Questions I Have

Would I rather be attacked by a cow-sized mouse or 100 mouse-sized cows?

If they didn't want me to eat cat food why do they make it so tasty? I...I mean why does it seem so tasty? Actually, why...why does it look so tasty? And easy to digest....ummm...this is embarrassing. Oh look, what a nice dog over there.

Why are the good ones already taken and where have they been taken too? Am I the only one who is worrying about this?

What is up with Greg and who does he think he is and how did he get up there and why can't I stop looking at him and where am I and is this all there is to life?

If I had to experience blisteringly, suffocatingly high heat or bone-chilling, spirit-sucking coldness or extremely, eerily, paranoia-inducing normal temperatures, which would I prefer? Am I overthinking this? 

Could I still call it an apple, if it wasn't spherical, didn't have an edible skin, wasn't juicy and didn't have a core with pits? Could I?

Highlighters - is there anything they can't make lighter? (btw- the answer is yes, with the deep, recesses of my heart being one. And not just my heart, I mean the insides of all hearts must be dark. I'm just sayin'. For all of you who were nodding their heads in agreement at the idea of my heart being dark...thanks, I'll remember that next time you need someone to help you with something that requires some compassion.)

Where have all the voices gone who tell me what to do and where to go and who to talk to and why to do things and who to laugh at and why it's funny and where the door is and what is up? Oh right, I moved out of that hellhole last week.

If everyone in the world woke one morning to find themselves growing tomatoes, would we make an incredible gazpacho or what?

Why does everyone want killer abs? 'Cause you know who they will question first when something is amiss. And may I also say calling them "killer" is just in poor taste- think of how the thighs must feel.

Is it wrong of me to want to see what life would be like with either no belly button or multiple belly buttons?

Would I feel any different if I ate considerably more peanut butter? Only three ways to find out and two of those ways involve experimental surgery - my favourite!

Which would be more fun answering every question with "yes" or answering every question with "no" or just screaming "free the geese" as a reply to everything?

If a tuna melt is a good comparison to use for me lying in my bed covered by my quilt, then what does the pillow represent?

Why do I weigh less on a good day?

If I hear the wolves call my name should I applaud? Those are some pretty talented wolves.

Is it my fault that my wife often rolls her eyes repeatedly? Probably. So to help out  I often want to suggest that I should just do somersaults while she watches, relaxing on the couch just to give her eyes a break.

Can I be both rigid and inflexible and also have a gooey centre?

What good is being ignorant if I cannot enjoy the requisite bliss to complete the experience?

Is it wrong of me to enjoy the end of your yodelling so much? Not that you are not a good yodeller (you're not) or that I don't like your company (the jury is still out), just that there is only so much yodelling and so much of you that I can handle.

Why is a cat that occasionally coughs up hair balls still considered cute and I am disgusting and "someone to keep an eye on" when I do the same?

Would I prefer eating one really large, chocolate chip cookie while I dangle on the ledge of oblivion? Yes, yes I would.