Why Teach? A Somewhat Brief Overview of How and Why I Became a Teacher

For my whole adult life, I have worked in schools; first as a high school teacher and for the past 10 years, as a counsellor. In fact, since the age of 2, I have been in school. And, while it isn't a heart-pumping thrill-ride each and everyday, I love what I do and consider myself so fortunate to wake up and actually look forward to going to work and that I leave each evening feeling like I made a difference and have had an impact on the lives of the youth I work with.

Recently I was cornered by one of my recent graduates, but to be fair and accurate, I was already near the corner of my office when he entered so it wasn't entirely his fault. Turns out he was looking for some career advice and he wanted to pick my brain, metaphorically speaking of course, or else I would not have been interested in the slightest. Career counselling is one of my favourite aspects of my job and I love helping a student figure out who they are, what their strengths are and what sort of careers would be a good fit. We also, if time permits, try on fake mustaches.

This student was considering becoming a teacher himself and, after a short, but enthusiastic, round of applause, he asked about my story - why I went into education and didn't pursue a more obviously lucrative career like pig farming. The whole thing felt sort of like how a researcher who is interested in how a mouse responds to different stimuli must feel, just on a much larger scale. I paused before replying to make sure it wasn't part of an elaborate prank or that he wasn't asking solely to check the status of my sanity. Then. after attempting to sneak out the back door before remembering that I only had one door to my office which he was not-so-coincidentally blocking, I began to think. I took a few moments to stroke my glorious summer project, my beard, as well as considering the answer to his question, a question I've been asked many times before.

Why teach?

A question that is gloriously simple which, coincidentally, is also how my kindergarten teacher described me to my parents on my final progress report.

A question that is as good as it is short and it's also a question kids used to ask me when I assigned too much homework, only hopefully including a comma in those instances.

A question I'd first been asked all those years ago when I was about to enter the Teacher Education program at UBC in 1994 and many many times since by the bartender at my summer job, my friends becoming doctors or lawyers, my private section squash league teammates, a random passerby dressed as a banana who was being pursued by a pack of other guys dressed as monkeys as well as so many others.

Obviously there is no one correct answer, but before I relaxed too much I reminded myself, there are plenty of wrong answers with my having a God Complex and wanting a daily excuse to hear myself talk being just two of them. And my response, when asked this question, is not solely why I chose to teach, but also why anyone would go down that suspiciously well-lit path in the forest when other paths are also well-lit while also having far better signage. Each time this query arises I feel as if I am having to explain/defend my profession as, unlike in other areas of the world, teachers are just not universally held in high regard by society. The implication always seems to be: why did you settle on teaching?

My answer to my student on that day, which was clearly lacking in eloquence thanks to my genetics, was that I just always knew I wanted to be a teacher. He appeared to be considering backing away slowly or creating a diversion so that he could flee to safety or find higher ground in case of a flood, but instead he stayed partially to ask some follow up questions and partially because he'd paid for parking and felt like getting his money's worth. I liked his moxie and said as much, just not in those words.

In the conversation that followed I told both my rags-to-riches story as well as the infinitely more enjoyable, though less based in reality, riches-to-rags-as-part-of-an-elaborate-hoax-to-find-true-love story that I'm trying to get made into a modern rock opera as I write this. I really wanted to try to help my student figure out if education was the career for him, as it is not for everyone. To help, I'd brought along props and a light snack.

My story all started when I was young boy who was often intentionally mistaken for Little Orphan Annie because of my curly red hair and my propensity for breaking out into song while wearing a red dress. That boy, let's call him Frank just in case the Feds are reading, got up each day and went to school, because that's what little boys named Frank do. When not in school, Frank spent a lot of time in an elaborate dreamworld populated by highly intelligent unicorns who bullied him mercilessly. Frank also was highly proficient at the ancient art of whining.

All joking aside, I loved school from the beginning - the classrooms in all their rectangular and nondescript glory, the hallways full of joyfully poor children's artwork, the bells or buzzers or jazzy saxophone riffs that mark the start and end of everything and the sense of community which I am contractually unable to joke about until the year 2024. 

I distinctly recall being in grade three or four and I was, among other things, quite cute, like a smaller, less disillusioned and more infinitely more adorable version of my present self. It was recess and as we ran after one another, screaming, the conversation on the schoolyard turned, as it invariably does among 9 year olds, to our future careers as we had exhausted all that could be said about more macho topics like cars and sheet metal and the negative impact steroids may one day have on professional sports.

We went around the circle, naming jobs we were dreaming of doing and, maybe this is an indirect critique of my ability to dream big, but I was the odd one who didn't want to be an astronaut or a doctor or a cowboy or a princess. I mean I sort of wanted to be a princess, but only a fictitious one or a cowboy but only the kind that has absolutely nothing to do with cows do to my irrational fear of being recruited to "their" side. I remember telling everyone, especially my somewhat proud and somewhat worried teacher, that I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. Then she made a note using her special long, red, tapped teacher's pen in her book while glancing up at me and shaking her head slowly from side to side.

I'm not sure what initially interested me in teaching. I'm not sure about a lot of things, but I'm attempting to keep this piece focussed. What initially attracted me to the job? The power? The responsibility? The ability to unfairly grade others on a curve? Being referred to as "Mister" or "Sir" or "O Bearded One" with only small amounts of sarcasm? For those wondering, I planned from an early age to one day grow a beard and, if all went well, to go full-Muppet at some point after that. But, I did like the idea of standing up in front of a class of wide-eyed kids with all eyes on me, but I also liked the idea of my sitting in front of a classroom of an empty classroom equipped with multiple containers of thick molasses and vats of feathers, but that is a story for a different day.

I'd be lying to say the power didn't interest me. This will be the last time I lie to you. And the responsibility spoke to me with a thick German accent who turned out to be my imaginary German exchange student, Hector, the entire time. I loved the idea that I alone would be given the immense responsibility to fill these impressionable young minds with ideas and the ability to think critically and to problem solve, just like I had the immense responsibility to fill buckets full of hot, sudsy water each Saturday afternoon for reasons my father refused to reveal.

Some would argue that it was my long-term exposure to teachers from a young age, while others would argue it was my exposure to large amounts of toxic glue, but all I know is that I just always wanted to teach and I often wondered why the trees always appeared to be melting before I remembered the glue. Back in elementary school, I was fortunate to have a number of passionate, caring and fun teachers who directly influenced my career path with only somewhat-obvious brainwashing, while also indirectly influencing my love of chalk. Chalk, I must say, is fabulous and to this day my spare time is often spent going outside and drawing immaculate coastline vistas using nothing but white chalk as my family decided that I wasn't ready for colours yet.

But sure, I spent so much of my formative years eating toast as well as sharing the space in and around teachers and school it left a mark which thankfully didn't leave a scar. The scars you see are from my short-lived desire to erase all of my freckles using extra-coarse sandpaper. I just really loved elementary school and, when no one was watching, I often hugged it. One time I called it "mom". Some may wonder if it was my first love, but that was my Raggedy Ann doll with Raggedy Andy being a close second. I believed that teachers were cool as they knew stuff and used their mouths, and occasionally their eyes, to teach things to us. I loved learning and the feeling in my brain as I learned, which I often described to my parents as being akin to how a garburator works. I'd sit there, in my desk, and multi-task - one part of my brain was actively learning, one part was strategically planning on either training to become a teacher or using my newly obtained powers of ESP and the other part was eating tuna fish straight from the can.

I dreamed of being a teacher and on expanding my caveman-like vocabulary too along the way. I wanted to be one of them; to write "nice try" or "close" or "come see me" on top of someone's paper, to enter the staffroom without feeling anxious or at least feeling less anxious then I did doing it as a kid, to resolve conflicts between students using the silent treatment juxtaposed with barking like a dog, to force others to raise their hands when wanting to talk to me which never worked on the schoolyard and to gain entry to their elusive club where I figured there was lots of hidden perks and free nougat.

And throughout high school and into university, I continued to love school and look up to my teachers mostly due to my lack of height, but also because I appreciated how hard they worked and how much they cared. Despite all of the rain, I never wavered from my future career goal. I got up each morning, brushed my hair into a wonderful afro, carefully made sure not to step on the cat, before feeling guilty and going back and stepping on him and then I continued marching towards my destiny as an educator. Others occasionally scoffed at me and my desire to be in school for the rest of my life, while others claimed they were just clearing their throats and that their proximity to me at the time was merely coincidental.

Though I was occasionally confused as to where I was going in life as evidenced by a glazed-over look not dissimilar to a glazed doughnut, I never really considered any other career. "Was this fate or just evidence of a lack of any real imagination" I was once asked? I spent many summers wondering why it couldn't be both while also liberally applying sunscreen. I mean sure, I had the flash-in-the-pan ideas of being a world-famous NBA broadcaster or a world-famous flamenco dancer or even a world-famous frying pan designer thus making all flashes in pans easier what with the copious amounts of pans on hand, but all roads pointed towards education and I skipped all the way there and I haven't stopped skipping till this day. Literally.

But, while I sat there on my chair, swiveling around slowly and dramatically, I considered the question "Why teach?" and all of the times I have had to explain or justify or fight off a pack of hungry wolves with the answer, which happens much more often that you'd think. Teaching in North America, unlike in many other countries, just isn't held in high regard by society. The age old joke that those who can't do, teach persists no matter how many times I demonstrate my ability to "do" things. So often I've found myself not only explaining my love for the work that I do, but also justifying teaching itself.

I strongly believe that teachers are as important to society as doctors and nurses and only slightly less important than creative writers. It just feels like important work, and as I sat there in front of my student, remembering so many amazing and cathartic experiences along the way - my education degree, student teaching, substitute teaching, my first permanent position, directing plays, my year of exchange teaching, and becoming a counsellor - it took all of my power not to weep. I always try, by the way, to weep outside in the rain.

As we continued to chat, I thought about my own path towards teaching and also about what continues to motivate me today, after over 20 years in education, to keep getting out of bed in the morning and head off towards school. My student wondered aloud if I ever found the job and the routines boring, while also wondering numerous other things that I was able to pick up on what with my natural telepathic abilities. Again, the answer is quite simple; I just really enjoy working with students and helping guide them. I feel that the job is a true higher calling which initially made me quite concerned what with my debilitating fear of heights.

Sure there is repetition, and some days are monotonous and mundane. Other days are a tad dry and uneventful. Still others are tedious and dull. And let's not forget about those days that are unvaried and unstimulating. It is just a fact that not every moment of every day is exciting, but that is true about all professions. But, the good moments and days heavily outweigh the bad or boring. Sure, I sometimes look out the window of my office like a trapped-inside-puppy dog and briefly flirt with the idea of becoming an accountant or an accountant's brazen, no-holds-barred assistant, before I come back to Earth and snap out of it. Thank you mom, for the travel set of smelling salts!

Though I've been at this for a while, and there is an occasional feeling like I've seen and done it all, what prevents it from becoming stale for me are the students. Each group of students is unique and they come with their own challenges and original personalities and I love getting to know them all as people. I see working with a new group of students sort of like doing a similar yet new puzzle with a similar yet different answer to the last puzzle I did. As one group leaves, I miss them and bemoan that my work will never be as enjoyable, and then the new, young and exciting group comes in and I get hooked once again. I honesty care about helping them all and that is something you can't fake or grow tired of, unlike that week when I attempted to convince my friends that I was a part man part frog which got old really fast.

And my colleagues. Too many to mention now and even if I could it would really negatively effect this piece of writing to the point where I'd just abandon it and go for a walk. Going for a walk every once and a while is great exercise by the way - give it try. Anyways, I have really been so fortunate to work with so many passionate and enthusiastic teachers in my 20+ years, who have greatly added to my overall love of my work. Sure, I have also seen with my own two eyes, aided by thick, constantly-smudged glasses, a small number of people who were ill-fitted for the profession. Teachers who didn't inherently like students and seemed to be in the job purely for the vacations or those were bored by their subject material and taught on auto-pilot or ones who just seemed unhappy and cranky all the time. But, these types of educators are few and far between, sort of like random, but pointy, thorns in the strawberry patch that is education. As I spoke to my student, I took a minute and imagined I had a big bowl of strawberries and whipped cream in front of me right now and I exaggeratedly licked my lips which was one of my bad habits along with stupidly fondling thorns.

The focus from my friends in the private sector when the topic of public education is brought up is often on the bad apples, the teachers who aren't that good. They argue that teachers are glorified babysitters who have it so easy with too much vacation time who leave at the bell and don't work hard. I always find that line of reasoning so offensive as it is so far from the truth. Sure there are a few bad apples, but I always say to them find me a profession where there aren't any including, but not limited to, apple farmers as some of those farmers are totally mailing it in. For the most part, the schools I have worked in have a staff that really cares and that is clear as soon as you take a few steps inside the building. After that I usually take a few more steps, followed by a short break to stretch my hamstring and then I resume stepping until I find a place to sit down.

And the pay is sufficient, at least for my current lifestyle. Sacrifices have had to be made along the way. I mean I won't be holding any champagne and caviar parties anytime soon unless it is BYOCandC, and then I'm all in. But I'm doing better than okay what with my full head of hair and new sneakers and set of shirts and sweater tops that don't scream "80s!" To be clear, I definitely wouldn't turn down more money if someone was in the mood to pay me more, unless it was hush money as I staunchly refuse to hush unless I have some sort of diagnosed throat ailment or if they sweeten the deal as I have a sweet tooth or, more accurately, a mouth full of sweet teeth.

So, to the question "why teach?" I told him, the answer is because deep down inside you love working with youth. It definitely isn't for everyone and it has to be much more than loving the hours and the holiday time. There will be plenty of days when you are tired or stressed or don't feel like going to work for a variety of reasons, but once you are there, you'll find yourself rising to the occasion because you just care, a whole awful lot. If that describes you, I finished, then yes, teach. But not everyone is as lucky as just knowing like I was. Not everyone has taken such a straight path towards education. So, volunteer at a school or community centre or youth group. Tutor or coach or mentor. See how it feels. You'll know. It will either fit like a boot or it won't and remember as my preschool teacher always said "never wear boots that don't fit".

I watched him leave just wishing I could be the one doing the leaving at some point in the future. I'm not sure if my student will pursue teaching and I'm not sure if he found our chat illuminating or helpful or coherent. But I enjoyed the chance to take a trip down memory lane and to reflect on my journey. I have some days when I daydream about "what if" I had gone a different route in life and whether I'd be even happier or more satisfied or at least write using fewer travel metaphors. Impossible to say, but what I do know, is that I am fortunate to be where I am at this approximate midpoint in my career. I experience satisfaction, fulfillment, reward, and accomplishment each day and I'm just so lucky to enjoy what I do. I just hope my student is able to find the same for himself, either in education, or wherever his path takes him.

Course Planning Guide: Part 2 The Electives

And here are the electives courses, please refer to Part 1 for the Academic course descriptions

Home Economics Classes

Cooking- If you jumped to the assumption that this course involved actual cooking, you would be wrong. It used to be a course where students would learn to cook, but last summer this aging, hippie of a teacher decided to rid himself of all of worldly possessions, including all of the ovens and stoves in his cooking classroom (even though, as he found out after the fact, that they weren't actually his to sell). Before, classes would make chicken pot pies, spaghetti and meat sauce and cookies, and now much of the class is spent sitting in a circle on the floor, listening to the teacher sing songs from the '60s accompanied by his banjo. In breaks between songs, the students will be entertained by colourful stories of his renegade, stick-it-to-the-man cooking past which are all tied together by his passionate anti-war/pro-love philosophy. It is this teacher's hope, that by the end of the course, that although students will not have actually cooked anything, they will have gained a true understanding of the philosophy, beauty and social implications of cooking.  

Sewing - In this class, students will learn to make shirts, dresses, pants, socks and hats. The teacher is an extreme task-master and deadlines are announced early and never extended. Students will learn to sew and will have the cuts and scars to remind them of all of their hard work. It is realized after the fact, that the course also acts as an inexpensive method for the teacher to update their wardrobe. 

Family studies - Family makes up the core of our existence and, by the end of this course, students will learn all about families: how to make them (through a series of informational and low budget videos), how to maintain them (through a series of emotional and intentionally awkward role-playing activities) and how to escape from them (through a gripping multimedia presentation from the teacher showing how she got brainwashed as a young teen and joined a local cult who had her commit  a number of low-level crimes and misdemeanors and perform increasingly stranger and weirder animalistic rituals until she finally had had enough after being asked to trim the leader's beard while also feeding him peeled grapes and she escaped at midnight posing as a door-to-door encyclopedia salesperson). All different types of families are studied: conjugal, avuncular, matrifocal, extended and blended (with a small amount of time watching "Three Men and a Baby" and discussing the pros and cons to this type of family). Lots of time is spent discussing the value and advantages of each and at the end of the course, students will write a final paper where they must argue vehemently which type of family is the best. Bonus points are given to any student who starts their own family during the running of the course.

Career and personal planning- In this course, students will learn to plan their futures. While not anyone's favourite course, the teacher adeptly provides the students all the motivation they need by recounting all of the mistakes, errors and psychological pain he encountered as a result of not planning ahead. This course has a 100% completion rate as all students attempt to avoid being anything like their teacher.

Technology Education Classes

Woodwork- During the first class the teacher shares the truth behind where wood actually comes from. This harrowing tale of courage, valor and bark is meant to have students see wood in a different light and to give it the treatment it deserves. Unfortunately, the story is so obviously made up and borrows VERY heavily from the movie Lion King (he just replaced all of the lions with pieces of wood) that it doesn't quite work the way he intended. During the second class, the teacher lays down the ground rules of safety and behaviour, with extra-emphasis on students never euphemistically referring to male genitalia as wood as it is highly juvenile, creates unnecessary confusion and could lead to bad accidents. "Any other body part can be compared to or called wood," he says every year "knock yourself out!" which is followed by at least one gullible student actually knocking themselves out resulting in much hilarity for all, once they come to. The rest of the course is spent making life-sized wooden models of mythological beasts for Mother's Day and ornate wooden bowls with hidden splinters for Father's Day, because his mother loved mythological beasts and he hated his father who loved his collection of bowls so much.

Metalwork- Students are taught to create stunningly beautiful pieces of metal art from metal scraps found literally in a junk yard. The works of metal art are then appreciated for a week before being dismantled back into random scraps of metal and returned to where it was found.. Caution - the trip to the junk yard is dangerous! There are a lot of sharp edges  -don't get cut! There are small rats and other small rodents - don't get bit! And make sure you stay with your partner, we don't want to leave anyone behind, as they may become one of those strange, runaway metal folk who haunt the junk yard. (Note from the office staff - we wanted to heavily edit this write-up, but the principal decided to leave it as it may attract more students to take the course.)

Mechanics - In term 1, each student is given a large box with all of the pieces of a car in it and the first to correctly assemble the pieces into an actual car gets an A and automatically gets to go open their own mechanics shop and bypass the rest of this course and school. Everyone else gets a C and gets to take pictures of the student next to their car so they can take this picture home and throw darts at it while they cry over their C. In term 2, each student is given a large box with all of the pieces of a car except one and the first student to correctly name the missing part, what it does and what bad things would happen to a driver who "accidentally" ate that part gets an A and gets to automatically work for (and clean up after) the student who opened the shop from term 1; everyone else gets a C and is allowed to mentally hurl and impale the successful student with the missing part. In term 3, the remaining students are taught the following topics "Wheels: why they are better triangular, but more aesthetically pleasing when round", "Car Washing: how to use this to get ahead in our modern world" and "Why everything looks so different from the passenger seat".

Electronics- Students are given the option of learning the most up-to-date electrical codes for houses and how to become filthy rich once gaining this knowledge, learning how to take a computer apart and put it back together and then learning how to do this again but only this time really really slowly, making a robot that can perform basic household tasks all-the-while spitting out an endless stream of sarcastic remarks about your own laziness, or sorting a massive box of discarded used wires into piles of separate colours for purposes that are never revealed (the teacher will say with a gleam in his eye "it's better you don't know"). A final project is learning how to not smile even when your best friend is semi-electrocuted as it is just really bad form, it gives you one less person to mooch off and it is almost definitely horrible for your karma.

Graphics- In this course, students will learn why one graphic design is "fresh and new" and another makes you want to "gouge your eyes out" and how these two extremes seem to flip flop every five years or so. Students are encouraged to find their own unique style but are given low grades if they use too much brown. Students will progress from basic image manipulation and placement in the early part of the course to an aggressive and coordinated advertising campaign featuring vivid, colourful and sleek posters with multiple subliminal messages, hidden objects and cute emojis. Students will be able to inquire as to what the ad campaign is for and the teacher will try, and ultimately fail, to explain via  her own series of colourful sleek posters.

Business & Computer Courses

Web Design- As students enter the classroom on the first day, they are greeted by the following question on the whiteboard "Have you ever wanted to design your own website?" Students answering "no" or "not sure" or "I guess" are given the slow computers that crash constantly and are kept in class until the teacher finishes his World of Warcraft game. Students answering "yes" get the rest of the day off. On day two, students enter the classroom greeted by the same question, only this time it is written in a much larger font. Students answering anything but "yes" are subjected to hours of sitting in the dark, staring at the flickering screens of their computers until their teacher has perfected his calligraphy homework. On each day for the rest of the year, students enter and are met with larger and more forceful lettering asking the same question, with the affirmative-answering students allowed to leave and the students answering "no" having to endure stranger and harsher experiences often involving, but not limited to, sensory deprivation, beds of nails, especially ticklish feathers and bubble gum. This continues until either all students acquiesce and go enjoy their free time or the teacher can't physically use a larger font for the question (one year, he made super-huge foam letters that completely filled the classroom and students couldn't even enter through the door and even if they could, the letters were so large and somewhat randomly placed that the question, though ingrained in their brains at that point, was no longer readable). Once all students have agreed that, in the class called Web Design, that they all do, in fact, want to design webpages do they actually get to learn how to do so, and they will learn so much if the teacher answers his daily question "Do you really want to teach these students to design their own website?" with a yes.

Accounting- In this comprehensive course, students will learn why cash flow is usually good and accrued liabilities are usually not, why cooking the books is better than fudging the numbers, and how to dress for an audit. Students will pair up and role play trying to use "bottom line", "surplus", "asset" and "liquid" in as many ways as possible all the while keeping a straight face. Students will also learn why it is rarely okay for accountants to break down and cry in front of their bosses or clients except if presented with valuable stock options.

Marketing- In this practical course, students will learn basic marketing skills needed to operate the school store. This enthusiastic teacher has even gone as far as writing her own textbook, if you can call an entire book of cartoons a textbook and she can, so it is! The book features chapters entitled (1) Let's Make Taking Inventory Fun (or at least more fun then before)!, (2) You Call That A Profit?!?!? I'll Show You a Profit!, (3) How To Run Your Store So it Doesn't Run You (unless you want it to and then flip to chapter 25), (4) One Secret That Will Help You Sell Anything (and a few more if that one doesn't work) and (5) How To Kill (an expression) Your Competition and Run (an expression) Them Out of Business (not an expression) and Give Them Jobs You Wouldn't Give to Your Dog (might be an expression, won't be sure until I get a dog and try to train it to do menial tasks at my store  -stay tuned for the future editions). The highlight of this class is the final party where everyone gets to throw around copious amounts monopoly money and pretend to light imitation cigars while drinking fizzy apple juice in plastic champagne flutes.

Drafting- Very few people know what drafting actually is (believe me, we looked) and, unfortunately for our school, the one person who did went a little...how do we say this respectfully?...crazy (that wasn't it) and is not currently able to work. While we await his return, this newly completely self-directed class will be covered by our first aid-attendant, so at least if someone gets hurt using any of the sharp drafting tools or accessories, they will be well looked after. Any actual drafting projects that get completed will be purely coincidental and will have to remain ungraded as none of us have any clue what is going on.

Physical Education Classes

Physical Education- Students will be graded on attendance, effort and the volume and intensity of their grunting as well as their performance and progress in the sport skills they are taught. In term one, students will run, play volleyball, run, play soccer and run. If the class is well behaved, they will be introduced to a highly secretive volleyball/soccer hybrid that the teacher invented late at night after drinking a whole lot of coffee and inhaling the contents of three entire canisters of whipped cream. In term two, students will continue to run a lot, mostly by doing laps on the oval track, but occasionally in a complex, highly-regimented zigzag pattern that would look awesome if seen from above. When not running, they are not. And they are also playing basketball, swimming and learning squash. The teacher is a squash fanatic and after multiple failed attempts to share his love of squash, has been known to amp the ball machine up to it's highest speed and fire squash balls at his students as a last ditch, bruise-inducing effort to get them to love this graceful and beautiful game. Finally, in term three the students are expected just to start running almost as if it is a sixth sense. The teacher believes by now, after months of running on his command, that they should just know when he would like them to run and where he wants them to run to. Surprisingly most students are in tune with their teacher and those that aren't have to do push ups, but not just any old push ups, they must do push ups while running - a VERY challenging task! Students will also play tennis, ultimate frisbee and golf.  The teacher doesn't quite buy that frisbee is an actual sport to be taken seriously so he brings in a team of dogs from the local animal shelter for the students to play against, and adopt if they chose to. Bonus marks are given to any student who teaches a dog to throw a frisbee. On the final day of class, the students will be locked in the gym with a single ball and are given the simple instruction "win" - those that win will pass the course and those that don't will be forced to run some more.

Yoga- In this course students will learn to breathe and stretch and why no one should ever do one with out the other. Students will be quizzed daily on the English translations for the Sanskrit names of the poses they are learning with extra marks being given to students who actually learn Sanskrit. Poses learned will include The Sun Salutation (including a contingency plan for days when it is overcast), The Warrior Series (as well as the lesser known Coward and Draft Dodger series), Standing Bow (as well as both Floor Bow, Kneeling Bow and Broken Bow after years of archery practice only gained you a 9th place in the competition), Half Moon (students will NOT be allowed to attempt to demonstrate any posture called Full Moon in this class), Standing Head to Knee (and for the more advanced Standing Body Part X to Body Part Y with bonus marks being given for creativity and difficulty - please do not suggest Hand to Butt, or Finger to Inside of Nose as those jokes are tired and old), and Dead Body Pose (we will end all classes with this pose - PLEASE make sure you do not do this pose too well, as one student spent the entire weekend in the classroom as the teacher and custodian both mistook the still student for a mannequin).

Strength and Conditioning- In this course, students will lift weights, get buff and either need to buy new t-shirts or make all of their old t-shirts look like they were purchased at Gap For Kids. Students will learn how to curl their biceps to the beat of European Death Metal, bench press impressively weighty barbells while enduring self-doubt inducing slogans and blasting their core only after attempting to baste, bless and act blase about it first to varying degrees of success. All body parts will be worked with the focus being on those that can either help in a future rescue situations or look good when someone just happens to have some extra baby oil lying around. Students will be first introduced to high-intensity interval training, followed by medium-intensity interval training, followed by low-intensity interval training, followed by hanging out in the park looking for four-leaf clovers (although some students will do this in a fairly intense matter). And, just to clear things up - there is no actual conditioning of hair in this course, despite how "misleading" some students claim the title is. The conditioning is primarily for your body and secondly for your mind. If anything else is conditioned consider it a bonus.

Note: There will be a long-term teacher on call in for this class for the first term due to injuries and burns as a result of an unfortunate flying-a-kite-in-a-lightening-storm activity that was caused by the teacher either mishearing his wife or being far too literal or both. For some reason, the school board has placed a retired ballet teacher in his place, so, suffice it to say, the class may be slightly different, and students will most likely be considerably more graceful, than usual. 

Fine Arts Classes

Art- Students will learn to appreciate great works of art and understand why some pieces of art should be appreciated and hung in the most famous museums in the world while others deserve to be laughed at and/or egged. In term one, the class will be introduced to painting with colours and why art with colours is always more exciting and appropriate than black and white pictures unless you are aiming for something "moody" or "artistic" or "German". Students will only be allowed to use one colour each week as the teacher feels that limitless colours only leads to chaos and epilepsy. In term two, students will learn about shading and perspective and how, if used properly, they can give your drawings the illusion of three dimensions and how, an accidentally spilled cup of water can reduce three dimensions down to one in seconds. Note: students who lack perspective in their regular life, will find drawing with perspective next to impossible. Finally, in term three, students will work with clay and either create a bowl, a series of intricate and historically accurate Roman warrior figurines, or, for those less-skilled, something more abstract that may or may not be either a bowl, a warrior or both. Male students' final grades will be determined in equal parts on their portfolio, the shape, style and length of their mustache and groveling. Female students' final grades will be determined in equal parts on their portfolio, their choice of beret and level of pretentiousness (any mustaches grown by female students will be taken into account as well.)

Acting-  Day 1: each student has a character randomly assigned to them. Since this teacher is an extreme follower of method acting, where students are intended to live their part off stage and do as they would do, from the second you walk into this classroom until the day you finish in June, you will be on stage and in character all day long - no exceptions! Students are expected to always be in character, even if it results in serious reprimanding at home, actions that lead to failure in other classes and being seen as a social deviant and/or recluse and/or butterfly by those who used to hold you in high regard (the only exception to the method acting rule is when a student is presented with a piece of scrumptious BBQ chicken - everyone loves chicken, regardless of what their character would be hungry for - and everyone must eat it whenever it is served no exceptions!). Each year the class will perform a play in the late spring, and how this is unique is that the play writes itself as the students, in character, interact with each other inside and outside of class while the teacher, playing God if you will, injects overly dramatic situations, moments of high comedy and an almost never-ending stream of social misunderstandings.  The play is always spectacular and the actors are always greeted like returning Davids after felling Goliaths (though the audience members must spent weeks preparing their praise in Hebrew and Aramaic). On the final day of class, students are able to be themselves again and everyone just sits in various random spots in the classroom in awkward silence.

Dance- In this class, students will be exposed to the wonderful world of dance in all of its varieties. Some of the dances that will be taught next year are: ballet, the "Robot, who is badly in need of some new updates or programming troubleshooting", the Waltz, the "I've got something alive in my shirt and I have no freakin' clue what it could be!!! Oh, it was some pizza!" dance, the Flamenco and the "Oh no, I don't dance. No really, I don't dance. Look! How many times and ways must I tell you, I don't dance! Leave me alone!" dance. For the most part this teacher gravitates towards "happier" dance numbers and anything not totally upbeat usually leaves her in tears, although students will at least be initially unsure if these are tears of joy or pain until the wailing begins. Students will learn to dance with focus, so much so that they will often appear to uneducated outsiders that they are in some sort of trance or that they are under some sort of remote brain control, but this is easily forgotten as the dance is just that good. If you sign up for dance expect to work hard and be free to rehearse hours after school. There is a letter of commitment that must be signed and returned by the end of the first week of classes that in no way is legally-binding or grounds for dismissal from the school or putting the student at risk of a criminal lawsuit, but is intended to give the impression that it is.

Band- The year will start with students selecting an instrument. This instrument will become part of you and you won't feel complete with out it. The teacher will discuss the fine line between healthy and scary attachment levels to your instrument and you are expected to constantly toe that line. Students will learn about octaves (including the secret 10 note octave that is a thing of lore), keys (why the best songs always have tons of sharp notes in them), tempo (never make it too fast or else audience members may throw up) and why the best musicians were equal parts lovers, meat-eaters and struggling with borderline personality disorders. The band will learn the Jazz standards as well as experiment with New jazz that involves tons of avant-garde improvisation and growling. Students are strongly encouraged to lose themselves in their work and reach a point of true expression. One of the numbers learned last year was originally intended to be 4 minutes long and ended up close to 3 hours in length mostly as the drummer grew infatuated with the sound his symbol made when he allowed his afro to brush against it and the sax players tried to hijack the song by playing until everyone else just decided to go to the cafeteria for lunch. Unlike more typical bands that remain stationary aside from standing during predictable solos, this band roams the stage as they perform, starring down the audience almost as if they had been challenged to a duel or had possibly dropped their cellphones somewhere on the auditorium floor. There is lots of high-fiving, camaraderie, in-jokes and whoopie cushions among the band members which result in the audience feeling either very left-out and ostracized or hungry. But, anyone can join - no experience is necessary! Come join us in the band!

Choir- If you love singing this is the place for you! We will sing...a lot. In fact, we will only sing, all the time, every class. That's right, only singing. "Why?" some students will ask and they will only receive the answer "freedom" if they sang their question and even then the answer will only serve to confuse matters more. Aside from singing in class, the choir will perform at assemblies and in competitions. In an effort to stand out in, this choir only performs songs in extinct or animal languages. Highlights from previous years was the touching Crimean Gothic song about death and loss (we think - no real idea what they were singing about, and we suspect that some of them didn't either as a few of them were smiling the whole time), the musical comedy number performed in dolphin (by the girls) and whale (by the boys) and the song in Latin about the rapidly encroaching extinction of Latin (historical and linguistic liberties were taken in the writing of this song that shocked and insulted the professor of Latin who just randomly happened to be in the audience). As the performance neared it's end, Latin became extinct and the choir was rendered mute and were only able to express themselves through a series of odd clicks and hand gestures that seemed somewhat offensive, but all-the-while heart-wrenchingly beautiful. The more the merrier in the choir - it is a lot of fun, aside from the harsh and almost constant judging.

And there you go grade 12s! What a comprehensive list of courses. Remember, chose wisely and consider all of your options. Have a great summer and see you next year!

Course Planning Guide: Part 1 Academic Courses

Welcome to course planning for 2014-2015 grade 12 students! This guide is the result of a lot of hard work and planning by the staff at our school and should provide you a useful reference when selecting your courses for the upcoming grade 12 year - the most important year of your school career. You will have to incorporate graduation requirements, post-secondary admissions and your personal interests in choosing your 8 classes. It is important to consider all of your options as there are so many compelling and fun courses to select from. We know you are excited about next year and graduation and the future- it is only a little over a year away - read this booklet carefully, ask your teachers and counsellor lots of questions and talk about your plans with your family. Have fun planning!

Math Classes

Pre-Calculus - This comprehensive class includes the following topics

Algebra - A significant amount of time is spent discussing what to do with the illusive 'x' when it is finally found - does it deserve a celebratory party or a bit of talking to? Sample test questions include "Where is a variable when you need it most?" and "Which of the following are constants? (a) 2, (b) your impending demise, (c) the cat scratching at your door while you sleep, (d) there are no constants in life as everything we know and love is fleeting". The teacher is particularly fond of solving equations and prefers them then regular daily interactions with quote unquote humans. Reminder that 20% of the final grade for this unit is based on an essay on the topic of (a) the political ramifications of using inequalities to reach a long-lasting peace or (b) are algebra tiles the work of the devil?

Geometry- This unit deals with shapes, shapes and more shapes. Students are taught to fight the temptation to only study the more "popular" shapes like triangles and squares and to think outside the box (note: this class actually takes place inside a large cardboard box). For the second month of this unit, the class will be divided in half and will debate 2-dimensional shapes vs. 3 dimensional shapes (the 3-dimensional side has their work cut out for them as the teacher is quite biased, feeling that three-dimensional shapes are invading our domain and that they should have just stuck to 2-dimensions as was intended by our creator). Students will also learn why historically the "rounder" shapes have all the fun and why adding extra sides and angles may initially seem like a great idea but eventually only leads towards mass hysteria and an early curfew.

Trigonometry - Didn't you always want to know how tall that tall tree in the park is? No? Well, how about having the ability to calculate the distance between two ships that have travelled different distances and directions? Really? I bet you've always wanted to know how much higher a taller building is than the shorter one in front of it if you know the angles you are looking at the top of each building with? Fine then! This section of the course is meaningless for you! Bonus marks will be given to any student who creates and performs a rap about trigonometry as long as they can avoid misogynistic language and lyrics glorifying the use of drugs (feel free to be as racist as you'd like as we all know how hard it would be to talk about trigonometry without going there).

Probability- The teacher will spend the entire first week with her back to the class rolling a single die crying (believe us, we know the teacher and can predict these things). The teacher will spend the entire second week of the class shuffling a deck of cards until her hands bleed. The teacher will spend the entire third week of the class, dressed as a happy circus clown, cackling and dancing and flipping a coin while prancing around the room. It should be clear, by the end of this course, why games of chance and any attempts to apply probability to your leisure activities should be avoided at all costs unless of course you win, then by all means go for it! Also, students will understand why a 40% chance of rain almost always results in rain and that instead of 40% having any connection at all to probability it is more of a "premonition" the meteorologist "came to" after a night of losing at poker, heavy drinking, and chain-smoking Cuban cigars. All students will be required to play the stock market aggressively until they go bankrupt as part of a class project on the merits of using probability to make a living.

AP Calculus - Welcome to one hell of a hard class! Like, wow - this is some hard stuff and you should pat yourself on the back for even entertaining the idea of studying this version of math that makes all other types of math look like collecting dolls. On the first day of class the teacher will introduce counting, first by 1s, then by 2s, then back to 1s again. On day 2, the class will spend time on complicated differential equations, focusing mostly on ones that are overly complex and have the least amount of practical applications, and then on day 3 back to counting again. The rest of the year is spent investigating why the most nerdy of the mathematicians end up attracting the most stunning models and why many people believe that calculus was created so that only a small portion of the population would be able to order takeout from that really good Chinese place on 5th. Prerequisites: An A in Calculus, permission from the instructor or some combination of the two. Note: the use of comically large pencils and comically small erasers is a plus - just large pencils and small erasers with out the comical aspect will get you nowhere.

Apprenticeship and Workplace Math - This course will teach you all about math you need in a variety of common workplaces: sinking submarines, burning buildings or buildings that just happen to be filled with a whole lot of chain-smokers, trapeze swings and bakeries that feature delectable cupcakes. Everyone must both literally and figuratively embrace fractions and their low-class cousin from the burbs, decimals, or else we are going to have a bit of a problem. Much time is spent on percentages, their role in the Iran Contra Affair and how the symbol is easily the most fun to share with others in social settings. Students should be aware that each month a different student is selected at random and "voted" off the classroom and can only return after either completing updating their wardrobe or taking a selfie high-fiving the principal (next to impossible as she is VERY out-of-touch with technology and thinks that everyone using a cell phone is practicing some rare form of witchcraft.)

Science Classes

Biology - In this course both plants and animals are studied (and the teacher is open to studying half-plant, half-animal beings if the class has an interest as well). The teacher is a real plant-enthusiast and try as he might, he just can't help comparing and contrasting humans and plants and coming to the non-empirically proven hypothesis that plants are far superior aside from their inability to walk. This leads naturally into an optional unit where the teacher reads from an in-the-works novel he is writing on where a species of walking-plants enslave us all and go on to do a much better job as the caretakers of the planet, aside from creating impossible-to-listen-to club music. The class will most likely enjoy this book aside from the ending where the people and plants become friends and decide to start a new civilization as equals mostly because it seems forced and cliche. Note: students will be doing a lot of dissecting in this class. Like a lot. If it moves, or once moved or is even thinking about moving, it will be dissected. At other schools, they dissect a frog; well, we not only dissect the frog, but make a restaurant-quality dish out of the innards. In some biology classes at other schools they dissect a cow's eye; well at our school we do 5 per day every day often with one arm tied behind our back (we used to do much with one arm behind our back in our school as a result of our first headmaster back in the 1880s losing an arm to a crocodile, who was then dissected).

Chemistry - "Chemistry is everywhere" the students will learn and will be asked to provide a comprehensive list of exactly where and when by the end of term 1 to receive a passing grade. In second term, this ex-theatre teacher has the class dress up as their favorite atoms and try bonding together (a popular and highly controversial unit that is only begrudgingly accepted by the administration and parents due to the high number of students asking for chemistry sets for birthday presents and the very low percentage of pregnant students compared to the national average). The current version of this unit is WAY toned down from its original form in the 60s, as that would just be too risque. Students will not be late and, if they are they need to get a glass of water for the teacher from scratch (the water and the glass). If much of the class is failing at the mid-term break, as is anticipated due to a nonsensical and seemingly random marking scheme, the punishment is that the class has to work solely with unbalanced equations just so they know how they feel and will not be allowed to balance them unless they can come up with a really funny and original chemistry joke. An entire term will be wasted studying the wrong kinds of moles, although the students are now fully-equipped in case of unwanted facial growths or new holes that appear in their backyards. By the end of the course, students will be well-versed in all things ionic and will have gained a new appreciation for equilibrium and all of the good times that naturally come along with it.

Physics - In the past, this senior class has been in the running for "The Most Unnecessarily Difficult Course" title until the new ex-Eastern mystic teacher came in and revamped (read "slowed way the heck down") physics education a few years ago. This teacher does not believe in mixing physics with math in any way constantly and annoyingly using the analogy of olive oil and vinegar not mixing and constantly and annoyingly ignoring students who bring in a wonderfully delicious array of spectacular vinaigrettes to prove her wrong. The class will work on a long experiment that involves rolling increasingly larger and larger spheres down increasingly longer and longer planks at increasingly greater and greater degrees of inclination (don't bring your own ball or plank or suggest your own degree of inclination - the teacher will freak out and hurl anti-Einsteinian epitaphs at you intermixed with The Bhagavad Gita just to calm down). The point of this experiment will remain unclear months after the class is over and students will feel like the teacher just has a thing for balls and ramps.

Geology - This classroom is entirely filled with rocks. Literally. After a few weeks when the initial thrill and shock have worn off, the students realize there is no teacher or books or anything resembling desks. Just a pile of rocks. And not an attractive rock among them. Just a whole lot of ugly ugly rocks. Not surprisingly, this is a popular class. Left to their own devices, classes in the past have either (a) chosen to treat a particularly large rock as the teacher, mostly in their misplaced need for some, any, father figure, (b) sorted the rocks into piles by size, colour, personality and value on the open market and (c) created a Lord of the Flies-type civilization run by kids living among the rocks complete with a marketplace, a one-room rock schoolhouse and a series of monolithic rocks representing a new group of heathen deities. In the average year students actually leave this course knowing less about geology then before and the school has graduated an endless stream of hard-working, enthusiastic and incredibly weak geologists.

Social Science Classes

Law - The first day of this course, students are given an opening lecture on the following topics: "Do you realize how much fun people used to have before laws?", "How to obey the law and look really good while doing so", "If you have to choose between feeding your starving family and breaking a series of old, antiquated, senseless laws how to either develop a new, stronger moral compass or find a new family on a Russian brides website" and "Taking the law into your own hands in 5 simple, easy steps". The rest of this course is spent memorizing the criminal code of Canada word-by-word. There are no lectures, tests, assignments or projects. Instead, day after day and class after class, the students file in, sit down and take out their copies of the code and read. The final exam, worth 100% of the course, is notoriously difficult. Each student is arrested and charged based upon a rare and complicated law and is held in prison without bail until their court date when they are forced to defend themselves using their knowledge they gained throughout the year while reading the criminal code. The pro is that students really learn the law which will help them throughout their lives, the con is that a few classmates have to do 5 to 10 in the local prison where they will utilize their muscles gained from lugging around the weighty criminal code book all year  -plus you never know when knowing how to make a licence plate will come in handy in the future.

History - In this course, students will learn all about the horrifying, tragic and stupid mistakes of history and will spend much time laughing, because, as the teacher always says "if we are doomed to repeat history, we may as well have a good time while we are waiting". This teacher also loves to tell stories and they often go on and on and always go off on weird tangents. One time he was telling the class a story about the rise of nationalism in Italy in the late 19th century and somehow ended talking about his new iPhone. Another time he was discussing the relationship between China and Japan and ended up offending those students who were big J-Lo fans. One other time on a Friday afternoon, he had the class so entranced that they thought the final bell was some sort of air siren warning them of the impending Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour that they spent the entire weekend huddled in fear under their desks. The teacher is also a big fan of learning by doing and often spends the entire second term having the class take place in historical re-enactments. This year, the class will be learning about the Crusades and the teacher prays that after months of re-enacting the Crusades a few students may chose to go buy him a coffee and a doughnut with hopefully a lot less death and religious undertones.

Philosophy - The opening week of this class involves learning, briefly, about all of the major ideas from the prominent philosophers in North American and European history through an interactive puppet show. The second week focuses on Asian and South Asian philosophical thinkers. The third week, equipped with information about all famous philosophies, students will do 10 minute presentations on their own personal philosophies and will be expected to be eloquent, convincing and willing to arduously commit themselves to living the rest of their lives according to their particular brand of philosophy. The rest of the course focuses on all of the "crazy" ideas of the teacher which concentrate mostly on the government being either criminally corrupt or better suited as jazz musicians and why philosophy majors are often the most attractive and constantly in high demand at Starbucks. Male students are encouraged to wear glasses and to grow a beard and then to lean back in their chair, look skyward and stroke their beard pensively. Female students are encouraged to also stroke the male student's beards or at least not to twirl their hair nervously as that is definitely "unphilosophical". Students have a choice to either write a comprehensive final exam or write an essay on the topic of "Nature vs Nurture - CHOOSE NOW!"

Psychology - Each week the teacher administers a different battery of tests on the students hoping to either help each student figure out their true personality profile and take one big step towards self-actualization or to see the short-term and long-term effects of psychological testing on adolescences for his paper that is due to be presented at the big conference next summer. Students are also encouraged to figure out what was up with Freud anyways and why so many famous psychologists have really hard names to pronounce. Other topics covered include (a) the difference between seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist or just continuing to talk to yourself in the mirror wearing a series of different hats, (b) the fine line between weird/funny and weird/where is that straight jacket?, and (c) how to psychoanalyze your friends without being detected to either help them or use the information for your own personal gain.

Geography - Throughout this course difficult questions are answered such as "where am I?", "where was I?" and "can you locate Djibouti on the globe?" The differences between physical geography and all other (lesser) varieties of geography are discussed over a series of excellently caterer picnics. The long-term effects of climate on lambs is researched as are the best sauce to serve with lamb during next week's picnic. The third portion of the course covers rare and exciting geographical terms such as deltas, fjords and chinooks mostly through a series of informational videos viewed over a series of amazing lunches. By the end of the class, the students are often confused if this was solely a geography class or more of means for the teacher to advertise and try out new recipes for her food truck.

English Classes

English - In this essential course for all students, the class spends the first two terms celebrating how English is by far the greatest language on earth. There is much revelry, back-patting and war whoops. A really awesome fort is made. The third term involves a massive research assignment looking into the implications for reducing the number of punctuation marks and how to make English more of a romance language especially for those of us who are considered "undateable".

Writing- If you love making up stories, you've come to the right place! You will write many a story in this class and have a chance to clear out all of those "weird" and "scary" ideas out of your head at the same time. Who knows, you may even meet a kindred spirit while doing so. As grammar is so challenging, the class will spend the first month on the comma and it's potential use as a tool during the impending revolution. Students will also learn how to better "advertise" their boring and unoriginal writing by calling it "creative". This writing teacher takes her job very seriously and, as if to prove a point, only communicates through writing. This serves to make even the most basic of conversations slightly awkward and elongated and it also burns through all of the scrap paper the office staff can provide. One goofy student usually attempts to tickle her to see if she laughs aloud or if she just writes the "tee hee hees" on paper. By the end of this course, you will either love writing or extend your vow of silence to include written communication as well.

English Literature- This class will read all of the works of Shakespeare forwards and backwards, literally. Forwards demonstrates the beauty, complexity and symbolic language of The Bard. Backwards is filled with mostly unintelligible language mixed with hidden demonic overtures rife throughout that somehow still demonstrates the amazing poetic prose of Shakespeare as well. Aside from the occasional student who has to be carted off for speaking in tongues, this is a merry class as there is much mead to be drunk, a veritable feast of wild boar to be eaten and the teacher plays a lovely pan flute that only adds to the mood. Any student asking if there are any other authors or poets to study will be sent out for being confrontational.

end of Part 1, stay tuned for Part 2: The Electives!

email number 8 from oz

The final email of my 2003 exchange in Australia.

Well, here I am again.

Before I get into it all - it just wouldn't seem right if this one, the last one, wasn't extremely long. There is so much to say - I won't even bother apologizing for the length. I know you like it.

Hope everyone is doing well. As you are all in the midst of winter, here I am sitting in the beautifully air-conditioned staffroom of my school (I can't imagine what it used to be like inside on 35 degree days before air-con was invented). And, as of this writing, I only have a few days of work left, and then some parties, some cleaning (actually a lot of cleaning) and then I drop my car off, and then up to the airport and I'll be off and up out. But, I am getting ahead of myself  - there are a lot of stories and opinions to share from the past months.

Before I talk about recent stuff, there is one funny story that I forgot about from a long time ago. During the April holidays, I went to Canberra and visited the Parliament. What a spectacular building with a huge grass lawn on the roof and awesome views of the city. I had a small picnic lunch and then packed up my stuff into my knapsack and went in. They checked my bag and the horn thing went off and it sort of freaked me out. It turns out that I had forgotten a butter knife in my lunch stuff. I had to check this item and then get it back in the end. I mean, what harm would I do with a butter knife? I didn't even have any butter with me.

Driving for the year has been easy. Aside from the first few weeks when I had to re-orientate myself to the opposite side of the road and car, it has been a breeze. I am so used to it all, that when I see a TV show or a movie from North America - it looks so weird seeing people on the right side of the road. The one great thing about driving down in the countryside, is it is like a real life video game - especially at night. So, I am driving back from a student's place where I was kindly invited for tea (dinner) at about midnight. And country highways are already a bit narrow and can be windy. You are there, driving along, all relaxed and stuff and then you round a bend and there is a koala sitting in your lane (happens all of the time), you swerve around it and then a kangaroo bounces in front of you. And then there are a few wombats and possibly some rabbits. Then the stupid magpies (birds) swoop out of nowhere in front of you (I’ve had three fly into my car this year). It is a bit scary. Everyone has hit a kangaroo here, and I see at least two dead animals on the side of the road everyday. This morning there was a huge kangaroo on one side and another on the other side, killed overnight as they weren't there last night when I drove home. Very sad, and it makes me wonder how animals can evolve and all of that survival of the fittest stuff and that these species haven't evolved into ones that don't walk in front of these huge shiny things that kill your friends? “Hey remember when Joe got smushed over there last week? Yeah, let’s go this other way instead” Possibly kangaroos are a bit egotistical thinking they are all fast and stuff, and most likely the koalas are ripped on the gum tree leaves, which leaves wombats, foxes and rabbits  -man, they are stupid! Ha ha ha. Just today there was a family of ducks crossing the highway. Ahhh. I stopped. My killing days are over. I joked with the school at the final awards ceremony that they can all come and visit me and we can drive around and kill some Canadian animals like raccoons, skunks, squirrels and moose – it got a big laugh. I’ve killed lots of animals this year, and for that I ask for your forgiveness.

So, as I have already pointed out, I am living in a very small remote area this year, which while being beautiful and peaceful has its drawbacks. It was, and has been, quite a tough acclimation for a city guy like me to get used to. I’m used to the hard streets of Vancouver. Honestly, as much fun as it has been being in Australia (and it has been lots of fun, as you can tell by all of my stories), I am very excited about returning to city life. I have enjoyed the more relaxed nature of the lifestyle and the people down here, but there is very little to do, especially on weekends (that is why I go up to the big city almost every weekend). So, one night in my small country home, I was starting to make dinner. I cut up my veggies, got out my fish, and was already to start cooking, but I had to no gas. The gas cylinders on the outside of the house seemed full-ish, but I couldn't tell and I didn't want to fiddle around with all of the valves as I might explode everything if I did the wrong thing. And, everything that serves prepared food (like take away stands  -they call it "take away" instead of "take out" here) closed at 6pm and it was 7pm. It would take 50 minutes of roundtrip driving to get to the nearest store in the next town over, so I was stuck with no gas and I was starving. I ended up having peanut butter sandwiches for dinner, something similar for brekkie the next morning and then finally, my exchange partner's sister called me back and explained what to do with the dials and it was very easy and I felt stupid and then the gas worked. Every once and a while I have an experience like this that reminds me how different life has been this year (like if my water tanks ran out of water, no water would come out of the taps). Makes it fun. Really makes me impressed with the Aboriginees who lived outside year round and had no appliances.

Now, on the subject of the car, selling the car was quite the experience. My car, first off, is an old car. And a classic car – a Holden Commodore, which is the quintessential Aussie car. Now, to sell a used car in the state of Victoria you need to get your car to pass the “Roadworthy” test. This is one tough test to pass – they are extremely picky and you could have a huge bill to pay before selling it, and consequently no one will buy a car that hasn’t passed the test. If it passes then you know you are buying a good car. I originally advertised a price of $1500 in the local paper and said that I had passed the test, although I hadn’t got it done yet, and because the car is very popular I got lots of calls. But, I had my local mechanic look at it for me, and he said that he thought the test would cost at least $600 dollars. Luckily one person said they would give me $1000 for it and get the test done themselves. I drop it off for them on my way to the airport. I got a good deal with that.

Back on the subject of wildlife – I want to really make it clear to people how cool it is to have so much wildlife just around the place. Aside from the dead stuff, I have had koalas in my trees, ‘roos hopping around and even echidnas on the side of the road (ant-eater-ish creatures). The only thing I haven’t seen in the wild are platypus. And the birds are awesome too. Dingos are only up north, as are crocs and I saw some Tasmanian Devils in, of all places, Tasmania. I heard about the famous, almost revered, Tasmanian Tiger which has been extinct for 100 years now. Lots of great birdcalls first thing in the morning used to wake me up, but I am more than used to it now. Actually, a family of birds has made my roof in the back their home. I little cheeps and lots of noise from the porch all of the time.

“What is up with cork hats?” I asked last weekend when I saw a few people walking around with these wide-brim hats with dangling corks hanging from it. I found out that the corks are for keeping flies away from your face. Obviously an advanced technological improvement to the regular hat, which have next to no fly defenses. My next question was let’s say the fly evolves into some sort of super fly and they learn how to avoid the swinging cork  -what will you do next? This question was appropriately ignored. Pretty funny looking hats though.

Some people asked me after the last big email why I hadn’t mentioned the Rugby world cup. Just forgot I guess. It was a very big event. Canada played, as I’m sure some of you know, and they did win a game. I was cheering for New Zealand to win, but it was exciting that the Aussies did so well and that the final was very exciting. I was up in Queensland for a long weekend and since that is a huge rugby state I had no problem finding an awesome pub to watch the game in. The pub was full of British fans and there was lots of playful heckling amongst the patrons of the pub. It was a fun time. I still don’t love the game of rugby, but the final was awesome. Another huge sporting event was the Davis Cup final that was in Melbourne. I listened to it driving up to the city on the radio. Tennis on the radio is not so great. But, it was very exciting watching the final match on TV. The Aussies love their sport and they love winners. Philippoussis is not everyone’s favourite, but after winning the final match he, and the others, were treated like returning war heroes.

Tasmania was beautiful. I took a few days off at the end of October and hired a car and drove around Tassie. You could easily spend two weeks doing the same trip that I did in 4 ½ days. Tasmania was very different from the rest of Oz. Lots of rolling hills with sheep grazing. A few snow peaked mountains, and much colder weather. I landed in Launceston (in the north) and drove to the very picturesque Cradle Mountain national park. There was this big lake and a snowy mountain in the background (sort of an Aussie Lake Louise). And it was freezing! I went from home, where it wasn’t hot, but I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, to this, where it was like Canadian wintertime. Then, the next day I drove down the east coast and stopped in some quaint seaside towns and then got into Hobart that evening. Hobart was a really nice city with an excellent harbour. I had the best fish and chips that I’ve had this year down there. We don’t get Barramundi (I don’t think) in Vancouver, but it is sooooo good (and so is Gummy Flake). The next morning I drove up to Mount Wellington and it was this really hot 26-degree morning and I was driving up this winding road and I thought I saw a flake of snow, but that would be impossible as it was really hot out. And I kept driving up and up and up and I got to the top and not only was it snowing, but it was amazingly cold and windy. I was in my car in shorts and a t-shirt and I saw people scampering back to their cars bundled up beyond belief and all of my warm stuff was in the trunk. I parked the car, burst out and threw on a millions layers (or 3) and went off to see the view. Wow. This was an incredible panoramic view of the city and the harbour and the national parks. We were really high up and it was cool seeing the snow and then the bright sunny skies below. The weather systems were moving through there very quickly. And the clouds were enveloping the top of the mountain, and then moved through and you saw the view again. I then drove to a national park in a place called Huonville and did an amazing treetop walk. Very awesome trees, including the appropriately named “Big Tree” – it didn’t disappoint. But, snow, it was really snow. I just can’t believe that it was snow.

The next day I woke up and went to the botanical gardens, yes they were “Royal”, and then off to the Cadbury factory. Yes! Lots of free chocolate and Cadbury makes some good stuff. Cadbury is an Australia company – I was wrong earlier in the year when I mocked some students for saying that it was, as I reckoned that everything is American. Cadbury/Schewppes is originally British, but now mostly Australian and the Hobart factory was huge and the tour was informative and yummy. And for those who sort of reckon that Hersheys, Nestle and Cadbury are all very similar, we are wrong – Cadbury kicks ass. Hersheys is not so great. My final day in Tasmania I drove down to Port Arthur and got exposed to convict history. Let me just summarize for you – if you were a petty thief in England in the late 1800s/early 1900s, the threat of being sent to Australia and the horrible life of the convicts there, should have been enough to make you stop your thieving ways. The cells were silly small and it would have been a really bad existence. No loaf of bread would have been worth that. And then back to work…

The bass player from Men At Work teaches bass guitar at my school every Tuesday. That’s cool.

Immunization shots suck. Any type of shots, or anything to do with needles, suck. Then, what sucks even more is being afraid of needles. Really afraid. So, choosing to travel to an area of the world where you need to get shots done to go there, is almost, in my way of thinking, almost a good reason to not go to those areas. But, that would be silly. So to the doctor I went and two things (1) shots are damn expensive - $120!, and (2) I don’t know if it is psychosomatic or what, but those shots REALLY hurt (I didn’t faint like I did at school once) and I couldn’t lift my arms above shoulder height for two days. I didn’t cry, but I was crying inside and my shoulders were crying. That is the most pain I had felt in Australia, but that pain was soon to be beaten by…

So, I took a few days off of work (I work hard, and I might not be in Australia again for a long time) and flew up to the Sunshine Coast (just a few hours north of Brisbane in Queensland). The flights were free as Virgin Blue (the domestic Aussie airline) messed up on some flights early in the school year and gave me two free flights. It was awesome. Great beaches, once again and lots of great walks. I took it pretty easy and just lay around and read and swam and ate good food and got the worst sunburn on my back. I am very careful about that sort of thing and use a lot of sunscreen, and had, in 10+ months not got a real burn. Then, one morning I woke up in Noosa Heads, got a boogie board and down to the beach. Lathered up with sunscreen, lay around, read and then went swimming on the boogie board. Came out and then repeated. It was so much fun. Except, that I forgot one thing – when you are on the boogie board, your back is face-up out of the water, almost the entire time and wholly Christ, my back got burnt. I couldn't lie on, or twist, or even put by backpack on. It really sucked. I took a day off of the beach and then went swimming with a shirt on the day after. I also ran into a particularly unfriendly Aussie!?!?!?  So, not every Aussie is friendly. I was on the beach and wanted a photo with me in it and I asked this lady walking on the beach if she would take the photo and she looked at me and kept on walking. And she had her teenage daughter with her. And they were speaking English. How rude! And what sort of message is that for how to treat people to your daughter (unless they were practicing not talking to strangers). It was beautiful up there, but I sort of felt all travelled out. I just sort of feel like I've seen enough beaches, and that in the end a museum is a museum and a walk is a walk – regardless of how nice they are. And I know that once home I will miss all of this stuff, but at some point it is hard to get totally thrilled by another great view (sorry if there are people reading this who feel jealous of me and are hating my blasé-ness). I do love it all and have loved all of the amazing traveling, but at some point you just get a bit tired. The final note on Northern Australia - bug bites, bug bites, bug bites. Damn bugs. I hate them so much. Great weather the whole time though. “Sick” from school for two days and then back on a Monday with coloured skin (no I didn’t show anyone my back) – a bit suspicious…

Now, I understand the whole post 9-11 security thing as much as the next average person. But, why can’t I store my bags at the airport!?!?! Now I understand that they would want to search them and look for anything bad, but then after only finding non-sharp and non-explosive stuff, then what is the problem, especially if they are locked up and I’m the only one to have a key? What’s the problem? I do understand, really, but all I’m saying is that my life would be easier if I could have done that on the way home. 

Played in a few big and fun Frisbee things and they were great. Melbourne hosted the Mixed National Championships and the Melbourne Hat tournament. For those who don’t know, a hat tournament is where they literally make random teams by drawing names out of a hat. Both weekends were full of lots of games, great parties and a chance to hang out with Frisbee people from around the country. I am impressed that in less than a year, I’ve already met so many cool people, and feel like I have started to make some good friends – considering that I only came up to the city once every two weeks and that there were only 6 tournaments in a year. Our team had a disappointing (to say the least) Mixed Nationals – we didn’t win much, but still had a great time. I played awesome the first day (including dominating a game against that weirdo captain guy from earlier in the year who didn’t respect my game – that felt good), and then as the team’s fortunes vanishes, so did my great play. We ended up losing three games by 1 point. Ouch!

But, after leaving the Frisbee fields for the last time on Sunday, it just made me think about how great the ulti community really is. It is such a great sport, in many ways, but mostly the generosity and warmth of the people. It is also just fun and relaxed and there are so many people with wacko senses of humor. And since it is a uni game by origin, it ends up being a pretty intelligent group as well. I didn’t know anyone really when I got here and now, at the end of the year, I know so many people and when the Aussie national team visits Vancouver on their way to Finland next summer, I should have a bunch of friends coming to stay. I’m having two final parties this weekend before I fly away.

Today was the big end of year finale for school – the end of year mass. Now, as I described earlier in the year, mass is long (and I mean lllloooonnnggggg  -even for the true Catholics.) There is lots of standing and saying “and God be with you” and then sitting and listening to long passages, then standing and hearing the choir sing, and then sitting and then standing and so on. And to top it off (this makes NO sense) the students and teachers have to wear full uniform and it was 34 degrees today and the students were NOT allowed to have a drink bottle!?!??! What!?!?!?! Hey, I’ve got a great idea – how about we make them eat salt the whole time too. Or maybe, we should use heaters, instead of fans, maybe light a big fire, possibly throw water on hot coals the whole time? No water?!?!? And the mass and awards made the whole thing 3 hours! Yeah! But, it was an awesome day still. As the days have been drawing to an end, more and more students have been showing their appreciation for me and the excitement of the end of the year and my leaving made for a fast and fun last few weeks. Today, at the awards thing they said all of this great stuff about my contribution to the school and then I went up and made them all laugh with my quick run down of the year. Not only were all of the students there, but lots of parents too. They gave me some awesome framed photos and a nice book. I got lots of great photos too. Then, to wrap it up, I performed “Fight For Your Right To Party” by the Beastie Boys with the school rock band and we were awesome. People were standing and clapping at the end. Then, just before all of the students went home – I had a whole bunch thanking me for an excellent year. It all makes you feel pretty damn special.

So, I keep getting asked how it feels to leave, whether I’ll come back and what I like better Australia or Canada. And these are difficult questions to answer. Plain and simple – home is home. I am very excited to come home. But, I really feel like I’ve lived so much in this one-year and it is sad to leave it behind. People keep asking me if I am sad to leave, and I wasn't really until today when I said goodbye to many people (mostly students) who I may never see again, then I felt sad. Now, I know they are just students  - but my style of teaching has always been a friendly style and even though they are young, they are “friends” at work. Many say they will stay in touch – we’ll have to see  -I hope so, and I’m sure that a small group will. I promised that I would come back and visit – maybe in 2006 when Perth is hosting the World Club Ultimate Frisbee Championships. It is very odd saying goodbye to people you have spent a lot of time with, both at school and in Melbourne and at squash. Unlike leaving Vancouver, when I knew I would see most people again  -and there are a lot of people I really hope to continue to know. In the end – I miss home, I will miss here – which is, I think, the way you’d want it to be. If I didn’t miss home, then that would be depressing as hell to have to go back and if I didn’t miss here, then it would have been a horrible year. Life is about experience and I have experienced so much this year – I would do it again and I hope to a few more years down the road. I am so proud of myself for having finally done this and done it to the fullest. It wasn’t an easy thing to do – going away for a year, to a remote country town where I didn’t know anyone, and leaving everything and everyone I know behind – but not that I have, I have developed a large amount of self-confidence (yes, even more of that), and I have come to even more appreciate things at home. I will 100% come back here someday – and I’ll have a lot of people to visit.

What I won’t miss is the isolation of where I am living (although it is very peaceful and quiet) and I like city life better (although I have come to really appreciate country life this year). I won’t miss the math teaching – that is better at home (I have to yell for quiet at least 5 times a class with my year 7s and 8s – and less than ½ finish their homework and maybe 1/3 study for tests ever). I will miss the fun-ness of the students – great sense of humour, I will miss being the “oddity” for the year, I will miss the laid back nature of everything – it just isn’t that intense here. I miss Vancouver’s restaurants and other options of things to do in the evenings. I will miss the wildlife (seeing kangaroos and koalas on a regular basis still is very exciting), the awesome beaches and the great parks. In a short time, I’ve met so many great people – which will “force” me to stay in touch and “force” me to come back at some point. I would love to do another exchange someday (or find some good reason to be in the Melbourne area for a good period of time again – I have a whole bunch of people who I can stay with now). And I know that there are small nuances and stuff that I won’t notice missing until I’ve been home for a while. I’m sure that I will be thinking about this year and stuff that happened it for the rest of my life. 2003 will always stand out as one incredible year.

I look forward to seeing everyone again in just a few more weeks. I hope that a whole bunch of grads will pop by and say hi in January, if they get a chance. It has been a pleasure writing emails for all of you this year. It has been a great year away. Thanks for all of the excellent emails from all of you. I get home on December 29^th and I hope to see or hear from all of you in the early part of the New Year. It will be nice to be home

Cheers

Tommy

email number 3 from oz

This is the third email in my series of updates I sent in 2003 while on exchange in Australia.

Well, the summer is long gone, and it is getting pretty chilly in the mornings and evenings now. The house where I'm living has very little in the way of insulation and I'M freezing. For those who know me well, I wear shorts year round in Vancouver, but here, in the evenings, I have to put on pants and I went and bought some big slippers too! The other morning I could literally see my breath. And I'm in Australia!?!?! What is up with that?!?!? But, once the sun hits its' peak, it still gets to 21 degrees and I got a bit of a sun burn. Frost bite and sun burns....hmmmm. And to cap it off, it is only the middle of fall right now and the winter looms ahead. And yeah, I still wear shorts out of the house everyday - don't want any one to see me crack under the pressure.

Life is going on. I am used to all of the routines in life and at school and there are no huge surprises or head scratchers these days. I feel so much more relaxed at school then I did when the year started, and the students are more relaxed around me and less testing of me to see how I'll respond. This makes the classes more fun to teach and the students seem more comfortable with my whole teaching style. I have to say again, how amazingly friendly every student is and they ask really personal questions - which I don't mind, as long as they are appropriate for school. They also like my joking sort of style, which I can use once and a while (still not as often as home) when they are quiet and actually working. The classes just don't work as hard and aren't as dilligent or caring about accuracy as at home - which isn't to say they don't care at all - they definitely care, but only as long as the work isn't too hard and if they can finish it quickly. I've already thought about how hard it is going to be to eventually say goodbye to many of these students - you develop cool relationships much faster here - but probably a lot of that is different for me then another teacher here because I am the odd guy with the accent. I won't miss the noisiness of the classes and how hard it is to get them settled and down to work and to stay working - that is why it is hard to be sort of funny and relaxed. I have more headaches from teaching here then at home. It is really just a few students per class that make the whole group noisy, but once again, no one is bad (the worst they do is slightly swear, be out of uniform, or just never do work), just not as academically minded and not as well prepared to sit through a lesson as what I'm used to.

Since I last left you, I played in the club squash tournament and lost to the number one seed in the semis - I am the only person in the past 12 months to win a game off him at this club. I also finished casting my play at school. I ended up having 45 audition for the 14 parts and I kept three understudies and chose two stage managers. They are so excited about doing a play - like you wouldn't believe. They haven't had a real school play in 5 years. This school doesn't offer drama classes, so they are all pretty much newbies when it comes to being on stage, so I'll have to spend more time on the basics, but their enthusiasm more then makes up for their lack of experience and I'm sure it will be an awesome experience. The play probably won't be as polished as home for that reason, and cause we can't really rehearse after school much as they all have to jump on buses the second school ends. We've arranged with parents to work Monday until 6:00 and to rehearse every second Sunday starting in June. Also, the school doesn't have an auditorium or drama studio, so we have to perform it at a primary school near by. There is so much to do that I take for granted at home  -like renting a lighting board and all of the lights, making and buying costumes and finding props etc. Luckily lots of staff want to help.

On the school holidays (we had two weeks off between terms 1 and 2 that coincide with Easter and Anzac Day - a commemorative day honoring the Australians and New Zealands who died in Gallipoli during the world war) I flew up to the Gold Coast (just south of Brisbane on the east coast), rented a car and took 10 days driving down the coast, staying in youth hostels, hiking and surfing etc. It was awesome. I went on a few rainforest walks which were spectacular. I took my first surfing lesson and I was very ordinary (my new favorite Australian saying). I made it look very hard. Very hard. Met some cool people travelling and had a chance to make a few friends for short periods of time. Most travellers had started in Sydney and were working their way north to Cairns and the Great Barrier Reef. I'm saving that stuff till September. I did get to Sydney and stayed with some frisbee friends. I explored the harbour, went to a bunch of musuems (the aquarium was awesome - they millions of tropical fish, huge sharks, sting rays etc.) and went out in the evening. I also went on a tour of the Hunter Valley wine region which was lots of fun - I did one of the organized bus tours so that I could sample the wines and sample I did. I then headed down to Canberra for the ultimate frisbee nationals. I got to Canberra a day early and checked out the parliament - which is an incredible building and saw the excellent national museum which had lots of history in it. Australia's handling of their aboriginal peoples is sadly the same as North America's. Even worse in some ways  - in the 20th century (and this only ended 30 years ago)the government forcibly removed aborginal children from their families and put them in boarding schools that were aimed to teach them to be "white". Many of the kids never saw their parents again.

Nationals was so much fun! And I was worried it was going to suck. I ended up giving up on the top team a long time ago as I got tired of the politics and the 4 hours plus round trip driving to practice. I ended up spending weekends going hiking and to the beach. I've also started running once a week on Saturday mornings. So, I was on the second team which had a number of disgruntled guys who felt they belonged on the top team (who, by the way, was favoured to win the tournament) - I too was disgruntled for a while, but I got over it quickly once we started playing. It was a fun team and we played hard, but our lack of practice time together hurt in a few close games. We ended up winning our last 5 games to finish 13th out of 20 teams. The top team was upset in the semis, but we cheered them on -my buddy Colin played for the top team and did really well. Incidently we saw a movie there called Nowhere In Africa, which I totally recommend to everyone  -it won the Oscar for best foreign film this past year too.

Nationals ended, Colin went off to Sydney before heading home to Canada and I flew back to Melbourne and drove down home. It can get a bit lonely in Tarwin, being a small place and being on my own. I'm involved in lots of stuff in Leongatha were the school is and am making some good friends, but everyone is quite busy. One teacher, Danny, who did an exchange to Canada two years ago to Cambridge, Ontario is easily my best friend here. We hang out and do stuff and I love his three young sons and his awesome wife Lisa. I stay over at their house once every few weeks to cut down on the driving. Danny is in a rock band that plays cover versions of current rock (Green Day, Jimmy Eat World, Good Charlotte etc.) and I went and played roadie for them at their recent gig on Philip Island. It was lots of fun and they rocked! It was really good  -they even did a version of the Beastie Boys "Fight For Your Right To Party"  -which was cool and very different. The guys they hired to do lighting and sound for them asked me if I wanted to do a few gigs with them and I probably will. I also signed up for the Melbourne Open squash tournament. So, life continues to be busy, school is good and tiring and I continue to train twice a week with the Tarwin Aussie Rules Football team. The training is fun and tough, and my skills are shocking (another Aussie-ism) and the guys are great and it is keeping me fit and getting me some social time with some locals. I've learned two things - I don't drink nearly enough beer to fit in and Aussie Rules is ridiculously rough (bordering on silly). I love watching and I might change my mind about playing - I'm a bit small and not THAT much of a risk taker.

ESPN Australia shows hockey and basketball playoffs so I'm up to date and get to watch a few games here and there. They don't show Canadian teams unless they have to (meaning all American teams are not playing that day) - -luckily all of the other series are over, so today I get to got home and watch game 6 for the Canucks - VERY exciting. Go Canucks Go!!!!

Hope all is well with everyone - thanks for all of your messages - I know I'm lazy about responding, but I love getting them and reading them - it makes me happy and I will respond some time.

Talk to you all again soon

Tommy