Welcome to course planning for 2014-2015 grade 12 students! This guide is the result of a lot of hard work and planning by the staff at our school and should provide you a useful reference when selecting your courses for the upcoming grade 12 year - the most important year of your school career. You will have to incorporate graduation requirements, post-secondary admissions and your personal interests in choosing your 8 classes. It is important to consider all of your options as there are so many compelling and fun courses to select from. We know you are excited about next year and graduation and the future- it is only a little over a year away - read this booklet carefully, ask your teachers and counsellor lots of questions and talk about your plans with your family. Have fun planning!
Pre-Calculus - This comprehensive class includes the following topics
Algebra - A significant amount of time is spent discussing what to do with the illusive 'x' when it is finally found - does it deserve a celebratory party or a bit of talking to? Sample test questions include "Where is a variable when you need it most?" and "Which of the following are constants? (a) 2, (b) your impending demise, (c) the cat scratching at your door while you sleep, (d) there are no constants in life as everything we know and love is fleeting". The teacher is particularly fond of solving equations and prefers them then regular daily interactions with quote unquote humans. Reminder that 20% of the final grade for this unit is based on an essay on the topic of (a) the political ramifications of using inequalities to reach a long-lasting peace or (b) are algebra tiles the work of the devil?
Geometry- This unit deals with shapes, shapes and more shapes. Students are taught to fight the temptation to only study the more "popular" shapes like triangles and squares and to think outside the box (note: this class actually takes place inside a large cardboard box). For the second month of this unit, the class will be divided in half and will debate 2-dimensional shapes vs. 3 dimensional shapes (the 3-dimensional side has their work cut out for them as the teacher is quite biased, feeling that three-dimensional shapes are invading our domain and that they should have just stuck to 2-dimensions as was intended by our creator). Students will also learn why historically the "rounder" shapes have all the fun and why adding extra sides and angles may initially seem like a great idea but eventually only leads towards mass hysteria and an early curfew.
Algebra - A significant amount of time is spent discussing what to do with the illusive 'x' when it is finally found - does it deserve a celebratory party or a bit of talking to? Sample test questions include "Where is a variable when you need it most?" and "Which of the following are constants? (a) 2, (b) your impending demise, (c) the cat scratching at your door while you sleep, (d) there are no constants in life as everything we know and love is fleeting". The teacher is particularly fond of solving equations and prefers them then regular daily interactions with quote unquote humans. Reminder that 20% of the final grade for this unit is based on an essay on the topic of (a) the political ramifications of using inequalities to reach a long-lasting peace or (b) are algebra tiles the work of the devil?
Geometry- This unit deals with shapes, shapes and more shapes. Students are taught to fight the temptation to only study the more "popular" shapes like triangles and squares and to think outside the box (note: this class actually takes place inside a large cardboard box). For the second month of this unit, the class will be divided in half and will debate 2-dimensional shapes vs. 3 dimensional shapes (the 3-dimensional side has their work cut out for them as the teacher is quite biased, feeling that three-dimensional shapes are invading our domain and that they should have just stuck to 2-dimensions as was intended by our creator). Students will also learn why historically the "rounder" shapes have all the fun and why adding extra sides and angles may initially seem like a great idea but eventually only leads towards mass hysteria and an early curfew.
Trigonometry - Didn't you always want to know how tall that tall tree in the park is? No? Well, how about having the ability to calculate the distance between two ships that have travelled different distances and directions? Really? I bet you've always wanted to know how much higher a taller building is than the shorter one in front of it if you know the angles you are looking at the top of each building with? Fine then! This section of the course is meaningless for you! Bonus marks will be given to any student who creates and performs a rap about trigonometry as long as they can avoid misogynistic language and lyrics glorifying the use of drugs (feel free to be as racist as you'd like as we all know how hard it would be to talk about trigonometry without going there).
Probability- The teacher will spend the entire first week with her back to the class rolling a single die crying (believe us, we know the teacher and can predict these things). The teacher will spend the entire second week of the class shuffling a deck of cards until her hands bleed. The teacher will spend the entire third week of the class, dressed as a happy circus clown, cackling and dancing and flipping a coin while prancing around the room. It should be clear, by the end of this course, why games of chance and any attempts to apply probability to your leisure activities should be avoided at all costs unless of course you win, then by all means go for it! Also, students will understand why a 40% chance of rain almost always results in rain and that instead of 40% having any connection at all to probability it is more of a "premonition" the meteorologist "came to" after a night of losing at poker, heavy drinking, and chain-smoking Cuban cigars. All students will be required to play the stock market aggressively until they go bankrupt as part of a class project on the merits of using probability to make a living.
AP Calculus - Welcome to one hell of a hard class! Like, wow - this is some hard stuff and you should pat yourself on the back for even entertaining the idea of studying this version of math that makes all other types of math look like collecting dolls. On the first day of class the teacher will introduce counting, first by 1s, then by 2s, then back to 1s again. On day 2, the class will spend time on complicated differential equations, focusing mostly on ones that are overly complex and have the least amount of practical applications, and then on day 3 back to counting again. The rest of the year is spent investigating why the most nerdy of the mathematicians end up attracting the most stunning models and why many people believe that calculus was created so that only a small portion of the population would be able to order takeout from that really good Chinese place on 5th. Prerequisites: An A in Calculus, permission from the instructor or some combination of the two. Note: the use of comically large pencils and comically small erasers is a plus - just large pencils and small erasers with out the comical aspect will get you nowhere.
Apprenticeship and Workplace Math - This course will teach you all about math you need in a variety of common workplaces: sinking submarines, burning buildings or buildings that just happen to be filled with a whole lot of chain-smokers, trapeze swings and bakeries that feature delectable cupcakes. Everyone must both literally and figuratively embrace fractions and their low-class cousin from the burbs, decimals, or else we are going to have a bit of a problem. Much time is spent on percentages, their role in the Iran Contra Affair and how the symbol is easily the most fun to share with others in social settings. Students should be aware that each month a different student is selected at random and "voted" off the classroom and can only return after either completing updating their wardrobe or taking a selfie high-fiving the principal (next to impossible as she is VERY out-of-touch with technology and thinks that everyone using a cell phone is practicing some rare form of witchcraft.)
Science Classes
Biology - In this course both plants and animals are studied (and the teacher is open to studying half-plant, half-animal beings if the class has an interest as well). The teacher is a real plant-enthusiast and try as he might, he just can't help comparing and contrasting humans and plants and coming to the non-empirically proven hypothesis that plants are far superior aside from their inability to walk. This leads naturally into an optional unit where the teacher reads from an in-the-works novel he is writing on where a species of walking-plants enslave us all and go on to do a much better job as the caretakers of the planet, aside from creating impossible-to-listen-to club music. The class will most likely enjoy this book aside from the ending where the people and plants become friends and decide to start a new civilization as equals mostly because it seems forced and cliche. Note: students will be doing a lot of dissecting in this class. Like a lot. If it moves, or once moved or is even thinking about moving, it will be dissected. At other schools, they dissect a frog; well, we not only dissect the frog, but make a restaurant-quality dish out of the innards. In some biology classes at other schools they dissect a cow's eye; well at our school we do 5 per day every day often with one arm tied behind our back (we used to do much with one arm behind our back in our school as a result of our first headmaster back in the 1880s losing an arm to a crocodile, who was then dissected).
Chemistry - "Chemistry is everywhere" the students will learn and will be asked to provide a comprehensive list of exactly where and when by the end of term 1 to receive a passing grade. In second term, this ex-theatre teacher has the class dress up as their favorite atoms and try bonding together (a popular and highly controversial unit that is only begrudgingly accepted by the administration and parents due to the high number of students asking for chemistry sets for birthday presents and the very low percentage of pregnant students compared to the national average). The current version of this unit is WAY toned down from its original form in the 60s, as that would just be too risque. Students will not be late and, if they are they need to get a glass of water for the teacher from scratch (the water and the glass). If much of the class is failing at the mid-term break, as is anticipated due to a nonsensical and seemingly random marking scheme, the punishment is that the class has to work solely with unbalanced equations just so they know how they feel and will not be allowed to balance them unless they can come up with a really funny and original chemistry joke. An entire term will be wasted studying the wrong kinds of moles, although the students are now fully-equipped in case of unwanted facial growths or new holes that appear in their backyards. By the end of the course, students will be well-versed in all things ionic and will have gained a new appreciation for equilibrium and all of the good times that naturally come along with it.
Physics - In the past, this senior class has been in the running for "The Most Unnecessarily Difficult Course" title until the new ex-Eastern mystic teacher came in and revamped (read "slowed way the heck down") physics education a few years ago. This teacher does not believe in mixing physics with math in any way constantly and annoyingly using the analogy of olive oil and vinegar not mixing and constantly and annoyingly ignoring students who bring in a wonderfully delicious array of spectacular vinaigrettes to prove her wrong. The class will work on a long experiment that involves rolling increasingly larger and larger spheres down increasingly longer and longer planks at increasingly greater and greater degrees of inclination (don't bring your own ball or plank or suggest your own degree of inclination - the teacher will freak out and hurl anti-Einsteinian epitaphs at you intermixed with The Bhagavad Gita just to calm down). The point of this experiment will remain unclear months after the class is over and students will feel like the teacher just has a thing for balls and ramps.
Geology - This classroom is entirely filled with rocks. Literally. After a few weeks when the initial thrill and shock have worn off, the students realize there is no teacher or books or anything resembling desks. Just a pile of rocks. And not an attractive rock among them. Just a whole lot of ugly ugly rocks. Not surprisingly, this is a popular class. Left to their own devices, classes in the past have either (a) chosen to treat a particularly large rock as the teacher, mostly in their misplaced need for some, any, father figure, (b) sorted the rocks into piles by size, colour, personality and value on the open market and (c) created a Lord of the Flies-type civilization run by kids living among the rocks complete with a marketplace, a one-room rock schoolhouse and a series of monolithic rocks representing a new group of heathen deities. In the average year students actually leave this course knowing less about geology then before and the school has graduated an endless stream of hard-working, enthusiastic and incredibly weak geologists.
Social Science Classes
Law - The first day of this course, students are given an opening lecture on the following topics: "Do you realize how much fun people used to have before laws?", "How to obey the law and look really good while doing so", "If you have to choose between feeding your starving family and breaking a series of old, antiquated, senseless laws how to either develop a new, stronger moral compass or find a new family on a Russian brides website" and "Taking the law into your own hands in 5 simple, easy steps". The rest of this course is spent memorizing the criminal code of Canada word-by-word. There are no lectures, tests, assignments or projects. Instead, day after day and class after class, the students file in, sit down and take out their copies of the code and read. The final exam, worth 100% of the course, is notoriously difficult. Each student is arrested and charged based upon a rare and complicated law and is held in prison without bail until their court date when they are forced to defend themselves using their knowledge they gained throughout the year while reading the criminal code. The pro is that students really learn the law which will help them throughout their lives, the con is that a few classmates have to do 5 to 10 in the local prison where they will utilize their muscles gained from lugging around the weighty criminal code book all year -plus you never know when knowing how to make a licence plate will come in handy in the future.
History - In this course, students will learn all about the horrifying, tragic and stupid mistakes of history and will spend much time laughing, because, as the teacher always says "if we are doomed to repeat history, we may as well have a good time while we are waiting". This teacher also loves to tell stories and they often go on and on and always go off on weird tangents. One time he was telling the class a story about the rise of nationalism in Italy in the late 19th century and somehow ended talking about his new iPhone. Another time he was discussing the relationship between China and Japan and ended up offending those students who were big J-Lo fans. One other time on a Friday afternoon, he had the class so entranced that they thought the final bell was some sort of air siren warning them of the impending Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour that they spent the entire weekend huddled in fear under their desks. The teacher is also a big fan of learning by doing and often spends the entire second term having the class take place in historical re-enactments. This year, the class will be learning about the Crusades and the teacher prays that after months of re-enacting the Crusades a few students may chose to go buy him a coffee and a doughnut with hopefully a lot less death and religious undertones.
Philosophy - The opening week of this class involves learning, briefly, about all of the major ideas from the prominent philosophers in North American and European history through an interactive puppet show. The second week focuses on Asian and South Asian philosophical thinkers. The third week, equipped with information about all famous philosophies, students will do 10 minute presentations on their own personal philosophies and will be expected to be eloquent, convincing and willing to arduously commit themselves to living the rest of their lives according to their particular brand of philosophy. The rest of the course focuses on all of the "crazy" ideas of the teacher which concentrate mostly on the government being either criminally corrupt or better suited as jazz musicians and why philosophy majors are often the most attractive and constantly in high demand at Starbucks. Male students are encouraged to wear glasses and to grow a beard and then to lean back in their chair, look skyward and stroke their beard pensively. Female students are encouraged to also stroke the male student's beards or at least not to twirl their hair nervously as that is definitely "unphilosophical". Students have a choice to either write a comprehensive final exam or write an essay on the topic of "Nature vs Nurture - CHOOSE NOW!"
Psychology - Each week the teacher administers a different battery of tests on the students hoping to either help each student figure out their true personality profile and take one big step towards self-actualization or to see the short-term and long-term effects of psychological testing on adolescences for his paper that is due to be presented at the big conference next summer. Students are also encouraged to figure out what was up with Freud anyways and why so many famous psychologists have really hard names to pronounce. Other topics covered include (a) the difference between seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist or just continuing to talk to yourself in the mirror wearing a series of different hats, (b) the fine line between weird/funny and weird/where is that straight jacket?, and (c) how to psychoanalyze your friends without being detected to either help them or use the information for your own personal gain.
Geography - Throughout this course difficult questions are answered such as "where am I?", "where was I?" and "can you locate Djibouti on the globe?" The differences between physical geography and all other (lesser) varieties of geography are discussed over a series of excellently caterer picnics. The long-term effects of climate on lambs is researched as are the best sauce to serve with lamb during next week's picnic. The third portion of the course covers rare and exciting geographical terms such as deltas, fjords and chinooks mostly through a series of informational videos viewed over a series of amazing lunches. By the end of the class, the students are often confused if this was solely a geography class or more of means for the teacher to advertise and try out new recipes for her food truck.
English Classes
English - In this essential course for all students, the class spends the first two terms celebrating how English is by far the greatest language on earth. There is much revelry, back-patting and war whoops. A really awesome fort is made. The third term involves a massive research assignment looking into the implications for reducing the number of punctuation marks and how to make English more of a romance language especially for those of us who are considered "undateable".
Writing- If you love making up stories, you've come to the right place! You will write many a story in this class and have a chance to clear out all of those "weird" and "scary" ideas out of your head at the same time. Who knows, you may even meet a kindred spirit while doing so. As grammar is so challenging, the class will spend the first month on the comma and it's potential use as a tool during the impending revolution. Students will also learn how to better "advertise" their boring and unoriginal writing by calling it "creative". This writing teacher takes her job very seriously and, as if to prove a point, only communicates through writing. This serves to make even the most basic of conversations slightly awkward and elongated and it also burns through all of the scrap paper the office staff can provide. One goofy student usually attempts to tickle her to see if she laughs aloud or if she just writes the "tee hee hees" on paper. By the end of this course, you will either love writing or extend your vow of silence to include written communication as well.
English Literature- This class will read all of the works of Shakespeare forwards and backwards, literally. Forwards demonstrates the beauty, complexity and symbolic language of The Bard. Backwards is filled with mostly unintelligible language mixed with hidden demonic overtures rife throughout that somehow still demonstrates the amazing poetic prose of Shakespeare as well. Aside from the occasional student who has to be carted off for speaking in tongues, this is a merry class as there is much mead to be drunk, a veritable feast of wild boar to be eaten and the teacher plays a lovely pan flute that only adds to the mood. Any student asking if there are any other authors or poets to study will be sent out for being confrontational.
Law - The first day of this course, students are given an opening lecture on the following topics: "Do you realize how much fun people used to have before laws?", "How to obey the law and look really good while doing so", "If you have to choose between feeding your starving family and breaking a series of old, antiquated, senseless laws how to either develop a new, stronger moral compass or find a new family on a Russian brides website" and "Taking the law into your own hands in 5 simple, easy steps". The rest of this course is spent memorizing the criminal code of Canada word-by-word. There are no lectures, tests, assignments or projects. Instead, day after day and class after class, the students file in, sit down and take out their copies of the code and read. The final exam, worth 100% of the course, is notoriously difficult. Each student is arrested and charged based upon a rare and complicated law and is held in prison without bail until their court date when they are forced to defend themselves using their knowledge they gained throughout the year while reading the criminal code. The pro is that students really learn the law which will help them throughout their lives, the con is that a few classmates have to do 5 to 10 in the local prison where they will utilize their muscles gained from lugging around the weighty criminal code book all year -plus you never know when knowing how to make a licence plate will come in handy in the future.
History - In this course, students will learn all about the horrifying, tragic and stupid mistakes of history and will spend much time laughing, because, as the teacher always says "if we are doomed to repeat history, we may as well have a good time while we are waiting". This teacher also loves to tell stories and they often go on and on and always go off on weird tangents. One time he was telling the class a story about the rise of nationalism in Italy in the late 19th century and somehow ended talking about his new iPhone. Another time he was discussing the relationship between China and Japan and ended up offending those students who were big J-Lo fans. One other time on a Friday afternoon, he had the class so entranced that they thought the final bell was some sort of air siren warning them of the impending Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour that they spent the entire weekend huddled in fear under their desks. The teacher is also a big fan of learning by doing and often spends the entire second term having the class take place in historical re-enactments. This year, the class will be learning about the Crusades and the teacher prays that after months of re-enacting the Crusades a few students may chose to go buy him a coffee and a doughnut with hopefully a lot less death and religious undertones.
Philosophy - The opening week of this class involves learning, briefly, about all of the major ideas from the prominent philosophers in North American and European history through an interactive puppet show. The second week focuses on Asian and South Asian philosophical thinkers. The third week, equipped with information about all famous philosophies, students will do 10 minute presentations on their own personal philosophies and will be expected to be eloquent, convincing and willing to arduously commit themselves to living the rest of their lives according to their particular brand of philosophy. The rest of the course focuses on all of the "crazy" ideas of the teacher which concentrate mostly on the government being either criminally corrupt or better suited as jazz musicians and why philosophy majors are often the most attractive and constantly in high demand at Starbucks. Male students are encouraged to wear glasses and to grow a beard and then to lean back in their chair, look skyward and stroke their beard pensively. Female students are encouraged to also stroke the male student's beards or at least not to twirl their hair nervously as that is definitely "unphilosophical". Students have a choice to either write a comprehensive final exam or write an essay on the topic of "Nature vs Nurture - CHOOSE NOW!"
Psychology - Each week the teacher administers a different battery of tests on the students hoping to either help each student figure out their true personality profile and take one big step towards self-actualization or to see the short-term and long-term effects of psychological testing on adolescences for his paper that is due to be presented at the big conference next summer. Students are also encouraged to figure out what was up with Freud anyways and why so many famous psychologists have really hard names to pronounce. Other topics covered include (a) the difference between seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist or just continuing to talk to yourself in the mirror wearing a series of different hats, (b) the fine line between weird/funny and weird/where is that straight jacket?, and (c) how to psychoanalyze your friends without being detected to either help them or use the information for your own personal gain.
Geography - Throughout this course difficult questions are answered such as "where am I?", "where was I?" and "can you locate Djibouti on the globe?" The differences between physical geography and all other (lesser) varieties of geography are discussed over a series of excellently caterer picnics. The long-term effects of climate on lambs is researched as are the best sauce to serve with lamb during next week's picnic. The third portion of the course covers rare and exciting geographical terms such as deltas, fjords and chinooks mostly through a series of informational videos viewed over a series of amazing lunches. By the end of the class, the students are often confused if this was solely a geography class or more of means for the teacher to advertise and try out new recipes for her food truck.
English Classes
English - In this essential course for all students, the class spends the first two terms celebrating how English is by far the greatest language on earth. There is much revelry, back-patting and war whoops. A really awesome fort is made. The third term involves a massive research assignment looking into the implications for reducing the number of punctuation marks and how to make English more of a romance language especially for those of us who are considered "undateable".
Writing- If you love making up stories, you've come to the right place! You will write many a story in this class and have a chance to clear out all of those "weird" and "scary" ideas out of your head at the same time. Who knows, you may even meet a kindred spirit while doing so. As grammar is so challenging, the class will spend the first month on the comma and it's potential use as a tool during the impending revolution. Students will also learn how to better "advertise" their boring and unoriginal writing by calling it "creative". This writing teacher takes her job very seriously and, as if to prove a point, only communicates through writing. This serves to make even the most basic of conversations slightly awkward and elongated and it also burns through all of the scrap paper the office staff can provide. One goofy student usually attempts to tickle her to see if she laughs aloud or if she just writes the "tee hee hees" on paper. By the end of this course, you will either love writing or extend your vow of silence to include written communication as well.
English Literature- This class will read all of the works of Shakespeare forwards and backwards, literally. Forwards demonstrates the beauty, complexity and symbolic language of The Bard. Backwards is filled with mostly unintelligible language mixed with hidden demonic overtures rife throughout that somehow still demonstrates the amazing poetic prose of Shakespeare as well. Aside from the occasional student who has to be carted off for speaking in tongues, this is a merry class as there is much mead to be drunk, a veritable feast of wild boar to be eaten and the teacher plays a lovely pan flute that only adds to the mood. Any student asking if there are any other authors or poets to study will be sent out for being confrontational.
end of Part 1, stay tuned for Part 2: The Electives!
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