Monday, January 27, 2014

Am I a Bunny?

I eat carrots, bunnies eat carrots, am I a bunny? Most evidence would seem to indicate no, but I've learned the hard way not to argue with logic.

My daughters swim all day. Fish swim all day. Though not fish, if I drip the liquid from sardine, salmon and tuna cans on them while they sleep they smell the part.

Socrates was wise, wore a toga and wrote some of the world's most famous philosophical ideas, my brother is wise and yet his most proud achievement is learning to break dance. My brother could be more like Socrates if only I bought and convinced him to wear a toga.

I love running in the wind, cheetahs run in the wind (though it has yet to be proven if they love it) and we are both covered with spots. I'll allow you to draw your own conclusions.

Moles dig holes in my backyard, a gardener also digs holes in my backyard. Is my gardener a mole - and by that I am utilizing all definitions of the word mole- I am open to his possibly being a government informant and also a mole-man who incessantly digs holes and tunnels- in fact he is probably both plus he either has a massive growth on his face or else he has a rare disorder that results in two noses.

My wife yodels, Swiss people yodel, my wife must be Swiss. She vehemently claims that she isn't (neutrality really annoys her) all the while arranging Toblerone and Emmental dessert trays.

Cool people surf on massive waves. Cool people also read Vogue. Try doing both at the same time and the world is your oyster.

My cat cleans herself with her paw and her own saliva, I also clean myself that way. Explain to me why one is cute and adorable and the other is cause for concern.

I love bouncing up and down. My big purple ball bounces up and down. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I am worried, but as a precaution I throw away all of my daughter's purple crayons and markers.

My big puffy coat is padded, my new room at the institute is also padded. The main difference between the two is that one makes me comfy and warm and the other protects the world from my irrational thoughts and God complex.

The next door neighbour often moos like a cow. Cows, I am told, also moo like cows. My neighbour is not a cow I tell everyone who asks, though I do appreciate the free milk.

My hair is bushy, bushes are also bushy. People are often envious of my curly hair, and while I am appreciative of these complements, I'm always hoping the next time a squirrel or bird tries to live in my hair will be the last.

Those beats are funky, the smell from my shoes is also funky, put them together - can you dig the funk?

My lamp lights up the room. You also light up the room. And youuuuu light up my liiiifffffeeee! If you need me I'll be sitting in the corner punishing myself for being so corny.

Scissors cut things. Knives can also cut things. But remember scissors and knives shouldn't be used to cut people only things.

Giraffes have long necks. My ex-girlfriend has a long neck. She also eats mostly leaves and yearned to return to her long-necked, leaf-eating family in the Africa jungle.

I put some bread in the toaster and a minute later you have toast! When we play tennis, you are also toast. Day after day, I am slowly turning the world into toast one piece of bread or you at a time.

My wife has decided to replace all of the doors in our house with beads on strings. A hypnotist I read about on the internet also uses bead strings instead of doors. I've also noticed that I have this odd desire to wash the car and refinish the deck this week.

Leftover food in the fridge is wrapped in foil. As a prank some local hooligans wrap me in foil. Don't eat me, local hooligans, I'm not a burrito.

I can read you like a book! I also read books like books. You've been my best friend for years and somehow I've only just now noticed you are filled with pages.

My sister stretches all the time. Rubber bands also stretch all the time. If you are wondering, my sister is not just an elastic band, thank you very much! She is much more than only an elastic band. Boing.




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