I Embrace Randomness

I find myself walking east on a busy sidewalk while everyone else and their dogs are walking west. I'm tempted to reverse my course, to fit in, but I must buy myself a shirt as the wind chill is bracing to say the least.

You are swimming in the lake, wondering how the experience would be different if the lake was deep enough to demonstrate the synchronized swimming techniques you were forced to learn as a child.

I am roasting winter vegetables. It is the middle of the summer, but I am just so hungry.

You are travelling to Japan attempting to buy a really large tuna to make a huge sandwich for the company picnic. That will teach them to make fun of your tuna salad sandwich making abilities.

I am playing a new game I invented where I pretend that I am trapped inside a block of ice just waiting for it to thaw. Some days, the ice melts quickly and other days I am stuck inside this ice block for hours forcing me to order in.

You have just bought 20 lbs of fresh, baby spinach and have decided to cover yourself in a big pile of dark green, leafy goodness. You are little upset that no one you know is even slightly surprised.

I am making my bed and I keep having to straighten the sheets as I am attempting to mentally solve simultaneous algebraic equations at the same time and they always make me twitch.

You are excitedly eating carrot stick after carrot stick in an attempt to "get to" that annoying, know-it-all bunny I gave you for your birthday. 

I have decided to cut my hair, only this time as an ode to Escher.

You are utilizing increasingly more symbolism in your speech to the point where we are all pleading for a little bit of realism.

I long to return to the jungle.

You spend hours drawing silly, round, cartoonish faces on a large piece of white paper on the floor only taking a short intermission to go online to mock your friends for having silly, round and cartoonish faces.

I have decided to police the police.

You have made a resolution to do more glazing, especially, but not limited to, cakes.

I have opened the door to the outside, I pause momentarily and, after looking back one last time, I cross over to the other side. What a view!

You have finally decided to pay your fees to the club and now we have nothing left to talk about aside from your ridiculous love of turtleneck sweaters.

I will admit it, I'm addicted to that feeling I get when I have just finished a long run, and have come home and have an awesome shower and then I change into some nice clean clothes and then I go downstairs and eat all of the chocolate I can get my hands on and then I get "the shakes" from too many sweets and then I have to drink tons of milk and finally I lay down on the couch and watch some crappy reality TV. That feeling. 

I will only blow bubbles on Fridays adding to my father's considerable amount of shame.

You have harvested the pumpkin from your garden and make an incredible pie that is enjoyed by all. After the guests have all gone home, you sit at the table looking at the crumb-filled empty pie pan,  slowly caressing the stem that was once attached to the pumpkin and you sigh. Never have you felt so alone.

I have made it my goal to quench as many people's thirsts as possible without having to go too far out of my way. I mean if they are near by or want to come over, but aside from that they can get their own cold drinks. I mean what am I, a mobile, refreshment provider?!!?! What's that you say? My business card says that I am? Fine then, just don't expect a large variety of drinks or a smile.

You are itching my back and laughing like a little school girl the whole time. Another win win experience for both of us.

I am wearing old ratty clothes and haven't bathed or brushed my hair for days. You, on the other hand, look marvellous. You're welcome!

You are suspiciously cute.

I wish that I could go back in time, sneak up on you and tickle you. I guess I could just tickle you now, but for some reason I long to tickle you in the past as I regret passing up on that opportunity when it presented itself.

You drive like a madman in the middle of the night, nostrils flaring, eyes ablaze, looking like a crazed wolf-man and screaming at the top of your lungs about your love of butterflies and tulips.

I am steaming cauliflower, mastering the art of origami, and straining my hips while attempting an extreme yoga position all in an attempt to woo you.

You are collecting shells and seaweed from the local beach as your master has commanded. You have many concerns and questions about your master and his grand plan, but the free roast beef is too good to walk away from.

I love mindlessly wandering in a grassy expanse. I love reading dictionary entries while working on my biceps. I love flapping my arms like wings and gaily leaping up and down in front of my house, forcing all passersby to quickly cross to the other side. I love sitting by myself next to a nice warm bath. I embrace randomness.