Not That I Want To Brag, But...

Not that I want to brag, but my wife once stopped in the middle of rush hour traffic to give me a standing ovation.

If given the strength, I would carry all of my family, friends and acquaintances on my shoulders and my back wherever they wanted to go, thus saving everyone bus fare.

When I was younger, I used to drop everything I was doing and write wonderfully romantic poems of love that were rife with spelling and grammatical mistakes as I was only 7 at the time.

For those who didn't know, on weekends I often climb to the top of a nearby high hill and then I look down on some of the surrounding shorter hills and laugh uncontrollably at how short they are, because, who in the right mind climbs short hills.

I once entered the barbershop down the street and demanded a hairdo reminiscent of a cross between a lamp post and a flower arrangement so I could be that guy.

When I have a bit of free time, I don my fanciest hat and walk proudly down busy streets as regally as my chiropractor allows.

In my adult years, I have grown into the man I was always meant to be, thus finally disproving those naysaying "most and least likely to" high school yearbook editors from my past.

I am nothing, and I repeat, nothing, if not a connoisseur of fine caviars and retro kitchen supplies.

It may come as a surprise to you, but I was once the loudest, and some would say most aggressive, mime on the Western Seaboard.

People can be excused for constantly being in awe of my near-inhuman ability to excuse and lavishly reward those who are constantly in awe of me.

What is stunning is my ability to not only not sweat the details but to not even think or consider any details about anything ever.

I was raised to occasionally act smugly so as to provide others with a welcome break from my usual smug-free demeanour, as well as to hand out a free cookie now and then.

After a few failed attempts, I can now guffaw with the best of them and I couldn't be happier or more existentially unencumbered.

When stopped on the street and asked, I always respond "no thanks, I don't have time to complete your survey" followed by "animals are cuter when they are smaller which is why I only view animals from a distance" before I pull off the best damn impersonation of a human impersonating a rabbit that anyone has ever seen.

It's true what they say, I am not only a walking paradox, but I also have cat-like reflexes and I chop vegetables like it's going out of style.