Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Do You Know How I Feel?

Sometimes I feel like I'm a three hundred foot tall clay statue of myself with disproportionately small ears that would make it very hard for me to hear both compliments and criticisms alike and they would result in other statues appearing to have huge, ugly ears in comparison as well as giving the impression that whomever built me just ran out of clay.

And sometimes I feel like I my body is covered with extra layers of skin that I could moult off like a snake, except that instead of just shedding it at no financial gain, I would try to either sell it as is, or create some amazing skin-related art that will be equal parts awe-inspiring and disgusting.

Then there are times when I feel like I am being followed by shady men wearing black suits, hats and sunglasses all top-of-the-line designer articles of clothing that make them less intimidating and more subjects of envy with the end result being me feeling totally under-dressed and quite poor.

Sometimes I feel like the earth is moving under my feet and other times I don't as both of my feet are asleep from sitting cross-legged for long periods of time on a hardwood floor.

There are also others times when I feel like eating nothing but nut products and I won't be satisfied with run-of-the-mill products - I want to stretch the boundaries of creativity and eat things made from nuts that will knock my socks off and that is saying a lot, seeing as I have recently started duct taping my socks on in case of a flood.

From time to time, I also feel like books are being written by a large collective of strange and elusive authors whose main purpose is to make me feel uneducated, confused and Russian.

I also wake from a deep sleep and feel that everything in my life is a cliche mostly because of all of the hard work I have dedicated towards that goal and I feel quite satisfied with a small twinge of worry that I have wasted my glory years on a project that is definitely not worth writing home about not even on a small postcard.

Then there are the times that I feel like a great big teddy bear who is constantly being eyed from a distance by all of the other dolls, Barbies and stuffed animals almost like I'm guilty of something heinous or I'm too furry and every time I enter and exit the room the others appear to be closer and closer and staring more and more intensely like they are trying to bore a hole through my forehead or are planning to remove my stuffing and use it for insulation for a new clubhouse that I clearly won't be invited to, or possibly it's just me.

Others times I feel like I wish I could design a whole new type of table as all currently accepted forms of tables seem to be mocking me thus making it really difficult for me to get through even the smallest snack without shedding tears.

Sometimes I feel like I got off on the wrong foot with letters as I reserved my love and appreciation for their cousins, the numbers, and displayed it so passionately and publicly often in the most flamboyant means I could creatively orchestrate never quite thinking about about the consequences and how much I would need the letters in the grand scheme of things.

And there are those times when I wish I had a lisp and that I had to visit a gorgeous and mysterious speech pathologist who not only would train me to speak properly but also how to love again only to make me regret, years later, all of the money I spent visiting her as I still had a lisp, but only when I type.

Then there are days when I feel like a dog who is being trained and groomed for a big dog show only to lose despite having a glossy coat and a stately gate due to judging that had obviously been bought off and the fact that I am struggling with bladder control.

Sometimes I feel like I am a corn plant growing among thousands of other corn plants and though we all look eerily similar and will produce corn of equal flavour and quality, I have a feeling that the angry, vindictive farmer hates me because I refuse to conform and grow completely vertically.

And then there are those times when I feel like I'm covered with glue or have somehow become magnetic or grown infinitely more tacky then I am currently and this always coincides with times when I haven't bathed in ages and have been messing around in the arts and crafts drawer despite numerous warnings  to stay far away knowing my tendencies. 

There are also those times that I feel like a sheet of paper just waiting to be written  on or possibly folded or even waved in the air to emphasize a point or signal a surrender in case a flag wasn't at hand and although I am quite thin, I am convinced in moments of weakness, that the other pieces of paper look much better.

Other times I feel like someone has shrunk my entire body so that I am housed entirely on another regular-sized person's (who somehow avoided the shrinking ray - for lack of a better term, as in no way was it a ray, it was more of a whole body experience sort of like a trip to a massage therapist who hasn't trimmed their nails often enough or a swim in the ocean without a wetsuit which doesn't matter at all because it is actually quite warm and you are really only taking a dip and not a swim as it is almost lunch time) big toe nail and that someone even smaller is living on my toenail and so on and so on and this is all well and good until the toe nail I am on, and the person who owns it, decide to go for a world-shaking manicure.

And then there are those times when I feel like running amok but when I finally finish brushing my hair and teeth, putting on my running shoes and stretching my sore hamstring and go outside, I notice that there are already too many others who had the same idea and I prefer running amok in solitude.

Then there are those others times when I sort feel like someone is chocking me and, after carefully surveying the situation, I determine that someone is - thankfully they are either not very strong or are not trying their hardest as they are momentarily distracted by the aroma of freshly baked muffins.

Sometimes I feel like a wheel that keeps turning and turning around and is frankly getting fairly bored with all of the turning and would be interested in trying something new.

And there are those times when I feel like my younger self and I wish I could somehow share the wisdom I've gained over the years, give tips about ways to avoid certain pitfalls in the future and suggest ways to be happy and make lots of money (tip #1 - don't invest too much in balms) but it is so hard to communicate with a zygote.

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