I've decided to brainstorm about play ideas as I aspire (no, that is too strongly put...what's a word that means "kind of aspire"? Just that aspire invokes this image of me spending tons of time and energy and brain power towards that pursuit and I just don't want to mislead the reader now. I may choose to mislead a subset of you later on, just don't want to start that way. I was raised that way)...as I...ummmm....like the idea of becoming a playwright (no! I mean I do like play writing, just that saying I like the idea of becoming a playwright sounds a bit too simple and "plain Jane" and I am not a "plain Jane" - if I must be a Jane, I'd at least like to be considered un-plain, or at least, less plain or only plain on Tuesdays...where was I?...right! "like" is a boring descriptor for how I feel about being a playwright)...ummm as I enjoy thinking about ideas for future plays that I probably will never write (way to go, Paley, only took you 15 minutes to describe a very simple thing and you used, and are still using, way too many sidetracking, distracting, parenthesized add-ons, that it makes the paragraph next to impossible to follow. Bravo, "writing guy", bravo. Note to self- stop having conversations with yourself when you are supposed to be writing for others. If you want to converse with yourself, go hide in the bedroom closet like you used to before you got a blog.)
I'm starting with some ideas I had for some Serious Plays (or would it be Serious Ideas for Plays or perhaps Plays That Result in Serious Ideas, or maybe the word serious will scare people away, namely me - I'm often not in the mood for things that are too serious - we all enjoy a chuckle or a giggle, don't we...sorry, sorry, perhaps I am just wasting time and should just make with the ideas already as the casserole is almost done or perhaps the "wasting of time" is all part of the process?) I guess I could just go with convention and call them "dramas", but that is only fun when said with a true Australian accent. Plus, using the word drama, makes it all sound so grown-up ("but, don't forget that you are 43 now" - "wait, who said that?!?!" "you did, just that you used italics to make it appear to the reader that someone else is here with you, but there isn't. You are alone, sitting at the computer, attempting to shave your back hair with one hand while typing this with your other and preparing to eat an entire tray of tuna casserole, pretending to be literary" "okay, okay, okay - man, next time I talk to myself in writing, I should remember to invent a more interesting "person" to talk to, or at least someone with fewer piercing - just too much glare for the eyes.") Anyways...here we go with the dramatic, serious and thought-provoking ideas (I added in thought-provoking as it may capture a few more people who are doing a random Google search or if I include it as one of my 35 hashtags when I tweet about it). Keep in mind these ideas are straight from my brain and are "brainstorms", which means some may be great ideas and some may be beyond stupid and others may have aspects of both wrapped together into an idea that "doesn't do much for anyone". I plan to follow this up with idea for funny plays and then with ideas for totally, ridiculously, nonsensical plays and finally plays about dolphins. There will be no stone unturned. Of this I promise you.
Enjoy these "serious" ideas! (still wondering if I should have just called them Dramas, but after making you read all of the stuff above only to change it now would seem like I was wasting your time more than I actually am. Another question is whether you can ever really enjoy a drama - you can appreciate it, you can empathize with the characters, you can understand the issues -but enjoy? I guess if you aren't finding much enjoyment in the rest of your life, you may just enjoy anything - even these ideas. You're welcome?)
One last note, I have opted to refer to myself as "the playwright". So there. It's a step up from many of the other things I used to call myself.
1) "Life and Death" – The lights come up on 3 people on stage sitting spaced apart and having their own spotlights and they alternate telling stories in first person from my life – focusing on the tough times (for example: having a hard time making friends in kindergarten and having to settle on a rock), the heart break (like the time I was told by a girl I liked that she wanted to keep our relationship the way it was and then running away screaming and then doing this again and again everyday for a month), and the lack of enough cheese (honestly there was just never enough cheese, even when I won the local lottery and purchased a few whole wheels of gouda. I came to suspect that my roommate was either eating it when I wasn't watching or that he owned a set of hungry mice, which would explain all of the squeaks I heard in his room - I didn't feel comfortable asking about them)– the play ends in total darkness with sound-effects of wind blowing and bats screeching and after a few moments my voice can be heard saying "don't cry for me, or actually, on second thought, I would really appreciate if you did cry for me." Before you boo, remember this is a drama and dramas must be packed full of things placed their solely for dramatic effect.
2) "The End" – A man sits alone in a room contemplating the end of his existence. As the lights come up we observe him alternating between crying, moaning and coughing (I guess we are to assume he either is sick or is suffering from allergies which makes the audience wonder why he doesn't take something for that already). We then see a series of short scenes performed around him using area lighting that show us why he is in the state he is in.
(a) his son was in accident - a team of doctors work around the clock trying to figure out how he got piano keys embedded in his back. Thankfully they are able to save him, but they will definitely need to pay for a new piano or make due without the high notes. Doctors are seen telling the dad that his son will never play again and the dad drops to his knees crying while the son is jumping up and down, overjoyed. The audience is left to surmise that the son may have accidentally on purpose impaled himself with keys.
(b) we see a scene at the local bar with the man heavily drinking and sometimes getting rowdy.Yet sometimes he drinks and becomes an amazing storyteller - we see him telling vivid tales from the war surrounded by a crowd that is hanging on his every word (and slur, remember he is very drunk) and other times he drinks and performs scenes from Swan Lake in the corner (hey, he ain't hurting anyone, plus Swan Lake is very popular in these parts of the country).
(c) he loses his job - we see his boss calling him into the office and yelling and screaming and literally throwing the book at him. The audience is probably supposed to assume the book is both heavy and important (possibly a rare edition) and many audience members seem more concerned for the health and welfare of this very meaningful book then for the man who is clearly hurt from the exchange (the book seems to be doing quite well, yet this doesn't stop the audience from passing around a collection hat for it). The boss continues to yell and yell and it goes on for quite a while. After some time, the man gets a bit peckish sitting there and listening to his boss yelling, so he decides to start his egg salad sandwich (which coincides with a vendor walking up and down the aisles selling egg salad sandwiches - it is a great marketing plan - the vendor sells out in minutes).
(d) we see the man arrive home and catch his wife cheating on him which makes the audience hate her even more than before (she is an easy character to dislike - she is demanding, angry, dishonest, demeaning and always makes him triple-wash the potatoes). We are left to guess who she was cheating with and what they were doing and why she is wearing a mask and snorkel, but some questions are better left unresolved.
(e) he finally files for bankruptcy as all he has left are peanuts - lots and lots and lots of peanuts (evidently he invested hard in peanut futures when the market was looking good and the value of peanuts was at an all-time high and then he stupidly refused to sell even when his brother, the peanut farmer, insisted he did due to the blight).
The play ends with the man looking straight at the audience and asking how he did tonight. The audience doesn't respond, as it is a well-trained audience and you just never break the "fourth wall". Little do they know but the actor was really looking for some honest feedback as the director just doesn't do that.
3) "The Big Test" – Some students are cramming for a huge test that will heavily influence their futures. There is lots of nervousness before the test - one girl can't stop laughing, another guy is pacing up and down, two others are so nervous that they forget they are characters in a play. Each student takes turns talking directly to the audience as the others freeze in the background and they tell us what is on the line and the consequences for them if they fail (one boy needs to pass to enter college, another girl needs to pass or else her parents will disown her - although she admits she may have misunderstood their conversation as she was at quite a distance and was solely reading facial expressions and body language, yet another kid needs to pass or else he can't become a store mannequin placement adviser, and another girl needs to pass as failure is not an option - the audience believes her completely, which is exactly what the playwright wants). We see them writing the test and each takes turns reading questions out loud to assist the audience as they can't read the paper from where they are sitting (this appears to all as a blatant example of cheating and we all wonder what the teacher is doing while this is happening - this often makes some audience members get up and leave and re-enroll at school as possibly the rules for taking tests has changed recently and have become much more lenient). Other kids respond to each question with their thinking in their head – they don’t communicate with each other (the sample questions and the answers have the unintentional result of making the audience feel pretty slow and uneducated and wishing that the playwright would just cut to some pratfalls and other immature teenage boy humour about female body parts and flatulence just so the audience can have a welcome break from feeling so dumb). Intermixed with that we hear their thoughts and emotions during the test, plus comments and reminders from the teacher about how much time is left. As the test is winding down the questions get more and more profound and more and more personal and just as we start to realize that this is a science fiction sort of thing where citizens must all take a test when they turn 18 and it places you in society and determines what role you play and if you fail you are eliminated, we notice that all of the audience member have been strapped to their chairs and the actors are walking around giving us test papers and chanting slowly and robotic-ly "now it's your turn...now it's your turn". The play is most likely a metaphor, because I heard that the use of metaphors is good.
4) "My Relationship With Frieda" – A typical boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-is-sad, boy-contemplates-enlisting-in-the-army-but-decides-to-collect-bottles-caps-instead relationship from beginning to end. The play alternates scenes between the couple meeting (let's have that take place at a coffee shop so that this hackneyed cliche can be as hackneyed and cliched as possible, leaving just a hint of another level of cliche just in case) and slowly getting seriously involved (one particularly poignant scene of their courtship involves the couple standing far stage left as a prop girl pours bucket after bucket of ice water on them to simulate a rainstorm) and then breaking up (an attempt was made by the playwright to have both characters try to convince the other not to break up with them and yet have both characters want to do the breaking up - this scene elicits much groaning from the audience, although the groaning could be contributed to the "cheap" cheese the theatre owner has opted to use on the nachos) and this is intermixed with scenes where each discusses their view of the relationship with their small group of friends and/or parents almost like a reality show. This play jumps all over from past, present, future and some "other" time and place that no one is totally sure about - there is a good chance that the playwright also had no idea and included these scenes as a means of distracting the audience so that it would delay the realization of how bad this play actually is. The break up occurs under a harshly red spot light that seems to make everyone present quite angry and then a year passes and the two characters bump into each other at either at a polo match (if the two are to be upper-class), a laundromat (contractually obligated to have a scene in every fourth play take place at one), a retail store at the mall that sells designer gloves (so someone can be slapped by a glove, also part of the contract), or at a public stoning (the play may be a period piece) and they have an awkward conversation (during the initial read-through, the actors had a ridiculously awkward time reading this scene and the director had to put in many long hours at rehearsal working with them to seem less awkward to moderate success) but agree to meet for coffee later on. Friends/parents from both sides are against it - "let's say the coffee is too hot and it scalds your tongue - remember that nothing good happens when a tongue is scalded - it just hurts" says her father; "how can you be sure that she hasn't spent the past year travelling, studying and researching coffee and has been biding her time and awaiting this opportunity to bring you to a coffee shop, demonstrate her near-encyclopedic knowledge of coffee resulting in much embarrassment on your part" says his mother, and yet he goes and she doesn't show up – THE END (maybe change the ending as even I, the playwright, am booing at my own lame ending). OR (this is much better) - maybe the play mirrors an actual relationship that the playwright or one of his family members has experienced only not-so-subtly changing the facts to make it more interesting, humiliating and attractive to Hollywood-types and to attract them, the two do meet, share a romantic kiss, and then ride off into the sunset on a white stallion while a group of Flamenco guitar players play.
5) A Play in a Play Idea – 2 to 4 people are in a scene in which their characters have strong emotional attachments and arguments with each other (think soap opera stuff ...did you really think about soap operas right now after I suggested it? Cool! Now think about really cute guinea pigs and which Guinea they would root for in a soccer tournament - Guinea-Bissau, Equatorial Guinea, or The Republic of Guinea...my work is done here). We see the scene stopped and the director (and stage manager perhaps?) come on stage and give directions, ask for stock market advice, shake off their legs that had fallen asleep in comical fashion etc.) Offstage everyone is an entirely different personality but the high emotions of the play and jealous relationships offstage start eating away at them until the offstage is more intense then on. In fact the offstage intensity is so real, that the playwright had to take long breaks writing these scenes (plus the non-fat, no-sugar Vanilla frozen yogurt that tastes oddly like cold cardboard with a hint of vanilla was also calling his name, something he wishes it would stop doing). The whole play takes place on the stage - in rehearsal and out of rehearsal - it was considered to have the whole play literally take place backstage, but it was determined that the audience would get really bored just hearing the play and not seeing anything and would wonder why they hadn't stayed home and just listened to a radio play as at least they could soak their feet in Epsom salts at the same time. The play could end with a murder or two (why stop there? kill them all!!!! Oops, did I actually write that?) and then the audience realizes that the whole thing was a play (that is the one or two audience members who didn't figure it out immediately realize this). The on-stage/off-stage bits are opposites early on, but when the off-stage parts change and evolve the play itself could change to make it more like what the off-stage life was originally like. The original play could be 2 couples in love or 1 guy and two girls, and he cheats and they fight over him or 2 guys and a girl and the director is romantically tied to someone. Maybe the stage manager likes the director and the ones who didn't get along on stage are married off-stage etc. Or maybe on stage all of the characters are super slow and not all there and offstage they are super-intelligent beings who mock their on-stage counterparts to the point where the on-stage characters hate their off-stage versions of themselves so much that they start to plot against them.Whoa. This, play within a play format is far from an original plot ploy, but is just so much fun. A strong consideration was to add a few more "in a plays" to it until we get in so deep that the characters who are only "in a play" are rendered speechless and look to the brainier-appearing audience members for help. I mean it is not easy to talk to a character who is in the play that is in the play, but to talk to a character who is in the play in the play in the play in the play is really really really hard to do. I mean what do you talk about? This idea thankfully did not come to fruition, but one can only wonder if it is just a matter of time knowing how the playwright loves over-complicating everything and then laughing at the resulting lack of comprehension (this idea is a small example of that).
6) "The Basketball Player" - The play is centered around George, a budding basketball player, whose dream is to play professionally. The entire play is George, standing centre stage, dribbling a basketball near a stage mic, which greatly amplifies the sound. After a few minutes, an audience member stands and yells "ENOUGH WITH THE FREAKIN' DRIBBLING!!! AT LEAST TAKE A SHOT OR DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING ELSE - THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!" George doesn't even flinch or look up and continues bouncing the ball. After another few minutes, most of the audience just can't take it anymore and leaves, except for one young boy, who sits, transfixed and mesmerized by the ball and by George. The playwright had considered the unforeseen twist that maybe the boy was the actor and George was actually in the audience, but that just made no sense at all (which strangely was a good enough reason to scrap the idea, as often that is all the playwright needs to expand upon something). Another idea was that maybe the boy was an actor as well, maybe George at a younger age before the night the UFO was spotted. Regardless, the audience is 99% gone and enjoying a sub sandwich right now so all of these ideas are moot. Possibly the dribbling of the basketball is a metaphor for something, like a commentary on the slow decay of morals in this modern time in which we live or more likely the play is being used by a psychology grad student as part of their research.
7) "The First Date" – A very jittery guy is on a first date, and it isn't going well. He is so nervous and is fighting so hard to hide it that he is coming across as stone-like. He knew he'd be nervous, but was aiming more for cutely nervous rather than nervous-to-the-point-of making-everyone-concerned nervous. His date is a beautiful young woman who is very naive and confused - she asks questions like "what is a date?", "why did that person just bring us a basket of buns and rolls?" and "who did you say you were again? Are you here about papa?" About 5 minutes after the audience has given up on this couple making any real intelligible conversation, the two character's figments show up. (For those not familiar with this sub-genre, a figment is essentially the inner-self of the character who can communicate and relate with their "real" self and the audience, but cannot be seen by the other character. Figments can see and talk to each other too. Figments are often utilized to voice what characters are actually thinking about, but are too shy to say. Other times, playwrights use figments to voice their own political or philosophical ideas that are often not popular and could, if spoken by the actual characters, lead to censure or imprisonment. The playwright thinks that if these radical thoughts and ideas are spoken by figments, that aren't real, he will get off Scott free. He is incorrect.) Anyways, the nervous guy and his date’s figment come out and survey the scene and upon noticing how comically (yet, not at all funny) the date is going and that they have almost lost the room, quickly huddle up and decide to try and salvage the play by performing card tricks, parts of their stand-up routine and fielding questions from the audience about sexual health. But, in the end these two figments are the heroes and they help the two characters through their date and us through this play (plus they handout some very useful and educational pamphlets on contraception). The moral of the story seems to be to always bring along a friend who can act as your figment by making your unintelligent, incomprehensible, ridiculous thoughts seem more socially acceptable, brilliant and funny. If you are fortunate enough to date someone who also has a figment, you can allow the two figments to court each other and work everything out, while the two of you eat buckets of fried chicken without a care in the world. The only risk is that the two figments will fall madly in love and abandon you completely. Unlucky for you, but lucky for the owner of the friend chicken place around the corner.
8) "Death Visits" – One night smack in the middle of the prime-time TV schedule, Death shows up at a guy’s door and motions that his number is up and it is time to go. After a few moments spent making sure that this isn't some sort of elaborate prank, he realizes that this is actually Death personified and that, much as popular literature and fan websites have predicted, Death is not one for fooling around and that he is gravely serious. The man, trying to stall, invites Death in for a glass of milk and some cake, but Death isn't in the mood for cake, especially as he is experimenting with a non-Gluten diet right now. Clearly nervous and not at all in the mood for a guest in the first place, the man then proceeds to offer Death each and every food, beverage and spice in the house which Death says no to - this portion of the play goes on for 25 minutes. The audience cannot be sure if it is solely the man stalling and trying to delay the inevitable, or if it is just the playwright's inability to decide where he wants this play to go. Finally, Death agrees to a plain piece of tofu, mainly to get the man to shut up. Sitting at the kitchen table together, the man breaks down into inconsolable crying -wailing that he doesn't want to go and has so much to live for. The crying is loud and embarrassing, and Death, although quite used to his line of work, starts to feel badly and also just wants the man to stop making so much noise as the neighbours may grow suspicious. Death gets up and comforts him saying things like "it's not so bad, it will be okay, you are only dead" and "just think, I could have been here to sell you magazine subscriptions that you don't really need but end up saying yes to mostly to get rid of me and then the magazines just pile up and up until your wife/girlfriend complains and complains for you to recycle them or something" and "shhh, if you're really quiet and well behaved I promise we'll stop for an ice cream on the way." The man pulls himself together and excuses himself to go to the washroom to tidy up. Once in the washroom he paces up and down devising a plan for escape. Upon returning to the dining room, he offers to play Death a game of chess and if he loses he will go and if he wins he gets an extra month to live. Death is hesitant as this is not his first time around the block and he has had many an offer similar to this one. Death begrudgingly agrees to a game of chess. The game begins and it is very close. As they had not established any time restrictions, the game (and the play) go on for some time. Coincidentally the local chess championships is going on next door to the theatre and is easily more entertaining - the players joke, are animated and take multiple breaks as they launch into musical numbers more befitting the Broadway stage. The playwright tries to take credit for the actual chess match as well and tries to disown his play to no avail. In the end, Death wins, but comes out looking like a loser as he celebrates way too much and then he receives significantly less applause than the man does at the closing curtain.
9) "The Jungle" – The entire play takes place in the jungle. This involves tons of work for the props and set people to create the environment and the heating bills are off the charts as the director constantly has the humidity set to 40% (somewhat similar to a hot yoga class - in fact, with the humidity so high and the audience in a constant state of dripping sweat, improptu hot yoga classes have been known to randomly break out amongst the audience members while watching the play). A number of birds, butterflies and monkeys were released into the studio during the rehearsal period and over those three months have made the place home - warning - rows M and N are home to some new baby monkeys and their mother is super protective. Prospective audience members are promised to feel like they are in the actual jungle while they are watching the play so along with the animals and the humidity, vines are hung throughout the theatre and there is this hard-to-place smell that is 100% jungle and 100% disgusting (the playwright is aware this adds up to 200% and his reasoning is that no one calculate percentages accurately in the jungle, especially when trying to get rid of the smell of monkey feces). Before the curtain comes up we hear screaming humans and screeching of monkeys and roaring of lions followed by the crackle of a BBQ and the sounds of someone enjoying a lip-smacking meal. And the smell of the BBQ is intoxicating (now is a good time to remind everyone that the playwright has just opened his new BBQ restaurant across the street from the theatre - and no, lions, monkeys nor humans are on the menu - we asked, and evidently all three are illegal to serve and we are told, morally reprehensible as well. Who knew?). The lights come up on our main characters - a set of four Americans next to a rusty old jeep. Jungle noises and music are played quite loudly for the first scene and we see the characters miming conversations that seem to tell us that they came to Africa a year ago as a break from their boring lives as accountants and they were on a lovely safari when their jeep broke down. It is really hard to tell what happened next - possibly they traded their money with a bunch of gorillas who promised them transportation and safe passage to the nearby village only to urinate on their money and then use it as part of a burning ritual (it is fairly unclear and we are left to wonder why they don't just turn the sound down so we can hear the actors who are forced to yell over the noises and music). The audience begins to get very frustrated with the lack of audible dialogue - also the music is on a 2 minute loop and if we have to hear the same songs again for the 10th time someone is going to lose it (my money is on the heavy-set guy with the receding hairline and the massive goatee or the little old granny in the front row). Just as we can't take it any longer the music fades down and we hear the characters planning their next move. Hank is in charge and he is trying to convince Sheila that they either need to start walking that way or eat Mark. Sheila is fairly okay with either plan but doesn't want to give Hank the satisfaction of knowing that she agreed. Josie has a wicked sunburn (not part of the script - she fell asleep on the beach on an off day but she is a spectacular improv performer and has incorporated this into her part) and is trying to find some aloe vera. All the while Mark is hanging out with some zebras he "befriended" - honestly, he hasn't been quite right since the night they had to eat their shoes to avoid starving. Just when the characters appear ready to turn on each other, a strange man appears. He is clean shaven, is wearing a pressed suit and has either been blessed with naturally pearly white teeth or has spent a lot of money on whitening strips. The man emerges from the bush and claps his hands loudly three times causing everyone to immediately drop what they are doing and focus on him. He clears his throat and, speaking with an unplaceable, yet exotic sounding accent offers them some gum. Who could say no to that? The five of them sitting around chewing gum, having a grand old time, almost forgetting their predicament. Then the suited man jumps up and asks them if they want to come away with him to a land where everyone are fairies and elves. This is the end of act 1. Act 2 opens with the four of them back at their accounting firm, sitting at their desks chewing gum. The End. The audience is left to wonder not if that was a waste of time (it was), but if the playwright is simply running out of ideas at this point and is solely trying to satisfy some sort of minimum word requirement for a creative writing blog (he isn't...I mean he isn't solely doing that). And why is the second act so short? A common feeling is that the play was meant originally to be one act, but the playwright needed to take a break as his leg was falling asleep so he decided to end the first act to always remind him of that time he was writing when his leg fell asleep.
10) "The Reunion"– A guy and a girl run into each other 15 years after graduating together from high school. They catch up and reminisce and go over mistakes they made back then or things they wish they had done differently. Both were really popular but now lead empty/unfulfilled lives. They spend the entire hour-long play looking back at missed opportunities and depressing shortfalls over the past 15 years. They talk about how they liked each other and just never acted on it, which makes them even more depressed. At the end of the play, with tears rolling down each of their faces, he asks her if maybe, just maybe, they were to go out now and fall madly in love then it would all have been worth it - the heartache, the failures, the firings, the cheap and disgusting simulated cheese. And just when the audience starts to perk up at the thought of a happy ending, they both decide that it would be too much work and they go their separate ways. For some odd reason many people view this play twice and bring raw eggs by the dozen with them the second time.
Stay tuned for The Dramas: Part 2 coming soon....
