I wish

I wish my knees easily bent both ways. I imagine this would significantly curtail the awkward moments of silence in my life or, conversely, yield a whole lot more.

I wish I could grow such a long beard that it would render my need for central heating moot.

I wish that I could bounce my friend like a ball and that my ball had curly hair like my friend.

I wish I "passed the eye test".

I wish that my wife could travel back in time to last Friday and make me laugh really hard. It was a pretty slow and boring Friday.

I wish that I could "take it to the house" and "drop the boom" more frequently.

I wish I could speak to my dog. Then I could call out "do you hear me dog?" and she'd say "yes! For the thousandth time, yes!"

I wish I could be magnanimous or sanctimonious, because after many attempts at each, I clearly have no clue what I'm doing. 

I wish I could fly and that I could provide people rides because maybe it would force airlines to offer better snacks.

I wish that impromptu pillow fights would break out during rush hour traffic. Sure we'd all get home late, but think of the feathery fun!

I wish I could read people's minds as I promised my teacher I'd read for 30 minutes a day. 

I wish that the woman at my door trying to sell me a subscription to a magazine I couldn't care less about would ask me out on a date, just so I could have an excuse to wash my hair as it is getting a bit greasy.

I wish I could receive a non-sarcastic Valentine's Day card.

I wish I could find a perfectly smooth little pebble that I could take home and put on top of my desk. I could spend some free, daydreaming moments gazing at my small pebble. Over time the pebble would gather dust and I would often feel like I was neglecting it. For fun, on the last Sunday of each month, I would put it on the lawn in the backyard and I would lay next to it feeling complete. If only I could find that perfectly smooth pebble.

I wish that both cute puppy dogs and ugly puppy dogs could go through life loved and cared for and also that the ugly ones could be cuter.

I wish I could snap, because silent, lame snaps as I toss my head back and say "whateva" before dramatically leaving the room are not having the full effect I'm looking for.

I wish that I could dunk a basketball and hang an extra second on the rim and view the world from that perspective for a while. I imagine that it is glorious.

I wish that the man at the grocery store would stop winking at me knowingly whenever I purchased kale.

I wish that an opportunity would arise where I could say "the chickens have come back to roost" and be have it be completely literal without having to live, work or visit an actual farm.

I wish I could teach the world to sing, albeit not in perfect harmony as that would only serve to remind me how bad I am at singing.

I wish I could meet a person who is actually black and someone else who is actually white. While I'm at it I'd also like some smoked salmon on pumpernickel bagel - that's some good eating!

I wish I was a renegade master, but I just don't have the time or dedication to my craft.

I wish I "had hops", that I could "climb the ladder", that I "had big ups", that I "was a skyscraper".

I wish I had spray-on clothes.

I wish that I could wave my hand and a bowl of ice cream would be delivered to me and with a wave of my other hand I could have a clean shave. If I had a third hand it would be confusing how to clap.

I wish that all people around the world could be treated equally regardless of ethnicity, religion, gender and colour except for those people with double-jointed elbows - those people are freaks!

I wish no one would be "thrown under the bus" for the rest of the month.

I wish that actual bears were as cuddly and adorable as teddy bears and a whole lot less likely to maul.

I wish I had a huge bowl of water to dump on your head. Let's just say you had it coming.

I wish someone would call.