When the lights are on at my house, somebody is home and when they are off, I can't see at all, so while I'm pretty sure I am still home, I could have wandered aimlessly into the woods.
I am often gassy which I blame completely on Big Oil and Gas.
Allergy alert! I may contain peanut butter, cashew butter, almond butter and/or other tree nut butters as well as a significant amount of bread and jam.
I live life on the edge by swimming 29 minutes after eating and proudly deal with the resulting cramps. I have contemplated giving myself even less time, but don't want to appear like I'm showing off.
Sometimes I grow a beard as I am trying to hide something.
I'm trying to convince myself that it is totally random, but why won't any of those balls bounce my way.
Not only do I dream that I'm a frisbee, but I'm trying to live more like one in my waking hours as well.
Once and a while, after not shaving, I am much-moustachioed.
I do wear glasses to increase the chances that a random passerby will ask me a skill testing question.
Everything on me right now is for sale for exactly $1.
To the best of my ability, I made sure that an entire village was used in raising me. No one got off easy.
I am proud to say that I am fully three-dimensional and am considering upgrading to four in the near future.
Videotaping me and showing the tape without my expressed written consent can result in a $5000 fine and/or jail time.
When I splurge and get the best shampoo and soap, I am treated afterward to a wonderfully soft and smooth coat.
I have been known to walk around town whistling a happy tune that is unfortunately significantly marred by my inability to really whistle.
When I splurge and get the best shampoo and soap, I am treated afterward to a wonderfully soft and smooth coat.
I have been known to walk around town whistling a happy tune that is unfortunately significantly marred by my inability to really whistle.
No matter how hard I try, I can only write cheques that my butt can't cash. Honestly, after multiple attempts I am still no closer to accomplishing this at all.
I wear earplugs to tune the world around me out and I also enjoy some cool jazz at the same time.
Even if the owl has called my name, everything those owls say sound the same. How am I supposed to know if he is talking to me?
I always eat with my eyes first and, depending on how messy I have been, the meal at the restaurant prematurely ends there.
Even when the sun sets on my day, I always respectfully keep on going for a while to show my appreciation for all of its hard work.
I am watching the pot boil. Now I am watching it boil over. And my pasta is overcooked and stuck to the bottom of the pot. When can I stop watching this pot? Anyone?
My shadow is so tall and lean and almost definitely mocking me.
With increasing frequency, I know what time it is and what people are talking about.
I believe I can fly. In other news, I am an incredibly broken man.
I wear earplugs to tune the world around me out and I also enjoy some cool jazz at the same time.
Even if the owl has called my name, everything those owls say sound the same. How am I supposed to know if he is talking to me?
I always eat with my eyes first and, depending on how messy I have been, the meal at the restaurant prematurely ends there.
Even when the sun sets on my day, I always respectfully keep on going for a while to show my appreciation for all of its hard work.
I am watching the pot boil. Now I am watching it boil over. And my pasta is overcooked and stuck to the bottom of the pot. When can I stop watching this pot? Anyone?
My shadow is so tall and lean and almost definitely mocking me.
With increasing frequency, I know what time it is and what people are talking about.
I believe I can fly. In other news, I am an incredibly broken man.
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