The Illusion of Choice

It's been exceptionally hard to buy food for my dog since he adopted a gluten and lactose free diet. He does look really good though.

I'm glad that my wife isn't able to actually take my breath away. Or that if she can, she doesn't. 

Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if I was a towel, or at least more like a towel then I currently am.

If I have to be punched in the face, I'd like to have just eaten a decadent chocolate cake. They are so delicious.

It would be great if I would never regret things I have done and only regret things I haven't done. 

I have just finished all of my preparations and I am finally ready. If you give me the opportunity, I will literally knock your socks off.

I would so dye my eyebrows dark black to make myself appear more sinister if I could be guaranteed not to blind myself.

For once I want to be the figure of speech. 

I just can't stand arrogant people, except my neighbour Dez, because he takes arrogance to a beautiful and graceful place.

I am looking for a new car in the "want" ads but am feeling a bit uneasy as it seems like "would like" would be more polite. 

If it were me, I'd be super excited to be the shirt chosen to be worn in the morning. It's like winning the lottery to be away from those creepy pants for a day.

Call me crazy....thanks.

It's really hard to be passively aggressive with someone you truly love. The other day I was by myself and I gave myself the silent treatment all afternoon plus I purposely burnt my own toast. That certainly taught me. At least I wasn't actually aggressive with myself- the neighbours would start to talk. 

Sometimes as the morning draws to a close I daydream about an awesome bizarro Earth where evening comes next as afternoons often make my blood boil. 

I am working on feeling more irrationally confident.

Every morning when I put a pony tail in my daughter's hair I always shake my head at those poor old ponies who aren't even collecting royalty cheques.

My goal for the next year is to say "BOOM!!!!" at work more often and have it make total sense to everyone.

I've realized that the illusion of choice is not as much fun as actual choice especially when I am aware of the illusion and even more so when I created the illusion myself.

Nothing makes me feel more powerful then knitting. I didn't say it made me feel powerful, just that nothing else does either.

I am both frustrated and appreciative of the renegade curls on my head. I am frustrated that they won't stop sticking out, but I can't help but applaud their need to be individuals. My teenage self could have learned so much from those independently-minded curls.

I feel like I am almost being tortured, but it is probably closer to being toasted, with the role of the toast being played by me. I also auditioned for the role of the toaster, but was turned down- stupid typecasting.

I am really wired tonight and I'm also wide awake and jacked up on too much chocolate, which may explain why I am playing with all of these wires.

Some days I just want to wrap myself up in a blanket and stay in bed and other days I wonder where my blanket and bed are- then I realize I'm at work.

I don't mind my wife planning all the time. It is the fact that she laughs maniacally while she does it that makes me slightly uneasy.

Brushing my teeth is often a moment of pure, unadulterated bliss, but most of the time it is ridiculously boring. 

Someone told me the other day that you know you are losing it when you start talking to the walls. And I chuckled to myself, and thought this guy must really be losing it if he is talking to a guy who talks to walls. I mean he can't even build up the courage to talk to walls directly?!?

I've decided to stop making jokes about rabbits because as funny as they may be, the repeated joking is starting to feel cruel. But it is so hard not to do it!

My friends have asked me to stop referring to them as scrumptious.