Course Planning Guide: Part 2 The Electives

And here are the electives courses, please refer to Part 1 for the Academic course descriptions

Home Economics Classes

Cooking- If you jumped to the assumption that this course involved actual cooking, you would be wrong. It used to be a course where students would learn to cook, but last summer this aging, hippie of a teacher decided to rid himself of all of worldly possessions, including all of the ovens and stoves in his cooking classroom (even though, as he found out after the fact, that they weren't actually his to sell). Before, classes would make chicken pot pies, spaghetti and meat sauce and cookies, and now much of the class is spent sitting in a circle on the floor, listening to the teacher sing songs from the '60s accompanied by his banjo. In breaks between songs, the students will be entertained by colourful stories of his renegade, stick-it-to-the-man cooking past which are all tied together by his passionate anti-war/pro-love philosophy. It is this teacher's hope, that by the end of the course, that although students will not have actually cooked anything, they will have gained a true understanding of the philosophy, beauty and social implications of cooking.  

Sewing - In this class, students will learn to make shirts, dresses, pants, socks and hats. The teacher is an extreme task-master and deadlines are announced early and never extended. Students will learn to sew and will have the cuts and scars to remind them of all of their hard work. It is realized after the fact, that the course also acts as an inexpensive method for the teacher to update their wardrobe. 

Family studies - Family makes up the core of our existence and, by the end of this course, students will learn all about families: how to make them (through a series of informational and low budget videos), how to maintain them (through a series of emotional and intentionally awkward role-playing activities) and how to escape from them (through a gripping multimedia presentation from the teacher showing how she got brainwashed as a young teen and joined a local cult who had her commit  a number of low-level crimes and misdemeanors and perform increasingly stranger and weirder animalistic rituals until she finally had had enough after being asked to trim the leader's beard while also feeding him peeled grapes and she escaped at midnight posing as a door-to-door encyclopedia salesperson). All different types of families are studied: conjugal, avuncular, matrifocal, extended and blended (with a small amount of time watching "Three Men and a Baby" and discussing the pros and cons to this type of family). Lots of time is spent discussing the value and advantages of each and at the end of the course, students will write a final paper where they must argue vehemently which type of family is the best. Bonus points are given to any student who starts their own family during the running of the course.

Career and personal planning- In this course, students will learn to plan their futures. While not anyone's favourite course, the teacher adeptly provides the students all the motivation they need by recounting all of the mistakes, errors and psychological pain he encountered as a result of not planning ahead. This course has a 100% completion rate as all students attempt to avoid being anything like their teacher.

Technology Education Classes

Woodwork- During the first class the teacher shares the truth behind where wood actually comes from. This harrowing tale of courage, valor and bark is meant to have students see wood in a different light and to give it the treatment it deserves. Unfortunately, the story is so obviously made up and borrows VERY heavily from the movie Lion King (he just replaced all of the lions with pieces of wood) that it doesn't quite work the way he intended. During the second class, the teacher lays down the ground rules of safety and behaviour, with extra-emphasis on students never euphemistically referring to male genitalia as wood as it is highly juvenile, creates unnecessary confusion and could lead to bad accidents. "Any other body part can be compared to or called wood," he says every year "knock yourself out!" which is followed by at least one gullible student actually knocking themselves out resulting in much hilarity for all, once they come to. The rest of the course is spent making life-sized wooden models of mythological beasts for Mother's Day and ornate wooden bowls with hidden splinters for Father's Day, because his mother loved mythological beasts and he hated his father who loved his collection of bowls so much.

Metalwork- Students are taught to create stunningly beautiful pieces of metal art from metal scraps found literally in a junk yard. The works of metal art are then appreciated for a week before being dismantled back into random scraps of metal and returned to where it was found.. Caution - the trip to the junk yard is dangerous! There are a lot of sharp edges  -don't get cut! There are small rats and other small rodents - don't get bit! And make sure you stay with your partner, we don't want to leave anyone behind, as they may become one of those strange, runaway metal folk who haunt the junk yard. (Note from the office staff - we wanted to heavily edit this write-up, but the principal decided to leave it as it may attract more students to take the course.)

Mechanics - In term 1, each student is given a large box with all of the pieces of a car in it and the first to correctly assemble the pieces into an actual car gets an A and automatically gets to go open their own mechanics shop and bypass the rest of this course and school. Everyone else gets a C and gets to take pictures of the student next to their car so they can take this picture home and throw darts at it while they cry over their C. In term 2, each student is given a large box with all of the pieces of a car except one and the first student to correctly name the missing part, what it does and what bad things would happen to a driver who "accidentally" ate that part gets an A and gets to automatically work for (and clean up after) the student who opened the shop from term 1; everyone else gets a C and is allowed to mentally hurl and impale the successful student with the missing part. In term 3, the remaining students are taught the following topics "Wheels: why they are better triangular, but more aesthetically pleasing when round", "Car Washing: how to use this to get ahead in our modern world" and "Why everything looks so different from the passenger seat".

Electronics- Students are given the option of learning the most up-to-date electrical codes for houses and how to become filthy rich once gaining this knowledge, learning how to take a computer apart and put it back together and then learning how to do this again but only this time really really slowly, making a robot that can perform basic household tasks all-the-while spitting out an endless stream of sarcastic remarks about your own laziness, or sorting a massive box of discarded used wires into piles of separate colours for purposes that are never revealed (the teacher will say with a gleam in his eye "it's better you don't know"). A final project is learning how to not smile even when your best friend is semi-electrocuted as it is just really bad form, it gives you one less person to mooch off and it is almost definitely horrible for your karma.

Graphics- In this course, students will learn why one graphic design is "fresh and new" and another makes you want to "gouge your eyes out" and how these two extremes seem to flip flop every five years or so. Students are encouraged to find their own unique style but are given low grades if they use too much brown. Students will progress from basic image manipulation and placement in the early part of the course to an aggressive and coordinated advertising campaign featuring vivid, colourful and sleek posters with multiple subliminal messages, hidden objects and cute emojis. Students will be able to inquire as to what the ad campaign is for and the teacher will try, and ultimately fail, to explain via  her own series of colourful sleek posters.

Business & Computer Courses

Web Design- As students enter the classroom on the first day, they are greeted by the following question on the whiteboard "Have you ever wanted to design your own website?" Students answering "no" or "not sure" or "I guess" are given the slow computers that crash constantly and are kept in class until the teacher finishes his World of Warcraft game. Students answering "yes" get the rest of the day off. On day two, students enter the classroom greeted by the same question, only this time it is written in a much larger font. Students answering anything but "yes" are subjected to hours of sitting in the dark, staring at the flickering screens of their computers until their teacher has perfected his calligraphy homework. On each day for the rest of the year, students enter and are met with larger and more forceful lettering asking the same question, with the affirmative-answering students allowed to leave and the students answering "no" having to endure stranger and harsher experiences often involving, but not limited to, sensory deprivation, beds of nails, especially ticklish feathers and bubble gum. This continues until either all students acquiesce and go enjoy their free time or the teacher can't physically use a larger font for the question (one year, he made super-huge foam letters that completely filled the classroom and students couldn't even enter through the door and even if they could, the letters were so large and somewhat randomly placed that the question, though ingrained in their brains at that point, was no longer readable). Once all students have agreed that, in the class called Web Design, that they all do, in fact, want to design webpages do they actually get to learn how to do so, and they will learn so much if the teacher answers his daily question "Do you really want to teach these students to design their own website?" with a yes.

Accounting- In this comprehensive course, students will learn why cash flow is usually good and accrued liabilities are usually not, why cooking the books is better than fudging the numbers, and how to dress for an audit. Students will pair up and role play trying to use "bottom line", "surplus", "asset" and "liquid" in as many ways as possible all the while keeping a straight face. Students will also learn why it is rarely okay for accountants to break down and cry in front of their bosses or clients except if presented with valuable stock options.

Marketing- In this practical course, students will learn basic marketing skills needed to operate the school store. This enthusiastic teacher has even gone as far as writing her own textbook, if you can call an entire book of cartoons a textbook and she can, so it is! The book features chapters entitled (1) Let's Make Taking Inventory Fun (or at least more fun then before)!, (2) You Call That A Profit?!?!? I'll Show You a Profit!, (3) How To Run Your Store So it Doesn't Run You (unless you want it to and then flip to chapter 25), (4) One Secret That Will Help You Sell Anything (and a few more if that one doesn't work) and (5) How To Kill (an expression) Your Competition and Run (an expression) Them Out of Business (not an expression) and Give Them Jobs You Wouldn't Give to Your Dog (might be an expression, won't be sure until I get a dog and try to train it to do menial tasks at my store  -stay tuned for the future editions). The highlight of this class is the final party where everyone gets to throw around copious amounts monopoly money and pretend to light imitation cigars while drinking fizzy apple juice in plastic champagne flutes.

Drafting- Very few people know what drafting actually is (believe me, we looked) and, unfortunately for our school, the one person who did went a little...how do we say this respectfully?...crazy (that wasn't it) and is not currently able to work. While we await his return, this newly completely self-directed class will be covered by our first aid-attendant, so at least if someone gets hurt using any of the sharp drafting tools or accessories, they will be well looked after. Any actual drafting projects that get completed will be purely coincidental and will have to remain ungraded as none of us have any clue what is going on.

Physical Education Classes

Physical Education- Students will be graded on attendance, effort and the volume and intensity of their grunting as well as their performance and progress in the sport skills they are taught. In term one, students will run, play volleyball, run, play soccer and run. If the class is well behaved, they will be introduced to a highly secretive volleyball/soccer hybrid that the teacher invented late at night after drinking a whole lot of coffee and inhaling the contents of three entire canisters of whipped cream. In term two, students will continue to run a lot, mostly by doing laps on the oval track, but occasionally in a complex, highly-regimented zigzag pattern that would look awesome if seen from above. When not running, they are not. And they are also playing basketball, swimming and learning squash. The teacher is a squash fanatic and after multiple failed attempts to share his love of squash, has been known to amp the ball machine up to it's highest speed and fire squash balls at his students as a last ditch, bruise-inducing effort to get them to love this graceful and beautiful game. Finally, in term three the students are expected just to start running almost as if it is a sixth sense. The teacher believes by now, after months of running on his command, that they should just know when he would like them to run and where he wants them to run to. Surprisingly most students are in tune with their teacher and those that aren't have to do push ups, but not just any old push ups, they must do push ups while running - a VERY challenging task! Students will also play tennis, ultimate frisbee and golf.  The teacher doesn't quite buy that frisbee is an actual sport to be taken seriously so he brings in a team of dogs from the local animal shelter for the students to play against, and adopt if they chose to. Bonus marks are given to any student who teaches a dog to throw a frisbee. On the final day of class, the students will be locked in the gym with a single ball and are given the simple instruction "win" - those that win will pass the course and those that don't will be forced to run some more.

Yoga- In this course students will learn to breathe and stretch and why no one should ever do one with out the other. Students will be quizzed daily on the English translations for the Sanskrit names of the poses they are learning with extra marks being given to students who actually learn Sanskrit. Poses learned will include The Sun Salutation (including a contingency plan for days when it is overcast), The Warrior Series (as well as the lesser known Coward and Draft Dodger series), Standing Bow (as well as both Floor Bow, Kneeling Bow and Broken Bow after years of archery practice only gained you a 9th place in the competition), Half Moon (students will NOT be allowed to attempt to demonstrate any posture called Full Moon in this class), Standing Head to Knee (and for the more advanced Standing Body Part X to Body Part Y with bonus marks being given for creativity and difficulty - please do not suggest Hand to Butt, or Finger to Inside of Nose as those jokes are tired and old), and Dead Body Pose (we will end all classes with this pose - PLEASE make sure you do not do this pose too well, as one student spent the entire weekend in the classroom as the teacher and custodian both mistook the still student for a mannequin).

Strength and Conditioning- In this course, students will lift weights, get buff and either need to buy new t-shirts or make all of their old t-shirts look like they were purchased at Gap For Kids. Students will learn how to curl their biceps to the beat of European Death Metal, bench press impressively weighty barbells while enduring self-doubt inducing slogans and blasting their core only after attempting to baste, bless and act blase about it first to varying degrees of success. All body parts will be worked with the focus being on those that can either help in a future rescue situations or look good when someone just happens to have some extra baby oil lying around. Students will be first introduced to high-intensity interval training, followed by medium-intensity interval training, followed by low-intensity interval training, followed by hanging out in the park looking for four-leaf clovers (although some students will do this in a fairly intense matter). And, just to clear things up - there is no actual conditioning of hair in this course, despite how "misleading" some students claim the title is. The conditioning is primarily for your body and secondly for your mind. If anything else is conditioned consider it a bonus.

Note: There will be a long-term teacher on call in for this class for the first term due to injuries and burns as a result of an unfortunate flying-a-kite-in-a-lightening-storm activity that was caused by the teacher either mishearing his wife or being far too literal or both. For some reason, the school board has placed a retired ballet teacher in his place, so, suffice it to say, the class may be slightly different, and students will most likely be considerably more graceful, than usual. 

Fine Arts Classes

Art- Students will learn to appreciate great works of art and understand why some pieces of art should be appreciated and hung in the most famous museums in the world while others deserve to be laughed at and/or egged. In term one, the class will be introduced to painting with colours and why art with colours is always more exciting and appropriate than black and white pictures unless you are aiming for something "moody" or "artistic" or "German". Students will only be allowed to use one colour each week as the teacher feels that limitless colours only leads to chaos and epilepsy. In term two, students will learn about shading and perspective and how, if used properly, they can give your drawings the illusion of three dimensions and how, an accidentally spilled cup of water can reduce three dimensions down to one in seconds. Note: students who lack perspective in their regular life, will find drawing with perspective next to impossible. Finally, in term three, students will work with clay and either create a bowl, a series of intricate and historically accurate Roman warrior figurines, or, for those less-skilled, something more abstract that may or may not be either a bowl, a warrior or both. Male students' final grades will be determined in equal parts on their portfolio, the shape, style and length of their mustache and groveling. Female students' final grades will be determined in equal parts on their portfolio, their choice of beret and level of pretentiousness (any mustaches grown by female students will be taken into account as well.)

Acting-  Day 1: each student has a character randomly assigned to them. Since this teacher is an extreme follower of method acting, where students are intended to live their part off stage and do as they would do, from the second you walk into this classroom until the day you finish in June, you will be on stage and in character all day long - no exceptions! Students are expected to always be in character, even if it results in serious reprimanding at home, actions that lead to failure in other classes and being seen as a social deviant and/or recluse and/or butterfly by those who used to hold you in high regard (the only exception to the method acting rule is when a student is presented with a piece of scrumptious BBQ chicken - everyone loves chicken, regardless of what their character would be hungry for - and everyone must eat it whenever it is served no exceptions!). Each year the class will perform a play in the late spring, and how this is unique is that the play writes itself as the students, in character, interact with each other inside and outside of class while the teacher, playing God if you will, injects overly dramatic situations, moments of high comedy and an almost never-ending stream of social misunderstandings.  The play is always spectacular and the actors are always greeted like returning Davids after felling Goliaths (though the audience members must spent weeks preparing their praise in Hebrew and Aramaic). On the final day of class, students are able to be themselves again and everyone just sits in various random spots in the classroom in awkward silence.

Dance- In this class, students will be exposed to the wonderful world of dance in all of its varieties. Some of the dances that will be taught next year are: ballet, the "Robot, who is badly in need of some new updates or programming troubleshooting", the Waltz, the "I've got something alive in my shirt and I have no freakin' clue what it could be!!! Oh, it was some pizza!" dance, the Flamenco and the "Oh no, I don't dance. No really, I don't dance. Look! How many times and ways must I tell you, I don't dance! Leave me alone!" dance. For the most part this teacher gravitates towards "happier" dance numbers and anything not totally upbeat usually leaves her in tears, although students will at least be initially unsure if these are tears of joy or pain until the wailing begins. Students will learn to dance with focus, so much so that they will often appear to uneducated outsiders that they are in some sort of trance or that they are under some sort of remote brain control, but this is easily forgotten as the dance is just that good. If you sign up for dance expect to work hard and be free to rehearse hours after school. There is a letter of commitment that must be signed and returned by the end of the first week of classes that in no way is legally-binding or grounds for dismissal from the school or putting the student at risk of a criminal lawsuit, but is intended to give the impression that it is.

Band- The year will start with students selecting an instrument. This instrument will become part of you and you won't feel complete with out it. The teacher will discuss the fine line between healthy and scary attachment levels to your instrument and you are expected to constantly toe that line. Students will learn about octaves (including the secret 10 note octave that is a thing of lore), keys (why the best songs always have tons of sharp notes in them), tempo (never make it too fast or else audience members may throw up) and why the best musicians were equal parts lovers, meat-eaters and struggling with borderline personality disorders. The band will learn the Jazz standards as well as experiment with New jazz that involves tons of avant-garde improvisation and growling. Students are strongly encouraged to lose themselves in their work and reach a point of true expression. One of the numbers learned last year was originally intended to be 4 minutes long and ended up close to 3 hours in length mostly as the drummer grew infatuated with the sound his symbol made when he allowed his afro to brush against it and the sax players tried to hijack the song by playing until everyone else just decided to go to the cafeteria for lunch. Unlike more typical bands that remain stationary aside from standing during predictable solos, this band roams the stage as they perform, starring down the audience almost as if they had been challenged to a duel or had possibly dropped their cellphones somewhere on the auditorium floor. There is lots of high-fiving, camaraderie, in-jokes and whoopie cushions among the band members which result in the audience feeling either very left-out and ostracized or hungry. But, anyone can join - no experience is necessary! Come join us in the band!

Choir- If you love singing this is the place for you! We will sing...a lot. In fact, we will only sing, all the time, every class. That's right, only singing. "Why?" some students will ask and they will only receive the answer "freedom" if they sang their question and even then the answer will only serve to confuse matters more. Aside from singing in class, the choir will perform at assemblies and in competitions. In an effort to stand out in, this choir only performs songs in extinct or animal languages. Highlights from previous years was the touching Crimean Gothic song about death and loss (we think - no real idea what they were singing about, and we suspect that some of them didn't either as a few of them were smiling the whole time), the musical comedy number performed in dolphin (by the girls) and whale (by the boys) and the song in Latin about the rapidly encroaching extinction of Latin (historical and linguistic liberties were taken in the writing of this song that shocked and insulted the professor of Latin who just randomly happened to be in the audience). As the performance neared it's end, Latin became extinct and the choir was rendered mute and were only able to express themselves through a series of odd clicks and hand gestures that seemed somewhat offensive, but all-the-while heart-wrenchingly beautiful. The more the merrier in the choir - it is a lot of fun, aside from the harsh and almost constant judging.

And there you go grade 12s! What a comprehensive list of courses. Remember, chose wisely and consider all of your options. Have a great summer and see you next year!

Course Planning Guide: Part 1 Academic Courses

Welcome to course planning for 2014-2015 grade 12 students! This guide is the result of a lot of hard work and planning by the staff at our school and should provide you a useful reference when selecting your courses for the upcoming grade 12 year - the most important year of your school career. You will have to incorporate graduation requirements, post-secondary admissions and your personal interests in choosing your 8 classes. It is important to consider all of your options as there are so many compelling and fun courses to select from. We know you are excited about next year and graduation and the future- it is only a little over a year away - read this booklet carefully, ask your teachers and counsellor lots of questions and talk about your plans with your family. Have fun planning!

Math Classes

Pre-Calculus - This comprehensive class includes the following topics

Algebra - A significant amount of time is spent discussing what to do with the illusive 'x' when it is finally found - does it deserve a celebratory party or a bit of talking to? Sample test questions include "Where is a variable when you need it most?" and "Which of the following are constants? (a) 2, (b) your impending demise, (c) the cat scratching at your door while you sleep, (d) there are no constants in life as everything we know and love is fleeting". The teacher is particularly fond of solving equations and prefers them then regular daily interactions with quote unquote humans. Reminder that 20% of the final grade for this unit is based on an essay on the topic of (a) the political ramifications of using inequalities to reach a long-lasting peace or (b) are algebra tiles the work of the devil?

Geometry- This unit deals with shapes, shapes and more shapes. Students are taught to fight the temptation to only study the more "popular" shapes like triangles and squares and to think outside the box (note: this class actually takes place inside a large cardboard box). For the second month of this unit, the class will be divided in half and will debate 2-dimensional shapes vs. 3 dimensional shapes (the 3-dimensional side has their work cut out for them as the teacher is quite biased, feeling that three-dimensional shapes are invading our domain and that they should have just stuck to 2-dimensions as was intended by our creator). Students will also learn why historically the "rounder" shapes have all the fun and why adding extra sides and angles may initially seem like a great idea but eventually only leads towards mass hysteria and an early curfew.

Trigonometry - Didn't you always want to know how tall that tall tree in the park is? No? Well, how about having the ability to calculate the distance between two ships that have travelled different distances and directions? Really? I bet you've always wanted to know how much higher a taller building is than the shorter one in front of it if you know the angles you are looking at the top of each building with? Fine then! This section of the course is meaningless for you! Bonus marks will be given to any student who creates and performs a rap about trigonometry as long as they can avoid misogynistic language and lyrics glorifying the use of drugs (feel free to be as racist as you'd like as we all know how hard it would be to talk about trigonometry without going there).

Probability- The teacher will spend the entire first week with her back to the class rolling a single die crying (believe us, we know the teacher and can predict these things). The teacher will spend the entire second week of the class shuffling a deck of cards until her hands bleed. The teacher will spend the entire third week of the class, dressed as a happy circus clown, cackling and dancing and flipping a coin while prancing around the room. It should be clear, by the end of this course, why games of chance and any attempts to apply probability to your leisure activities should be avoided at all costs unless of course you win, then by all means go for it! Also, students will understand why a 40% chance of rain almost always results in rain and that instead of 40% having any connection at all to probability it is more of a "premonition" the meteorologist "came to" after a night of losing at poker, heavy drinking, and chain-smoking Cuban cigars. All students will be required to play the stock market aggressively until they go bankrupt as part of a class project on the merits of using probability to make a living.

AP Calculus - Welcome to one hell of a hard class! Like, wow - this is some hard stuff and you should pat yourself on the back for even entertaining the idea of studying this version of math that makes all other types of math look like collecting dolls. On the first day of class the teacher will introduce counting, first by 1s, then by 2s, then back to 1s again. On day 2, the class will spend time on complicated differential equations, focusing mostly on ones that are overly complex and have the least amount of practical applications, and then on day 3 back to counting again. The rest of the year is spent investigating why the most nerdy of the mathematicians end up attracting the most stunning models and why many people believe that calculus was created so that only a small portion of the population would be able to order takeout from that really good Chinese place on 5th. Prerequisites: An A in Calculus, permission from the instructor or some combination of the two. Note: the use of comically large pencils and comically small erasers is a plus - just large pencils and small erasers with out the comical aspect will get you nowhere.

Apprenticeship and Workplace Math - This course will teach you all about math you need in a variety of common workplaces: sinking submarines, burning buildings or buildings that just happen to be filled with a whole lot of chain-smokers, trapeze swings and bakeries that feature delectable cupcakes. Everyone must both literally and figuratively embrace fractions and their low-class cousin from the burbs, decimals, or else we are going to have a bit of a problem. Much time is spent on percentages, their role in the Iran Contra Affair and how the symbol is easily the most fun to share with others in social settings. Students should be aware that each month a different student is selected at random and "voted" off the classroom and can only return after either completing updating their wardrobe or taking a selfie high-fiving the principal (next to impossible as she is VERY out-of-touch with technology and thinks that everyone using a cell phone is practicing some rare form of witchcraft.)

Science Classes

Biology - In this course both plants and animals are studied (and the teacher is open to studying half-plant, half-animal beings if the class has an interest as well). The teacher is a real plant-enthusiast and try as he might, he just can't help comparing and contrasting humans and plants and coming to the non-empirically proven hypothesis that plants are far superior aside from their inability to walk. This leads naturally into an optional unit where the teacher reads from an in-the-works novel he is writing on where a species of walking-plants enslave us all and go on to do a much better job as the caretakers of the planet, aside from creating impossible-to-listen-to club music. The class will most likely enjoy this book aside from the ending where the people and plants become friends and decide to start a new civilization as equals mostly because it seems forced and cliche. Note: students will be doing a lot of dissecting in this class. Like a lot. If it moves, or once moved or is even thinking about moving, it will be dissected. At other schools, they dissect a frog; well, we not only dissect the frog, but make a restaurant-quality dish out of the innards. In some biology classes at other schools they dissect a cow's eye; well at our school we do 5 per day every day often with one arm tied behind our back (we used to do much with one arm behind our back in our school as a result of our first headmaster back in the 1880s losing an arm to a crocodile, who was then dissected).

Chemistry - "Chemistry is everywhere" the students will learn and will be asked to provide a comprehensive list of exactly where and when by the end of term 1 to receive a passing grade. In second term, this ex-theatre teacher has the class dress up as their favorite atoms and try bonding together (a popular and highly controversial unit that is only begrudgingly accepted by the administration and parents due to the high number of students asking for chemistry sets for birthday presents and the very low percentage of pregnant students compared to the national average). The current version of this unit is WAY toned down from its original form in the 60s, as that would just be too risque. Students will not be late and, if they are they need to get a glass of water for the teacher from scratch (the water and the glass). If much of the class is failing at the mid-term break, as is anticipated due to a nonsensical and seemingly random marking scheme, the punishment is that the class has to work solely with unbalanced equations just so they know how they feel and will not be allowed to balance them unless they can come up with a really funny and original chemistry joke. An entire term will be wasted studying the wrong kinds of moles, although the students are now fully-equipped in case of unwanted facial growths or new holes that appear in their backyards. By the end of the course, students will be well-versed in all things ionic and will have gained a new appreciation for equilibrium and all of the good times that naturally come along with it.

Physics - In the past, this senior class has been in the running for "The Most Unnecessarily Difficult Course" title until the new ex-Eastern mystic teacher came in and revamped (read "slowed way the heck down") physics education a few years ago. This teacher does not believe in mixing physics with math in any way constantly and annoyingly using the analogy of olive oil and vinegar not mixing and constantly and annoyingly ignoring students who bring in a wonderfully delicious array of spectacular vinaigrettes to prove her wrong. The class will work on a long experiment that involves rolling increasingly larger and larger spheres down increasingly longer and longer planks at increasingly greater and greater degrees of inclination (don't bring your own ball or plank or suggest your own degree of inclination - the teacher will freak out and hurl anti-Einsteinian epitaphs at you intermixed with The Bhagavad Gita just to calm down). The point of this experiment will remain unclear months after the class is over and students will feel like the teacher just has a thing for balls and ramps.

Geology - This classroom is entirely filled with rocks. Literally. After a few weeks when the initial thrill and shock have worn off, the students realize there is no teacher or books or anything resembling desks. Just a pile of rocks. And not an attractive rock among them. Just a whole lot of ugly ugly rocks. Not surprisingly, this is a popular class. Left to their own devices, classes in the past have either (a) chosen to treat a particularly large rock as the teacher, mostly in their misplaced need for some, any, father figure, (b) sorted the rocks into piles by size, colour, personality and value on the open market and (c) created a Lord of the Flies-type civilization run by kids living among the rocks complete with a marketplace, a one-room rock schoolhouse and a series of monolithic rocks representing a new group of heathen deities. In the average year students actually leave this course knowing less about geology then before and the school has graduated an endless stream of hard-working, enthusiastic and incredibly weak geologists.

Social Science Classes

Law - The first day of this course, students are given an opening lecture on the following topics: "Do you realize how much fun people used to have before laws?", "How to obey the law and look really good while doing so", "If you have to choose between feeding your starving family and breaking a series of old, antiquated, senseless laws how to either develop a new, stronger moral compass or find a new family on a Russian brides website" and "Taking the law into your own hands in 5 simple, easy steps". The rest of this course is spent memorizing the criminal code of Canada word-by-word. There are no lectures, tests, assignments or projects. Instead, day after day and class after class, the students file in, sit down and take out their copies of the code and read. The final exam, worth 100% of the course, is notoriously difficult. Each student is arrested and charged based upon a rare and complicated law and is held in prison without bail until their court date when they are forced to defend themselves using their knowledge they gained throughout the year while reading the criminal code. The pro is that students really learn the law which will help them throughout their lives, the con is that a few classmates have to do 5 to 10 in the local prison where they will utilize their muscles gained from lugging around the weighty criminal code book all year  -plus you never know when knowing how to make a licence plate will come in handy in the future.

History - In this course, students will learn all about the horrifying, tragic and stupid mistakes of history and will spend much time laughing, because, as the teacher always says "if we are doomed to repeat history, we may as well have a good time while we are waiting". This teacher also loves to tell stories and they often go on and on and always go off on weird tangents. One time he was telling the class a story about the rise of nationalism in Italy in the late 19th century and somehow ended talking about his new iPhone. Another time he was discussing the relationship between China and Japan and ended up offending those students who were big J-Lo fans. One other time on a Friday afternoon, he had the class so entranced that they thought the final bell was some sort of air siren warning them of the impending Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour that they spent the entire weekend huddled in fear under their desks. The teacher is also a big fan of learning by doing and often spends the entire second term having the class take place in historical re-enactments. This year, the class will be learning about the Crusades and the teacher prays that after months of re-enacting the Crusades a few students may chose to go buy him a coffee and a doughnut with hopefully a lot less death and religious undertones.

Philosophy - The opening week of this class involves learning, briefly, about all of the major ideas from the prominent philosophers in North American and European history through an interactive puppet show. The second week focuses on Asian and South Asian philosophical thinkers. The third week, equipped with information about all famous philosophies, students will do 10 minute presentations on their own personal philosophies and will be expected to be eloquent, convincing and willing to arduously commit themselves to living the rest of their lives according to their particular brand of philosophy. The rest of the course focuses on all of the "crazy" ideas of the teacher which concentrate mostly on the government being either criminally corrupt or better suited as jazz musicians and why philosophy majors are often the most attractive and constantly in high demand at Starbucks. Male students are encouraged to wear glasses and to grow a beard and then to lean back in their chair, look skyward and stroke their beard pensively. Female students are encouraged to also stroke the male student's beards or at least not to twirl their hair nervously as that is definitely "unphilosophical". Students have a choice to either write a comprehensive final exam or write an essay on the topic of "Nature vs Nurture - CHOOSE NOW!"

Psychology - Each week the teacher administers a different battery of tests on the students hoping to either help each student figure out their true personality profile and take one big step towards self-actualization or to see the short-term and long-term effects of psychological testing on adolescences for his paper that is due to be presented at the big conference next summer. Students are also encouraged to figure out what was up with Freud anyways and why so many famous psychologists have really hard names to pronounce. Other topics covered include (a) the difference between seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist or just continuing to talk to yourself in the mirror wearing a series of different hats, (b) the fine line between weird/funny and weird/where is that straight jacket?, and (c) how to psychoanalyze your friends without being detected to either help them or use the information for your own personal gain.

Geography - Throughout this course difficult questions are answered such as "where am I?", "where was I?" and "can you locate Djibouti on the globe?" The differences between physical geography and all other (lesser) varieties of geography are discussed over a series of excellently caterer picnics. The long-term effects of climate on lambs is researched as are the best sauce to serve with lamb during next week's picnic. The third portion of the course covers rare and exciting geographical terms such as deltas, fjords and chinooks mostly through a series of informational videos viewed over a series of amazing lunches. By the end of the class, the students are often confused if this was solely a geography class or more of means for the teacher to advertise and try out new recipes for her food truck.

English Classes

English - In this essential course for all students, the class spends the first two terms celebrating how English is by far the greatest language on earth. There is much revelry, back-patting and war whoops. A really awesome fort is made. The third term involves a massive research assignment looking into the implications for reducing the number of punctuation marks and how to make English more of a romance language especially for those of us who are considered "undateable".

Writing- If you love making up stories, you've come to the right place! You will write many a story in this class and have a chance to clear out all of those "weird" and "scary" ideas out of your head at the same time. Who knows, you may even meet a kindred spirit while doing so. As grammar is so challenging, the class will spend the first month on the comma and it's potential use as a tool during the impending revolution. Students will also learn how to better "advertise" their boring and unoriginal writing by calling it "creative". This writing teacher takes her job very seriously and, as if to prove a point, only communicates through writing. This serves to make even the most basic of conversations slightly awkward and elongated and it also burns through all of the scrap paper the office staff can provide. One goofy student usually attempts to tickle her to see if she laughs aloud or if she just writes the "tee hee hees" on paper. By the end of this course, you will either love writing or extend your vow of silence to include written communication as well.

English Literature- This class will read all of the works of Shakespeare forwards and backwards, literally. Forwards demonstrates the beauty, complexity and symbolic language of The Bard. Backwards is filled with mostly unintelligible language mixed with hidden demonic overtures rife throughout that somehow still demonstrates the amazing poetic prose of Shakespeare as well. Aside from the occasional student who has to be carted off for speaking in tongues, this is a merry class as there is much mead to be drunk, a veritable feast of wild boar to be eaten and the teacher plays a lovely pan flute that only adds to the mood. Any student asking if there are any other authors or poets to study will be sent out for being confrontational.

end of Part 1, stay tuned for Part 2: The Electives!