Pyramids Are So Yesterday

I am washing, drying and putting away the dishes after eating dinner, resisting the desire to practice skeet shooting - in case you were wondering why I was doing it all so quickly.

You are running down a quiet, dusty road, mentally calculating quotients and devising new ways of displaying soup cans at the local grocery store. Pyramids are so yesterday.

I often escape to a magical land where everyone is an accountant, mortician or librarian. I am instantly one of the most interesting and dynamic people there and am the toast of the town. That is until Felix moves in.

You spend your afternoons peeling celery. "Yet another major step towards freedom," you say. "But we were all freed last month" we want to say, except we are all enjoying the seemingly never-ending string-less celery sticks too much.

I climb up the same stairs I climbed down as a young man. I can't believe I spent so many years "down there."

You have decided to grow a huge Afro as  a tribute or a protest or a means for "accidentally" knocking over ice cream cones.

I arrive home and my cats seem angry with me. I go out and come back a little later and my cats are ultra-affectionate. I take a nap and wake to my cats being angry again. Is it too much to ask for some consistency here?

You are opening cans of worms which is fittingly annoying for all involved. Don't you understand the ramifications of your actions and the trouble you are needlessly causing? And what a waste of worms!

I wish I was a tree of a man, instead of just a twig of a boy. I'd even settle for being a tree of a woman, although that may disrupt the social order amongst the other tree women I know.

You just bought a restaurant-sized tub of mayonnaise. Who owns more mayonnaise now?!?!

I have decided to fulfill my lifelong dream of travelling to Japan, but I have to wake up first. It is actually really complicated as I have dreamed that I want to fulfill my dream, so the actual trip may take awhile to come to fruition.

You recently bought a new, fancy 8-speed blender and have decided to drink everything for the next while. It is your latest salvo against "the solids".

I am wearing my dad's old shirt as it was the style at the time.

You are in Mexico looking for the best taco and you realize that you forgot to record your favourite daytime soap opera. Then it hits you that your boss was only joking when she said "viva la revolution" which you took as a passive aggressive way of recommending you work out more often. A cactus on the side of the road reminds you of a spiky, branch-less, short, squat tree and you have a sudden urge to do "the worm". "All in a day's work," you think ironically.

I look at the sky and see a wondrous sunset and wish it was slightly less awe-inspiring as it is making me question my self-esteem. What a waste of money those classes were after all.

You have decided to take "it" all with you.

I don't care what others say or do, but I refuse to take drugs to increase the size of my neck. I come from a long line of proud, slender-necked people.

You first metaphorically broke out of your shackles, then you figuratively slayed the dragon, before finally and literally reading the tea leaves.

I admire the ocean - the ebbing and flowing, the waxing and waning, and the never-ending undulating waves. I can sit and stare at the ocean for hours upon hours drinking it in with all of my senses - you can see why my therapist has their work cut out for them.

You are spending your afternoon jumping to conclusions which is both entertaining and highly unpredictable for your friends and loved ones.

I have been told to pull my knee to my shoulder for a great stretch. As promised, despite the almost debilitating pain, It is an awesome stretch. Unfortunately there aren't a whole lot of practical tasks or activites that involve touching your knee to your shoulder once it is there.

You dream of square dancing. In this dream you are a champion square dancer who wows the crowd, impressing the men and making the women swoon. At the end of a particularly rousing number, everyone stops and gives you a standing ovation. You come back down to earth quickly upon awaking and remembering that you have to clean the toilet and as good a job as you may do there will be no applause.

I leave my house and I am confronted with a huge angry mob. The crowd is surly and seething. After a moment's pause you realize that this is a job for grandma's delectable lemon bars. GET TO WORK GRANDMA!!!!

You have spent the summer studying macroeconomics and have decided to set up a lemonade stand. After a few days it is clear that you have no clue about macroeconomics or how to make lemonade.

I bought a fully-operational firefighting hose and I am just looking for one excuse to spray everyone. Don't test me or I will spray you and everyone you know. 

You observe your neighbourhood. Seasons come and go. People get married and have kids. A new tree is planted, a fence painted, the street repaired. And through it all that freakin' dog just won't stop its incessant barking!!! You aren't a violent person, but you find yourself hoping that something tragic would "happen" to that dog. 

I just got a library card! I'm going to learn to read! Watch out world- here I come! Next on my list, learning to play the jazz flute followed closely after by how to tame wild animals. Finally, I want to learn to crochet. Good thing I made a list.