impressively weighty barbells while enduring self-doubt inducing slogans and blasting their core only after attempting to baste, bless and act blase about it first to varying degrees of success. All body parts will be worked with the focus being on those that can either help in a future rescue situations or look good when someone just happens to have some extra baby oil lying around. Students will be first introduced to high-intensity interval training, followed by medium-intensity interval training, followed by low-intensity interval training, followed by hanging out in the park looking for four-leaf clovers (although some students will do this in a fairly intense matter). And, just to clear things up - there is no actual conditioning of hair in this course, despite how "misleading" some students claim the title is. The conditioning is primarily for your body and secondly for your mind. If anything else is conditioned consider it a bonus.
Note: There will be a long-term teacher on call in for this class for the first term due to injuries and burns as a result of an unfortunate flying-a-kite-in-a-lightening-storm activity that was caused by the teacher either mishearing his wife or being far too literal or both. For some reason, the school board has placed a retired ballet teacher in his place, so, suffice it to say, the class may be slightly different, and students will most likely be considerably more graceful, than usual.
Physical Education- Students will be graded on attendance, effort and the volume and intensity of their grunting as well as their performance and progress in the sport skills they are taught. In term one, students will run, play volleyball, run, play soccer and run. If the class is well behaved, they will be introduced to a highly secretive volleyball/soccer hybrid that the teacher invented late at night after drinking a whole lot of coffee and inhaling the contents of three entire canisters of whipped cream. In term two, students will continue to run a lot, mostly by doing laps on the oval track, but occasionally in a complex, highly-regimented zigzag pattern that would look awesome if seen from above. When not running, they are not. And they are also playing basketball, swimming and learning squash. The teacher is a squash fanatic and after multiple failed attempts to share his love of squash, has been known to amp the ball machine up to it's highest speed and fire squash balls at his students as a last ditch, bruise-inducing effort to get them to love this graceful and beautiful game. Finally, in term three the students are expected just to start running almost as if it is a sixth sense. The teacher believes by now, after months of running on his command, that they should just know when he would like them to run and where he wants them to run to. Surprisingly most students are in tune with their teacher and those that aren't have to do push ups, but not just any old push ups, they must do push ups while running - a VERY challenging task! Students will also play tennis, ultimate frisbee and golf. The teacher doesn't quite buy that frisbee is an actual sport to be taken seriously so he brings in a team of dogs from the local animal shelter for the students to play against, and adopt if they chose to. Bonus marks are given to any student who teaches a dog to throw a frisbee. On the final day of class, the students will be locked in the gym with a single ball and are given the simple instruction "win" - those that win will pass the course and those that don't will be forced to run some more.
Yoga- In this course students will learn to breathe and stretch and why no one should ever do one with out the other. Students will be quizzed daily on the English translations for the Sanskrit names of the poses they are learning with extra marks being given to students who actually learn Sanskrit. Poses learned will include The Sun Salutation (including a contingency plan for days when it is overcast), The Warrior Series (as well as the lesser known Coward and Draft Dodger series), Standing Bow (as well as both Floor Bow, Kneeling Bow and Broken Bow after years of archery practice only gained you a 9th place in the competition), Half Moon (students will NOT be allowed to attempt to demonstrate any posture called Full Moon in this class), Standing Head to Knee (and for the more advanced Standing Body Part X to Body Part Y with bonus marks being given for creativity and difficulty - please do not suggest Hand to Butt, or Finger to Inside of Nose as those jokes are tired and old), and Dead Body Pose (we will end all classes with this pose - PLEASE make sure you do not do this pose too well, as one student spent the entire weekend in the classroom as the teacher and custodian both mistook the still student for a mannequin).
Strength and Conditioning- In this course, students will lift weights, get buff and either need to buy new t-shirts or make all of their old t-shirts look like they were purchased at Gap For Kids. Students will learn how to curl their biceps to the beat of European Death Metal, bench press impressively weighty barbells while enduring self-doubt inducing slogans and blasting their core only after attempting to baste, bless and act blase about it first to varying degrees of success. All body parts will be worked with the focus being on those that can either help in a future rescue situations or look good when someone just happens to have some extra baby oil lying around. Students will be first introduced to high-intensity interval training, followed by medium-intensity interval training, followed by low-intensity interval training, followed by hanging out in the park looking for four-leaf clovers (although some students will do this in a fairly intense matter). And, just to clear things up - there is no actual conditioning of hair in this course, despite how "misleading" some students claim the title is. The conditioning is primarily for your body and secondly for your mind. If anything else is conditioned consider it a bonus.
Note: There will be a long-term teacher on call in for this class for the first term due to injuries and burns as a result of an unfortunate flying-a-kite-in-a-lightening-storm activity that was caused by the teacher either mishearing his wife or being far too literal or both. For some reason, the school board has placed a retired ballet teacher in his place, so, suffice it to say, the class may be slightly different, and students will most likely be considerably more graceful, than usual.
Fine Arts Classes
Art- Students will learn to appreciate great works of art and understand why some pieces of art should be appreciated and hung in the most famous museums in the world while others deserve to be laughed at and/or egged. In term one, the class will be introduced to painting with colours and why art with colours is always more exciting and appropriate than black and white pictures unless you are aiming for something "moody" or "artistic" or "German". Students will only be allowed to use one colour each week as the teacher feels that limitless colours only leads to chaos and epilepsy. In term two, students will learn about shading and perspective and how, if used properly, they can give your drawings the illusion of three dimensions and how, an accidentally spilled cup of water can reduce three dimensions down to one in seconds. Note: students who lack perspective in their regular life, will find drawing with perspective next to impossible. Finally, in term three, students will work with clay and either create a bowl, a series of intricate and historically accurate Roman warrior figurines, or, for those less-skilled, something more abstract that may or may not be either a bowl, a warrior or both. Male students' final grades will be determined in equal parts on their portfolio, the shape, style and length of their mustache and groveling. Female students' final grades will be determined in equal parts on their portfolio, their choice of beret and level of pretentiousness (any mustaches grown by female students will be taken into account as well.)
Acting- Day 1: each student has a character randomly assigned to them. Since this teacher is an extreme follower of method acting, where students are intended to live their part off stage and do as they would do, from the second you walk into this classroom until the day you finish in June, you will be on stage and in character all day long - no exceptions! Students are expected to always be in character, even if it results in serious reprimanding at home, actions that lead to failure in other classes and being seen as a social deviant and/or recluse and/or butterfly by those who used to hold you in high regard (the only exception to the method acting rule is when a student is presented with a piece of scrumptious BBQ chicken - everyone loves chicken, regardless of what their character would be hungry for - and everyone must eat it whenever it is served no exceptions!). Each year the class will perform a play in the late spring, and how this is unique is that the play writes itself as the students, in character, interact with each other inside and outside of class while the teacher, playing God if you will, injects overly dramatic situations, moments of high comedy and an almost never-ending stream of social misunderstandings. The play is always spectacular and the actors are always greeted like returning Davids after felling Goliaths (though the audience members must spent weeks preparing their praise in Hebrew and Aramaic). On the final day of class, students are able to be themselves again and everyone just sits in various random spots in the classroom in awkward silence.
Dance- In this class, students will be exposed to the wonderful world of dance in all of its varieties. Some of the dances that will be taught next year are: ballet, the "Robot, who is badly in need of some new updates or programming troubleshooting", the Waltz, the "I've got something alive in my shirt and I have no freakin' clue what it could be!!! Oh, it was some pizza!" dance, the Flamenco and the "Oh no, I don't dance. No really, I don't dance. Look! How many times and ways must I tell you, I don't dance! Leave me alone!" dance. For the most part this teacher gravitates towards "happier" dance numbers and anything not totally upbeat usually leaves her in tears, although students will at least be initially unsure if these are tears of joy or pain until the wailing begins. Students will learn to dance with focus, so much so that they will often appear to uneducated outsiders that they are in some sort of trance or that they are under some sort of remote brain control, but this is easily forgotten as the dance is just that good. If you sign up for dance expect to work hard and be free to rehearse hours after school. There is a letter of commitment that must be signed and returned by the end of the first week of classes that in no way is legally-binding or grounds for dismissal from the school or putting the student at risk of a criminal lawsuit, but is intended to give the impression that it is.
Band- The year will start with students selecting an instrument. This instrument will become part of you and you won't feel complete with out it. The teacher will discuss the fine line between healthy and scary attachment levels to your instrument and you are expected to constantly toe that line. Students will learn about octaves (including the secret 10 note octave that is a thing of lore), keys (why the best songs always have tons of sharp notes in them), tempo (never make it too fast or else audience members may throw up) and why the best musicians were equal parts lovers, meat-eaters and struggling with borderline personality disorders. The band will learn the Jazz standards as well as experiment with New jazz that involves tons of avant-garde improvisation and growling. Students are strongly encouraged to lose themselves in their work and reach a point of true expression. One of the numbers learned last year was originally intended to be 4 minutes long and ended up close to 3 hours in length mostly as the drummer grew infatuated with the sound his symbol made when he allowed his afro to brush against it and the sax players tried to hijack the song by playing until everyone else just decided to go to the cafeteria for lunch. Unlike more typical bands that remain stationary aside from standing during predictable solos, this band roams the stage as they perform, starring down the audience almost as if they had been challenged to a duel or had possibly dropped their cellphones somewhere on the auditorium floor. There is lots of high-fiving, camaraderie, in-jokes and whoopie cushions among the band members which result in the audience feeling either very left-out and ostracized or hungry. But, anyone can join - no experience is necessary! Come join us in the band!
Choir- If you love singing this is the place for you! We will sing...a lot. In fact, we will only sing, all the time, every class. That's right, only singing. "Why?" some students will ask and they will only receive the answer "freedom" if they sang their question and even then the answer will only serve to confuse matters more. Aside from singing in class, the choir will perform at assemblies and in competitions. In an effort to stand out in, this choir only performs songs in extinct or animal languages. Highlights from previous years was the touching Crimean Gothic song about death and loss (we think - no real idea what they were singing about, and we suspect that some of them didn't either as a few of them were smiling the whole time), the musical comedy number performed in dolphin (by the girls) and whale (by the boys) and the song in Latin about the rapidly encroaching extinction of Latin (historical and linguistic liberties were taken in the writing of this song that shocked and insulted the professor of Latin who just randomly happened to be in the audience). As the performance neared it's end, Latin became extinct and the choir was rendered mute and were only able to express themselves through a series of odd clicks and hand gestures that seemed somewhat offensive, but all-the-while heart-wrenchingly beautiful. The more the merrier in the choir - it is a lot of fun, aside from the harsh and almost constant judging.
Art- Students will learn to appreciate great works of art and understand why some pieces of art should be appreciated and hung in the most famous museums in the world while others deserve to be laughed at and/or egged. In term one, the class will be introduced to painting with colours and why art with colours is always more exciting and appropriate than black and white pictures unless you are aiming for something "moody" or "artistic" or "German". Students will only be allowed to use one colour each week as the teacher feels that limitless colours only leads to chaos and epilepsy. In term two, students will learn about shading and perspective and how, if used properly, they can give your drawings the illusion of three dimensions and how, an accidentally spilled cup of water can reduce three dimensions down to one in seconds. Note: students who lack perspective in their regular life, will find drawing with perspective next to impossible. Finally, in term three, students will work with clay and either create a bowl, a series of intricate and historically accurate Roman warrior figurines, or, for those less-skilled, something more abstract that may or may not be either a bowl, a warrior or both. Male students' final grades will be determined in equal parts on their portfolio, the shape, style and length of their mustache and groveling. Female students' final grades will be determined in equal parts on their portfolio, their choice of beret and level of pretentiousness (any mustaches grown by female students will be taken into account as well.)
Acting- Day 1: each student has a character randomly assigned to them. Since this teacher is an extreme follower of method acting, where students are intended to live their part off stage and do as they would do, from the second you walk into this classroom until the day you finish in June, you will be on stage and in character all day long - no exceptions! Students are expected to always be in character, even if it results in serious reprimanding at home, actions that lead to failure in other classes and being seen as a social deviant and/or recluse and/or butterfly by those who used to hold you in high regard (the only exception to the method acting rule is when a student is presented with a piece of scrumptious BBQ chicken - everyone loves chicken, regardless of what their character would be hungry for - and everyone must eat it whenever it is served no exceptions!). Each year the class will perform a play in the late spring, and how this is unique is that the play writes itself as the students, in character, interact with each other inside and outside of class while the teacher, playing God if you will, injects overly dramatic situations, moments of high comedy and an almost never-ending stream of social misunderstandings. The play is always spectacular and the actors are always greeted like returning Davids after felling Goliaths (though the audience members must spent weeks preparing their praise in Hebrew and Aramaic). On the final day of class, students are able to be themselves again and everyone just sits in various random spots in the classroom in awkward silence.
Dance- In this class, students will be exposed to the wonderful world of dance in all of its varieties. Some of the dances that will be taught next year are: ballet, the "Robot, who is badly in need of some new updates or programming troubleshooting", the Waltz, the "I've got something alive in my shirt and I have no freakin' clue what it could be!!! Oh, it was some pizza!" dance, the Flamenco and the "Oh no, I don't dance. No really, I don't dance. Look! How many times and ways must I tell you, I don't dance! Leave me alone!" dance. For the most part this teacher gravitates towards "happier" dance numbers and anything not totally upbeat usually leaves her in tears, although students will at least be initially unsure if these are tears of joy or pain until the wailing begins. Students will learn to dance with focus, so much so that they will often appear to uneducated outsiders that they are in some sort of trance or that they are under some sort of remote brain control, but this is easily forgotten as the dance is just that good. If you sign up for dance expect to work hard and be free to rehearse hours after school. There is a letter of commitment that must be signed and returned by the end of the first week of classes that in no way is legally-binding or grounds for dismissal from the school or putting the student at risk of a criminal lawsuit, but is intended to give the impression that it is.
Band- The year will start with students selecting an instrument. This instrument will become part of you and you won't feel complete with out it. The teacher will discuss the fine line between healthy and scary attachment levels to your instrument and you are expected to constantly toe that line. Students will learn about octaves (including the secret 10 note octave that is a thing of lore), keys (why the best songs always have tons of sharp notes in them), tempo (never make it too fast or else audience members may throw up) and why the best musicians were equal parts lovers, meat-eaters and struggling with borderline personality disorders. The band will learn the Jazz standards as well as experiment with New jazz that involves tons of avant-garde improvisation and growling. Students are strongly encouraged to lose themselves in their work and reach a point of true expression. One of the numbers learned last year was originally intended to be 4 minutes long and ended up close to 3 hours in length mostly as the drummer grew infatuated with the sound his symbol made when he allowed his afro to brush against it and the sax players tried to hijack the song by playing until everyone else just decided to go to the cafeteria for lunch. Unlike more typical bands that remain stationary aside from standing during predictable solos, this band roams the stage as they perform, starring down the audience almost as if they had been challenged to a duel or had possibly dropped their cellphones somewhere on the auditorium floor. There is lots of high-fiving, camaraderie, in-jokes and whoopie cushions among the band members which result in the audience feeling either very left-out and ostracized or hungry. But, anyone can join - no experience is necessary! Come join us in the band!
Choir- If you love singing this is the place for you! We will sing...a lot. In fact, we will only sing, all the time, every class. That's right, only singing. "Why?" some students will ask and they will only receive the answer "freedom" if they sang their question and even then the answer will only serve to confuse matters more. Aside from singing in class, the choir will perform at assemblies and in competitions. In an effort to stand out in, this choir only performs songs in extinct or animal languages. Highlights from previous years was the touching Crimean Gothic song about death and loss (we think - no real idea what they were singing about, and we suspect that some of them didn't either as a few of them were smiling the whole time), the musical comedy number performed in dolphin (by the girls) and whale (by the boys) and the song in Latin about the rapidly encroaching extinction of Latin (historical and linguistic liberties were taken in the writing of this song that shocked and insulted the professor of Latin who just randomly happened to be in the audience). As the performance neared it's end, Latin became extinct and the choir was rendered mute and were only able to express themselves through a series of odd clicks and hand gestures that seemed somewhat offensive, but all-the-while heart-wrenchingly beautiful. The more the merrier in the choir - it is a lot of fun, aside from the harsh and almost constant judging.
And there you go grade 12s! What a comprehensive list of courses. Remember, chose wisely and consider all of your options. Have a great summer and see you next year!
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