Season's Greetings From The Greens

Another exciting and busy year for the Green Family is coming to an end. In many ways the year felt sort of like a skit from Saturday Night Live – short, full of funny and enjoyable moments - except that the majority of their scenes are completely exhausting, minimally humorous and go and on and on - which is actually like our year as well. Days and weeks went flying by and it is incredible that we are almost at 2012, which will hopefully be very unlike John Cusack’s family’s life in the movie 2012 and a whole lot less excruciatingly dreadful to experience (could I somehow get that 2 ½ hours back?). We all have our health, and for that we are thankful. I could make a list of things we are not thankful for, and the first thing could be aunt Maddie's fruitcake! I kid, I kid (seriously it's all kinds of horrible as food, but surprisingly useful as grout).

2011 was a year of setting and forgetting goals. As always saving money was a main goal (not as much for the kids, whose personal goals were cutting back on carbs, experimenting with new ways to torture each other and spending more time in forts and castles). Initial plans for how to save money involved eating less pork (not no pork, mind you, that would be crazy talk, just significantly less), only turning the heat on every other evening and buying fewer luxury items like purple satin place mats with matching housecoats. Of course, the decision-makers in the family decided the best way to conserve funds was for the parents to go to Japan, one of the most expensive places to visit on Earth, for 12 days. The kids got treated to a spa and massage package at Grandma and Grandpa’s palatial estate, while mom and dad were treated to the upper-belly of the Land of the Rising Sun – incredible Kabuki theatrical shows, an exciting Sumo match, multiple museums, amazing sushi restaurants and samurai lessons. The only downside of the trip was the ridiculously cold temperatures – we never found out the exact wind chill on the coldest day, but its quite possible some our extremities are now permanently blue. Aside from trying to save money, two other, more achievable goals were to paint the town red at least once a month and to buy more red paint.

In 2011, the Greens took up some new hobbies. The parents took a few courses in deboning and trussing poultry. Hours upon hours of our free time were used perfecting the craft. The kitchen was like a chaotic maze of bird feathers, tendons and string for much of February and March. In the spring, the entire family got into collecting bath salts and taking unsalted baths often dangling the salts over the bath, as if to tease and tempt ourselves with the salty goodness. We are trying to eliminate all salt-teasing on principle alone, except, of course, the use of soy sauce as a medium for taunting, as it results in much hilarity. In the heart of the summer, we were doing our best to stay healthy and play outside and the activity that monopolized our time were survival games in the nearby forest. We went one whole week catching our own food, bathing in the small streams and re-purposing bushes, leaves and sticks into both makeshift shelters and clothing. At the end of the week, we all returned to the comforts of our home with multiple cuts and bruises. The one upside is how smooth my skin was after being covered by caked on mud for seven days. It is true what they say, you do learn much about your seven year old when the two of you have to fight over the last wildberry. In the fall, the family turned to indoor hobbies and this year we decided to collect pine cones that resembled people and photos of people who would make awesome pine cones. 

It was an amazing year and, of course, the leading roles in this play were the scene-stealing kids. The kids continue to be the most incredible little boys that are equal parts intelligent, exhausting, funny, exhausting, playful, exhausting and beautiful. Easily the cutest, most amazing boys we've ever seen - we did conduct a cross-continental, exhaustive, completely non-objective search to find the most amazing boys and ours won and the rest of you are losers (thanks for participating though). This year, young thirteen-year-old Steven started to show real entrepreneurial skills when he converted our kitchen into his own store renting out plates, napkins and the use of the salt and pepper shakers and selling food either as completed dishes or served a la carte. When we argued that we in fact bought and cooked the food and that it made no sense at all that he was then turning around and re-selling the eating and drinking of this food, he got really angry. There was the threat of lashing and more lashing and a ban from the store. You have to admire his business acumen at the same as being frustrated that the prices are bordering on illegal (a few calls were placed to the Better Business Bureau, but their investigation found nothing. It is hard to press charges when he is just so smart and cute and he did start offering us a 2.5% kickback). His younger brother, Bruce turned seven this year and was completely enthralled with skating. Not actually skating mind you, just the whole skating culture and the mechanics of the sport. He would spend hours in his room watching frame-by-frame skating competitions taking 9-10 hours to watch a 5 minute routine. Afterwards he would make these impressive three-dimensional skaters out of modelling clay and analyze the event and his experience watching it on his video-blog that had thousands of followers. Bruce tracked the lives of the top skaters like they were rockstars and his room was covered not with the pictures of the skaters he loved, but with pictures of himself watching the skaters he loved. He dreams now of becoming part of an elite skating entourage or failing that a neuroscientist (we aren't sure if that will be his hobby next year - following the lives and near-criminal underbelly of the whole neuroscience scene).

June marked the end of elementary school for our little Steven and he aced his standardized PHSAT (pre-high school aptitude test) and with his brother, embarked on a serious, regimented, intensive summer program of parks, pools, playgrounds and beaches. The summer truly was a special time – the boys are such a great pair and have so much positive energy. Steven took early morning swimming lessons while Bruce and dad enjoyed relaxing in the hot tub. Then Bruce had his mid-morning lesson, while Steven and dad enjoyed the hot tub. Then Steven and Bruce went to the pool to have fun with flippers and snorkels and dad enjoyed the hot tub. Then it was lunch and, only then, after hours in the pool, did someone think to check on dad in the hot tub. I mean I didn't move for hours and no one thought to check on me?!?!?! Even when I didn't respond to questions or flinch or make a noise when that seagull flew into me?1?!? Anyways...hours upon hours were spent biking in the park, building sand castles on the beach and swinging on the swings. Much fun was had by all. The only unfortunate result of the summer was that dad had to go through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy to recover from the trauma associated with being exposed to so many surrounded by screaming kids and their nannies (who also, occasionally screamed). Throughout the summer we visited over 35 different parks and playgrounds as part of an longitudinal study of mine looking for a direct correlation between hours in parks to the rise of certain beta-peptides. The evidence is inconclusive so far, mostly due to the bottle of sunscreen that was accidentally poured onto my computer when I thought a small red spider had landed on my nose. This spring and summer also involved many many hours biking up and down the driveway in front of our town house. Mom spent many jealous hours working and plotting against management. Not wanting to give too much away, but she is trying to take them down slowly and subtly from the inside or with the use of excessive force from the outside or just to drink fewer espressos. Check twitter for updates! The best part of her day was always the huge scream “MOM!!!!” from the boys when she came home from work followed closely by the screams of the boys racing away from her while she playfully ran after them with a bat. Oh mom! Such a jokester! Days were long in the summer for all of us, but much more so for mom who was routinely and literally rolling out of bed at 5am to go to the gym to workout every morning before work. In the most flattering way imaginable, she could be described as a “hot zombie” in those early-mornings. In a more accurate, realistic way she is starting to scare us all, especially when she rolls over in the night and her abs nearly crush my esophagus.

Evenings, lazy afternoons and rainy days were filled with reading, painting, practicing water torturing techniques and mind games. The first half of the year was dominated by an addiction to puzzles and frosting, while the second half has seen the focus shift seismically to games and pudding. What typical family activity and dessert fixation will come next? (My money is on creating rock gardens and flan) As Bruce has grown, he has become more focused and is able to not only sit still and play by the rules, but has, very very quickly, already started challenging Steven’s supremacy in games. Steven may be older, but Bruce is playing with a fuller deck if you know what I mean (a couple of Steven's clubs went missing a few months ago). Steven is still the stronger of the two, but he is having to really try (Bruce doesn’t get any freebies or help from Steven anymore like he used to). Both boys are very good winners and not so good at losing, but the “ha! ha! you lost”, the “I only want to play if I can win” and "give me the money you owe me or I'll cut you" comments have been replaced by crying and burying the head in the couch and occasionally some small appreciation for the other brother who was victorious. This has all happened somewhat organically, but I have to admit that the family gambling anonymous meetings did help a lot. Both boys still get ultra excited (in a bit of a sad way) whenever dad seemingly miraculously wins a game that doesn't involve solely luck. The boys will scream "yeah" and give me a big hug that is equal parts congratulatory and sympathetic when I win. Dad may have to start trying much harder soon so the boys don’t get the impression that dad is “special” and a bit of an idiot. The way things are going, even if dad starts really trying, we've got us some smart cookies and dad may not fare too well regardless. 

When summer turned to fall, dad’s tomatoes were still green (maybe someday he’ll learn you can’t grow tomatoes when no part of your backyard is considered full sun), and leaves started to change colour. The family spent much time collecting and sorting fallen leaves. Initially we sorted based on colour, then we re-sorted based on size, and finally settled on arranging them based on a detailed 10-point rubric that took days to arrive at. September was the start of many new and exciting activities for the family – mom attempted to relive her more youthful days by growing her hair out, going to the gym and joining a cult; Steven began his high school career and Bruce enjoyed some extended time without his big brother. It is always very heart-warming to see the boys say goodbye to each other in the mornings – there are very occasional unprompted big hugs and “I’ll really miss you's" from both boys. Much more often they either lean in and touch foreheads and murmur what sounds like ancient Sanskrit or perform an intricate skit all in mime. As far as Dad is concerned, I utilized what little free time I had in the fall plotting revenge on my enemies, making freshly baked cookies for my friends, and preparing very mediocre, nearly-revengeful cookies for my acquaintances. I also wove a lot. All in all the family was happy and healthy, aside from the "melted cheese" incidence that is too long and totally inappropriate for an all-ages greeting card to go into right now.

The beginning of grade 8 has not been without its growing pains for Steven – learning to navigate the multitude of different relationships and stay “on” for the entire day has been challenging. All who work with him have noted that he is quite bright, complex, has a strong voice and is very confident. Bruce has enjoyed the time without big brother – Steven tends to dominate the scene when present, and Bruce has come into his own this fall and has really enjoyed the school year. He is a funny little kid, who, from a very early age, has been able to push all of Steven’s buttons. Bruce really enjoys being silly and we have a variety of games we play at home that involve various family members pretending to be monsters – we have “the momster”, “towel monsters”, "pillow monsters” and the increasingly more sinister monsters that dad has derived that has given everyone an ongoing case of the "night shrieks". Bruce loves saying “ROAR” and running around the island in the kitchen trying to chase one of the cats. Both boys, annoyingly so, still see the cats more as “playthings” and less as actual living things with feelings. Mom and dad are trying to learn to stop yelling “leave the cats alone!” as that approach doesn't seem to be working and instead have tried ignoring the torture or treating the kids how they are treating the cats. In fact, one weekend in November, I petted Steven for four consecutive hours and mom, sat on Bruce and pulled his ears while watching the news. Bruce is like a little comedian right now - but every joke or sentence when he is being silly involves “poop”. Just a mention of the word “poop” and he breaks down in uncontrollable laughter. "What do you want for dinner?", "How was school?" and "Why are you howling like a wolf?" all are answered with the single word "poop". It's funny how a young boy can share the same taste in humour with gross-out comedians! Steven can frequently be heard yelling “please stop saying poop!” – which is one of those things we will all look back on and laugh someday unless he is still saying it as an adult while sitting, shaking in the corner, swatting at invisible moths.

To say mom has been busy would be an understatement. To put it simply and clearly, try to imagine someone who is very busy. Got it? Okay now try to imagine someone who is even busier. How are we doing? Mom is even busier than that. I hope that is clear now. Her picture should be in the dictionary next to the word busy (there are a few others words I'd place her picture next to if I was offered a two-for-one dictionary picutre placing deal). While mom has been working like a slave only with infinitely more freedom, absolutely zero racist remarks and next-to-no reprehensible treatment from her husband, dad has had the tough task of getting the kids up and out of the house on time in the mornings. A task that has gotten slightly easier as the routine solidified and also harder as the mornings have become darker. We are sure that an outsider viewing the daily scene of two giggling boys running around often naked upstairs with dad barking “you have to get dressed now!”, "maybe I'll just take you to school naked!" and "you will let me brush your teeth now!" would say “awww, so cute”. The morning rush often takes on a “Groundhog Day”-esque feel to it down to exact conversations being repeated ad nauseum, cajoling the kids to somehow eat their toast faster, to putting on their own socks, to letting dad easily brush their teeth, to putting on their coats and shoes without being asked and to putting off their plans of world domination until they have each passed grade 10. Not that mom has a break – she is up significantly earlier and is out of the house on her way to the gym and is currently having to manage some complicated, time-consuming tasks at work that occasionally result in lipstick being smudged. The boys have stopped asking “where’s mom” and I've stopped saying that mom has upgraded to a better, less-Jewish family in Los Angeles (although the joke is on her, because as we all know, many of the better families in Los Angeles are Jewish). At 8:45pm when the kids are finally asleep in bed (or quietly singing to themselves in the dark – something that would be creepy if in a horror film) and the kitchen is clean and lunches are made – mom and dad enjoy some alone time, zonked out on the couch watching cooking shows with cats clawing at us and meowing for more food.

As you can tell, the year has been busy and, while it is often hard to catch your breath and not be exhausted, hopefully you can tell that we haven’t lost our sense of humour! As tired as we ever are, we see our boys growing up fast before our eyes and it is exciting and also hard not to get choked up and emotional that time is flying by. As much as we try to live in the present, it is impossible not to think about how much we will miss these years with our two little boys when they are teenagers who don’t want to be tickled all the time and carried upside down.

Some plans for 2012 include practicing smiling only using our eyes, spending Friday evenings counter-intuitively or counter-productively but never at the same time- possibly alternating weeks, learning a new language for the purpose of espionage, working on our back bends and developing our own line of bathroom soaps and hair gels. And, of course, putting aside some more time to just reflect, appreciate and enjoy what we are so fortunate to have in our lives - we have chosen March. If the end of 2011 is any indication, 2012 is sure to be an incredible year for the Greens and we wish the best for all of you as well - not quite as good as us but close.

Thanks for reading! We hope everyone is happy, healthy and able to spend good quality time with their loved ones this winter and that we can see and/or hear from everyone in the New Year. Take care and all the best! Now if I could only get rid of this embarrassing rash...