For those of you who are just turning in, I have done a lot of brainstorming for ideas for plays that I most likely will never write. I may write them, but most likely I will be distracted by other, more profitable ideas (I believe to the root of my core that it is important, nae essential, to give in to distractions). These play ideas fall into three categories: The Dramas, The Comedies, The Weird. What you are about to read are the second set of ideas I had for dramatic plays. One obvious point is that no coherent thought has gone in to the actual production of these play ideas and this has provided me, the playwright, a lot of latitude that I have really enjoyed (I am enjoying some of that latitude right now...yep, it's pretty great. My loose plan, if you were wondering, is to enjoy this latitude and then move on to cracking open some longitude this evening). I haven't had to worry about how that set would actually be created, or what shade of brown the sofa should be or how much wax to use on my character's moustache (the answer would be none, as I just had him shaved before the play began - an awesome experience! If you've never shaved a moustache, you must, even if it is off of a fictitious character from a play that will never exist). I love thinking of these minor details and they help me "create the magic", but since these plays will never actually be written or produced, I've been able to think way outside the box (I actually found it much harder and infinitely more suffocating to think inside the box, which may have to do with the colour and size of the box - it was really really small. As soon as I have a free afternoon, I plan to explore the wonderful world of boxes) and have left no stones unturned (okay - that's a bit of an exaggeration, but in my defence, there are just so many stones and how am I expected to keep track of which ones I've turned and which ones I haven't?!?!? It just is really hard to do is all I'm saying. I wanted to leave none of them unturned and maybe someday I actually will, although I may need some help.) I hope you "enjoy" these ideas as much as one can enjoy dramatic ideas (if you find yourself enjoying them disproportionately, enjoy that).
In this relationship you are "the reader" -you read. Pretty simple - hard to screw that up, unless of course that is your goal, and then it is very easy. And I write - the MUCH harder job and greater responsibility, I'm just sayin'. So let's not forget who did all the heavy lifting and who lounged around sucking on lollipops while the other person was sweating away trying to create art for arts sake (and also for money and potentially a free t-shirt). It is important to me and my psyche to feel that I did a good job and worked hard - whether I did or not is up to the courts to decide. All joking aside, I am proud to refer to myself as "the playwright". Not entirely sure why, but who am I to question myself? You may say, rightfully so, that I am actually the best possible person to do that questioning and that maybe I should take a break from coming up with new play ideas and question myself for a while about a variety of topics. Not a bad idea for a play! Thanks! So, will I try to get to bottom of why I insist on referring to myself as "the playwright"? I say NO! (sorry, trying to get in a dramatic mood - how am I doing?) There will be no self-questioning here, unless you, the reader, want to question yourself. Could be sort of fun. Make a grilled cheese, eat a pickle, lay back on the couch and let the questioning begin and then, even if I disapprove, what can I do? Come all the way over to your place, disrupt your peace, steal or plead to share your pickle and halt the questioning? I just don't see myself doing that. So, knock yourself out! Just don't come crying to me when you figure out the truth that your parents hid from you all those years ago just knowing that one day you'd figure it out and come crying to me. I know, I know it doesn't make any sense at all. That is why it hurts so much.
Anyways...life can't all be funny and plays can't all be comedies. I'm not trying to sound apologetic or defensive (my counsellor says those are learned behaviours), I'm just saying that if all you did was laugh all the time, that would be...bad? Not fair to others? Too much fun? Maybe you'd pull something? So, to help you in your quest to laugh a little less (it will make the laughing even more fun, although slightly less rehearsed and canned) I, "the playwright", will give you some drama. That's right, I'm bringing the drama! (I love how that sounds! Almost as if there is some sort of potluck buffet and I've prepared a big, heaping portion of saucy drama. I just hope I nailed the texture). If you love dramas as much as the next person (with that next person being either me or one of those old dudes who always seems so serious or hopefully someone with extra loose-leaf paper) then you will love these ideas. If you don't love dramas, then you may find this excruciating and it would beg the question why you aren't doing something else and, if you decide to get up and leave, can I have a ride there as I have to meet a guy about a thing. If you sort of like dramas but aren't married to them, then perhaps I can introduce you to this friend of mine who is also heartless (ouch! where did that come from? I must learn to practice editing, or at least look it up in the dictionary some time). Or I can see this as a challenge! Maybe I can change you? Not that you need changing (although you probably do and this would be far less painful then a visit to the chiropractor); you are probably a spectacular specimen of a human, but maybe I can win you over. Allow the winning over to begin!
...And here are The Dramas part 2
1) The Tennis Stars – The curtains open on a tennis match which appears to be an actual tennis match between two men who aren't even aware that they are on-stage or playing for an audience. After a particularly exciting point, the players notice that their court is actually the stage in front of a theatre and the audience realize that the theatre was built around a tennis court in the local park. This appears to be a cheap ploy by the producer to just use two random tennis players in the park instead of hiring actors. Upon re-reading the program, audience members realize that the producer discovered the actors by driving around to local parks and watching for dramatic tennis players and found these two. After the match is over, we are taken back in time to see what led up to this pivotal clash. The stage is split in two and, through alternating scenes, we see each man preparing for the match of their lives: birth, beginning high school and the day of the match (while one scene is being shown, the other man is skipping rope or doing push-ups). We learn that each man is nervous about the big match mostly because they have stage freight. One is near retirement, has never won the “big one” and doesn't seem to have “it” mentally but he works so hard. One scene reveals his mental fragility as he completely loses it and needs to be physically restrained during an appointment with his sports psychologist when he is greeted at the beginning of the session. We see evidence of his hard work when he goes a whole week only hitting a ball against the side of his parent's house despite their pleas and screams for him to stop so they can sleep until they call the police who only want his autograph. We also hear a voice over from the player as he sleeps saying that all he wanted in life was to repeatedly hit balls with a racket mostly for science, and that he despises scorekeeping and wishes he could set the numbers free. The other player is a young guy, tons of talent but lets it all go to waste. We see him spending most of his actively squandering his talent, seemingly going as far out of his way to make a mockery of his talent, almost as if he is trying to become the best waster of talent ever. In this sense, he is an unqualified success and also beyond confusing. We learn that he had a troubled youth mostly as he could never remember how to walk to school. He could run there, but his father believed that he must walk or else he'd have to go to work. Both men have other aspirations and completely unrealistic dreams about life outside of tennis (one wants to live on the moon and the other wishes to actually be a tennis ball), and both men have completely realistic and depressing fears about life after tennis (the playwright had considered the title Depressing Reality, but he assumed that everyone would think it was an autobiography). Much of the second half of the play they are seated right near the edge of the stage either talking to unseen reporters/coaches/girlfriends or to themselves in a mirror. The play ends with the two of them, in tears, breaking through "the wall" that divides them and hugging the other. Initially this hug fills the audience with a warm, goose-bumpy feeling but, after it goes on for a while, everything starts to feel awkward.
2) Waiting For The Girl – The curtains open on two guys waiting somewhere for something (I know, I know, don't worry it may get more specific and better or it may continue to be vague and crappy- that is the way it is with ideas for plays sometimes). The guys are either both tall and handsome or both nebbish and short - the script works both ways (as a straight up, hard hitting drama the first way and as a totally sarcastic, allegorical commentary on the moral degradation of society due to all of those short people the second way). They are seated either at an airport, at a café, at home by the phone or possibly they are not sure where they are sitting and they are actually pretty freaked out about being lost and showing up late for work and having to deal with their confusing, possibly bipolar, boss who doesn't get angry when they are late, no, his reactions are far more out-of-left-field and downright brain-scratching, but never boring, so there is that. After a long scene of them sitting and clearly waiting for something or someone, we learn they are waiting for a girl, and have been for a long time - the audience is getting super bored just watching them wait and the general consensus is that this girl better be super hot or a pretty incredible conversationalist or hopefully both. It also becomes clear that one guy is waiting for the girl and the other is his buddy who is trying to convince him that she isn't coming as he is pretty sure she is washing her hair right now. The next ten minutes goes into how clean and smooth her hair is and how it always smells really really good. This is all well and good, the audience can see that these are two guys who appreciate a girl who takes care of her hair, but then they go into so much detail about the shampoo and conditioners she uses and they even call a volunteer out of the audience and clean her hair for her as a demonstration and the detail is equal parts disturbing and overly detailed for most audience members unless they happen to work in a salon (it all makes sense when you realize that the first act is brought to you by Vidal Sassoon and in the intermission their products sell like hot cakes with the upside being very competitive pricing and the downside being that if the second act fails to impress the actors will probably be literally wearing it). We learn, eventually, that the guy who likes the girl met her the previous night at the library, shared a few words about a book they both reached for at the same time and he took this brief, fairly banal conversation as a romantic proposition and he also strangely believed she wanted to meet him the next day while all she wanted was him to keep a minimum of 100 metres all the time, but in his defence she was speaking partially in Spanish and that is a Romance language. Finally, after it was clear she was either not coming today or never coming, the actors and the audience mutually agree to end the play and go grab a slice of pie.
3) The Date – Two people meet for a date and there begins an incredibly unoriginal idea for a play. What's next? They fall in love, then out of love and then back in love? Never heard that one before - keep the fresh and new ideas coming smart guy (wow - why am I so passive aggressive towards myself today? Hey, I'm just doing the best I can with what I got.) Or maybe it is a boy meets girl, girl originally not attracted but eventually falls in love with his brain and how caring he is and they walk off towards the sunset at the end? Is anyone else puking right now or is it just me (why is that always just me doing the puking?) Or maybe this writer (I'm still here, you do realize?) is original and has thought up a unique "date" story that is less predictable and either more gory, blasphemous or marvellously mundane than the average. Well, as the curtains rise, we see the couple on their first date - everything seems normal. She is lovely and is hanging on his every word which is beautiful but may become cumbersome as time goes on an especially if he uses longer and longer words and decides to go for a run or a swim or something where hanging on becomes very challenging. He has clearly just come from a hair cut and we get the sense (thanks to well chosen music by the director) that he is confident, cliched and missing some of his hair. After a few minutes, the audience realizes how this take on a date is different as we hear their inner thoughts every other line. Now before any of us say "unoriginal!" the twist is that the characters speak to each other with brutal and often unnecessary honesty and their inner thoughts are the more civil and polite things that we usually say. But when they are voicing these harsh, critiques to each other they don’t even over react – it is as if the world operated that way (Woah, that is a bit a original! Bravo, playwright, bravo - we did doubt you and you proved that a small fraction of that doubt was misplaced). So maybe the playwright is advising as all to be like that. Maybe the commentary is that we should just walk around saying the absolute truth all the time in a "take-no-prisoners" fashion and let the chips fall where they may. The audience is taking this in and contemplating this brave new world but seem to be struggling with the role of the inner monologues that are sweet, non judgemental and socially appropriate. Are these their true feelings as inner monologues usually are? Or are these being said mostly to appease our sensibilities so we don't leap out of our seats and start rioting? Or maybe the playwright inserted them as he was working on two different plays and merged the documents accidentally on his computer (yikes! did I actually do this? be right back)? Anyways, the two characters are both overly sarcastic throughout, but get more and more polite as the play goes on and at the end the politeness pisses each other off and the date and play is over. The audience is unsure what it all means and the overall reaction is fairly muted but everyone seems to appreciate the fresh take on the overdone date story even though people aren't totally sure what it all is meant to mean. "At least we will always have this experience together," one man will be overheard saying to his girlfriend as they leave the theatre before she instantly walks the other direction.
4) The Meeting – The curtains open on a meeting between three friends trying to make a big decision. They are in a small well lit room that seems to be immaculately designed (the question "who is the interior decorator?" is murmured throughout the audience). The mood among the friends is hard to place (then again the curtains have only been open for a few minutes and there has been minimal dialogue so what's the rush? Relax and enjoy the show and quit pressuring us to answer all of your questions!). One character seems to be the anxious one, another the practical conservative type and the last just can't stop slurping his coffee and seems to be equal parts bored, interested and aloof (although his aloofness is hard to carry off while slurping). The three have snuck away from their respective jobs, wives, 2000 piece jigsaw puzzles and potato peeling to meet covertly and plan. "What are they planning?" is heard amongst the audience members after about 10 minutes watching the friends pace, punch the walls, order in Chinese, and take a break to practice their acapello singing routine for the county fair next month. The audience really is growing impatient and are becoming less interested in sitting on their hands (a strange request made by the director) and bite their tongues (also a strange request and quite painful too). This audience is demanding to know - are they running away? planning to confront the neighbourhood bully? robbing a bank? organizing an amazing three course dinner for their wives? And the underlying question throughout is who designed the room and would they be free to come over to my place after the play and help with the renovations. The first act ends with the three deciding to go ahead with their plan and the audience still has no clue what they are planning. The audience is frustrated and generally feel that whatever it is they are planning it better be good. The second act is a series of monologues leading up to the fateful meeting from act one. The stage is split in three parts each lit differently and each actor sits on a different easy chair with a modern, chic coffee table on top of a throw rug and addresses the audience directly. We learn about each character and what let them to that meeting. The first character gripes and complains about everything but is smooth and biting and is connecting with the audience's sensibilities (an audio tape of his spoken word monologues is available for purchase after the show). The second reads poetry about sunsets and puppy dogs and love lost and "oiling the machine" (it seems to be his own personal poetry and he mentions that books of his poetry are also available in the lobby after the play). The third character refuses to take part in this act and spends his time in stage slurping coffee and drawing hilariously inappropriate nude pictures of audience members with disproportionately sized and shaped features (these too are available for sale after the show or else he will post them online). In the third act they are meeting again and they argue and argue aside from a bathroom break and a phone call one character has to take from his mom (the actor's actual mother called him on his own phone and he decided to take the call during the play). The play ends with the men deciding to go back to their boring unfulfilling jobs, their beautiful sensual wives and their immaculate and modernly designed houses. Whatever it is they were planning can wait for another day. The second the show ends the three actors commence hocking their wares, and it sort of seems like the play was mostly a vehicle to help them with their own art.
4) The Meeting – The curtains open on a meeting between three friends trying to make a big decision. They are in a small well lit room that seems to be immaculately designed (the question "who is the interior decorator?" is murmured throughout the audience). The mood among the friends is hard to place (then again the curtains have only been open for a few minutes and there has been minimal dialogue so what's the rush? Relax and enjoy the show and quit pressuring us to answer all of your questions!). One character seems to be the anxious one, another the practical conservative type and the last just can't stop slurping his coffee and seems to be equal parts bored, interested and aloof (although his aloofness is hard to carry off while slurping). The three have snuck away from their respective jobs, wives, 2000 piece jigsaw puzzles and potato peeling to meet covertly and plan. "What are they planning?" is heard amongst the audience members after about 10 minutes watching the friends pace, punch the walls, order in Chinese, and take a break to practice their acapello singing routine for the county fair next month. The audience really is growing impatient and are becoming less interested in sitting on their hands (a strange request made by the director) and bite their tongues (also a strange request and quite painful too). This audience is demanding to know - are they running away? planning to confront the neighbourhood bully? robbing a bank? organizing an amazing three course dinner for their wives? And the underlying question throughout is who designed the room and would they be free to come over to my place after the play and help with the renovations. The first act ends with the three deciding to go ahead with their plan and the audience still has no clue what they are planning. The audience is frustrated and generally feel that whatever it is they are planning it better be good. The second act is a series of monologues leading up to the fateful meeting from act one. The stage is split in three parts each lit differently and each actor sits on a different easy chair with a modern, chic coffee table on top of a throw rug and addresses the audience directly. We learn about each character and what let them to that meeting. The first character gripes and complains about everything but is smooth and biting and is connecting with the audience's sensibilities (an audio tape of his spoken word monologues is available for purchase after the show). The second reads poetry about sunsets and puppy dogs and love lost and "oiling the machine" (it seems to be his own personal poetry and he mentions that books of his poetry are also available in the lobby after the play). The third character refuses to take part in this act and spends his time in stage slurping coffee and drawing hilariously inappropriate nude pictures of audience members with disproportionately sized and shaped features (these too are available for sale after the show or else he will post them online). In the third act they are meeting again and they argue and argue aside from a bathroom break and a phone call one character has to take from his mom (the actor's actual mother called him on his own phone and he decided to take the call during the play). The play ends with the men deciding to go back to their boring unfulfilling jobs, their beautiful sensual wives and their immaculate and modernly designed houses. Whatever it is they were planning can wait for another day. The second the show ends the three actors commence hocking their wares, and it sort of seems like the play was mostly a vehicle to help them with their own art.
5) The Butcher – The play opens and we meet Joe, a nice, well-meaning, sensitive young man who works as a butcher. In fact, he is the best butcher in town and people flock from miles around to see him and either buy, or at least be in the presence of, the meat. The opening act takes place in his noisy store and it is literally packed full of people jostling for the best cuts of meat. In the second act we see Joe during the off hours chopping meat, singing beautiful songs about hand-made sausages, sawing through bones and splattering blood all over himself and the audience members sitting in the well-labelled "Splatter-zone", massaging sides of beef thoroughly with such tender and care and crying softly with his head down on a pile of chicken skin. Clearly he is a bit messed up. In one scene he draws faces on the pork chops and puts small wigs on them and tries to act out the Barber of Seville with them. In another, he plays poker with innards and upon losing makes a pate out of "that cheating kidney". And in yet another scene, clearly at a psychological and physical low point and racked with guilt and remorse, he travels to a local farm and implores the farm animals to butcher him reserving the tenderloin for his next door neighbour who always seems to be eyeing him and licking his lips. In the end, he continues to return to his popular store each day selling only the best meat and slowly losing his mind. In a questionnaire after the play, audiences will agree that all though they feel badly for his predicament and his clear need for some mental health services, that if the meat is actually that good, then society is for the better. The director auctions off the prime cuts of meat after each show initially meant as a fundraiser for the theatre but instead decides to use the money to go on vacation.
6) The Break-Up? – The play starts with two little toddlers, one girl and one boy, both excessively cute and endearingly innocent. Immediately the audience is taken with these two babies and numerous people will subconsciously plot to actually abduct them after the show (don't worry, the audience members are upstanding members of society - this is seen to as each person upon buying a ticket is subject to the most stringent screening process possible). They are either the cutest babies ever or award-winning adults cast in the role of babies with a whole lot of makeup on. After a few minutes, it is clear that they not only don't play well together but, as much as babies can, they seem to hate each other and wish the other was less cute so that they would seem even more cute by comparison. There are no physical interactions, just lots of evil eyes and cold shoulders. In the next scene, we see the two again, this time as slightly older kids swinging on a swing set at the park. They still hate each other and the audience is treated to the most passive aggressive bordering on actual aggressive theatrical swinging ever seen and yet they continue to play together. In the next scene they are dating teenagers who constantly put each other down with biting sarcasm and harsh critiques and send hate-filled notes to each other in class. They are seen walking the halls of their high school either holding hands with such malice and spite or sitting in the cafeteria eating with such malice and spite It is a marvel that either can chew and swallow and this usually is greeted with a round of applause by audiences. When the curtain comes up now they are young professionals and are room-mates sharing an apartment. There are actual lines drawn on the floors splitting each room into his and her territories and everything is labelled. We view them sharing a romantic dinner complete with chocolate soufflé, red wine and a candle but no one says a word and the silence and suspenseful theme music creates such a tension that audience members will need a massage afterwards (good news! The producer's brother has a massage clinic set up next door. Show your play stub for 5% off!"). After dinner the two watch a movie sitting as far away as possible from each other as possible (his face is nearly plastered against one wall and she is under the couch) making sharing the bowl of popcorn really challenging. Finally they are married adults whose public displays are intentionally highly embarrassing for the other. They own a family restaurant and spend all day together working side-by-side supporting each other with a seemingly endless stream of cursing, nonsensical metaphors comparing the other to ugly animals, and hugs that look like they would dislocate multiple ribs. As the play ends and it is clear that these two will stay together for as long as they both shall live and will always share a hatred, the audience is left wondering what message the director was trying to send and whether there was a point. Don't forget the discounted massage!
7) The Counsellor – This play takes place inside a high school's counsellor's office. The first scene is of an empty room as the director doesn't want to shock the audience and rush into things and also he was just too cheap to hire any actual actors (maybe if he cut back on all of the egg benedicts he devours he could afford some?) Thankfully the scene is not that long and in the second scene a student enters stage right (doctor told him the director that he must cut back on the hollandaise) and has come in to see their counsellor for help. Before opening up about the real issues the student tells a long, elaborate, mostly time-wasting story about her fascination with paper and also her concern that she will one day run out and will have many regrets. The counsellor goes on and on about trying to live without regret mostly as it is poor for your complexion and also because her time would be better spent feeling guilty as that is more marketable in this day and age. She nods her head wistfully, while he takes out his note book and starts frantically jotting down notes all-the-while using massive amounts of hand sanitizer. There is a long pause in their conversation and both peer around and look out the window to ensure no one is watching and then they both walk down the hall and into a large adjoining room that is full of pants and many students are hard at work sewing, cutting and folding finished pants and packing them in boxes. We learn that the counselling suite is a mere front for a large, illegal pant making and distribution centre. The counsellor is the boss - a hard-as-nails, take-no-nonsense, insists-on-eating-all-food-in-either-"fingers"-or-finger-shapes man who breaks into an elaborate song-and-dance number (note: this is not a musical, and the song was not part of the play - this actor has decided to improvise) about his ongoing complicated relationship with pants and people who wear them and his desire to not only clothe the people of the world in the finest of pants made from the best fabrics but also to profit illegally from this. The student is taken aback by the song and after gathering themselves for a moment, responds with a song of their own just in case it is a sing-off. The student sings of a world in the future where everyone has equal access to pants and have evolved to a point where visiting aliens won't be able to tell where the pants end and the person begins. The song is so moving, that all of the actors break down and cry all-the-while gently stroking each other's pant legs and murmuring "pants...pants...pants". The songs are so catchy that the play somehow decides to make the full conversion to a musical and the play ends with the entire cast singing a song in alternating verses about the history of illegal clothing rings and how easy it is to use high school counselling departments as a front for illegal clothing rings. Audiences love this rousing number and they are all a buzz so much so that they miss the disclaimer from the director that absolves him of any wrongdoing in case anyone just happens to try this themselves.
8) The Rehearsal – The school play is supposed to go on next week and this play is about the final week of dress rehearsals and all of the mishaps that occur. The play focuses on the nervousness and off-stage, behind-the-scenes interpersonal drama of this play within a play. This playwright (that's me!) decided to capture every stereotypical situation and use them to the extreme. That means instead of the actors solely feeling a bit anxious as the tension of opening night fast approaches, half the cast is stricken with such intense anxiety, that they are rushed en mass to the local university hospital for observations and tranquilizers. This also means that instead of one actor cheating on his girlfriend with one of the female leads, the entire cast are all involved in a multitude of relationships that involve almost every single paring imaginable (including some that aren't). The second act only involves behind-the-curtains kissing, breakups, crying and then more kissing and it is so confusing about who did what with him and who is seeing who, that the playwright didn't even try to make logical sense of it. After a while the actors don't even bother going behind curtains. Incidentally, a downside of all of the scripted relationships is that it put a real strain on some of the actual relationship the actors were in before the play mostly as a result of the actors becoming totally confused due to the sheer number of different relationships they were in during the course of this play. Usually the week of dress rehearsals is full of forgotten lines, sets that aren't complete, and an overall concern that the play won't come together on time, and all of these are present in this play as well. One scene is only actors forgetting their lines. Another scene shows sets literally falling apart and falling on actors causing serious injuries (the Worker's Compensation Board has a booth set up backstage). The director had to work hard to avoid too many actually injuries caused by sets actually falling apart and was aiming for something far more artistic. Another scene is the director reading the cast notes and alternating between berating them for being such amazingly horrible actors and literally kissing their feet and wrapping them with the finest of silk scarves (the director has a huge collection of silk scarves that he has loaned to the actor playing the director in the play to dole out as he sees fit). We see a scene where the actors are discussing mutiny and taking over this sinking ship with the voice of reason finally being heard that it is a play not a boat (the confusion being that the play in the play takes place on a boat that is meant to be sinking), despite the overall sinking feeling, which is quite real. The actors go so far as buying some rope to tie the director up with, until they decide to make a really great rope sculpture which is enjoyed by all and becomes a symbol of their unhappiness. We also see a scene where the director addresses himself in the mirror and covers a variety of topics including why he didn't become a doctor as his mother wanted, why he didn't become a lawyer as his father wanted, why he didn't become a director as he wanted (remember, he is only an actor playing a director, which is actually quite a slap in the face and a daily reminder of your own shortcomings for a person who wanted to be a director). He tears his hair out the night before the play opens while giving his final set of encouraging notes. The audience is initially unsure if he is actually tearing his hair out until they witness the yelps, screams and blood. The final scene is the night of the play and the play ends with the opening of the curtain. In the end the play within a play concept created much confusion for everyone, mostly the playwright who just couldn't keep track of having an actual set of actors and director as well as actors and a director in the play. The playwright also cast someone as a playwright, although they had no lines or entrances and weren't actually in the play. Their main job was to make toast for the playwright and to keep the toast coming.
9) The Job Interview – A man is about to be interviewed for a job. He is VERY nervous and is profusely sweating to the point where it may influence his chances negatively. As the play opens we see him sitting down in the waiting room, bouncing his leg up and down, then jumping up and pacing up and down the room. There are others in the room too, also waiting to be interviewed and they are either very calm or just calm in comparison. Finally it is his turn and he enters the interview room and sits at a desk in front of a woman with glasses and a stern, impatient look on her face. She asks him some basic questions looking bored and disinterested the entire time. His answers are full of stammering and stuttering and most of what he says is nearly incomprehensible. It does not seem to be going well at all and as soon as it began, the interview is over. A few socially appropriate niceties are shared and he turns to leave the room. As he grips the door handle. She jumps up and says "Stop!" He turns overly dramatically and slowly and she whips off her glasses throwing them on the desk and unfurls her hair and they run to each other and embrace and start a very very long makeout session that is either unscripted or just really poorly scripted. Some audience members grow quite uncomfortable watching the two kiss for such a long time and will demand a refund, other audience members feel that they got a fairly good deal on their ticket and a small section of the audience will take out their wallets during the performance and offer tens and twenties to the couple in the hopes that they may take it further. At last, the kiss is over, she retrieves her glasses and hair tie from the floor and he straightens his hair. She touches his face, gently at first, then pawing at it like a cute little bear and then much more aggressively almost as if she is kneading it until she is actually kneading it. He stands there stunned. The nervousness is gone and he turns to the audience and launches into a long monologue about why he is so nervous and it all started when he was a child and his parents rewarded him with chocolate and hugs when he displayed anxiety. He would ask his mother for a hug goodnight and she would refuse and make him ask again only this time with more jittering. He would ask his father for a chocolate bar and his father wanted to see more anguish and caution before he would relent. Retrospectively, he feels that he should have known as a child that this was wrong, but, he loved hugs and even more so chocolate. The story goes on to talk about the years of therapy to deal with his nearly crippling anxiety and chocolate fixation. He had a schoolboy crush on his therapist which he never acted upon mostly as he was 30. We learn about his inability to hold a job as he would want to hug anyone who made him nervous. He talked of the long, lonely nights, sitting in his easy chair just profusely sweating and hoping for a break. His story ends with the present day. Then she steps forward and tells her story. She was raised in a small apartment in the heart of the city by two strict and unloving parents who only showed love for her when she was brushing her hair. At an early age she took a part-time job hoping to save money for some smart business casual outfits with the hope to wear them one day. A pivotal moment in her life was her first eye exam. The optometrist would become her first lover, but it was a love doomed to fail as he literally only loved her for her eyes. The next big highlight came when she left home to go away to school and had saved up to buy her first blazer. The man who sold her the blazer became her lover as well and he was always giving her random pieces of fabric to show his love for her. This relationship also failed when it became clear that she was nothing but a living and breathing mannequin to him. She got a job in human resources mostly as she was intrigued at the idea of seeing humans as resources. She loved her work and was on the cusp of inventing a whole new method of human resourcing mostly involving glue. And then she met our nervous guy. The play ends with the two locked in embrace and starting to kiss again. The audience leaves happy for the two that they have found each other but also needing a cold shower. It is completely unclear whether he got the job, what kind of job it even was and whether the kissing was part of the interview.
10) Life - The lights come up on a stage with five actors sitting on stools all in a straight-line facing the audience. The stage is bare, their costumes are black and their faces expressionless. There is no music accompanying this opening and the silence is finally shattered by the voice over that says "When it all began they were happy" and we hear the actors squealing with joy, laughing and practically singing about how pleased they feel until we hear a loud "ding" and they immediately stop. The voice says "Then they were angry" followed by the five actors yelling, screaming and vocalizing all of their anger until we hear the "ding" and all are instantly silent again. After a moment, the voice says "Afterwards they grew sad" and the actors cry, weep and moan about their complete unhappiness until the "ding". The voice says "they danced" and the actors all rose from their stools and danced a beautifully choreographed contemporary routine where they start out moving like leaves blowing in the wind, followed by a change in tempo where they transition into looking like lost wolves in a snowy forest. The music becomes more upbeat and the actors gracefully leap all over the stage holding a variety of colourful ribbons. This stunning section of the dance is followed by the dancers dancing like old-fashioned robots badly in need of some oil until a woman enters vividly from offstage wearing a huge scary mask and emitting a noise that sounds like equal parts cackling and laughing. The others stop, stunned by this dramatic entrance and also because they really need some oil. She oils them and leaves. The music then becomes beautiful and flowing and the actors move as if they are water being poured from a pitcher onto an unsuspecting cat or water being emptied from a large bath or waves slowly lapping onto the beach (all water analogies are apt as there is a sound of dripping water in the music - mostly because someone forgot to fix the tap that was dripping in the background as they recorded the music at the studio). And the dance concludes with the five moving as one hitching and halting and changing directions dramatically almost as if controlled by a large, invisible joystick until they collapse in a heap on the floor breathing as one as the music tapers down to a single, repeated note on a piano. We hear a "ding" and the voice returns and says "Finally, they slept" and the actors are yawning, brushing their teeth and quietly rocking back and forth ending in sleep. The quiet snoring and breathing is interrupted with the loudest "ding" and then blackout. The audience will leave either feeling that the play was a beautifully touching story about the plight of the modern man or that it was totally confusing, unfocused drivel that is evidence of the playwright either running out of ideas, needing medical attention or both.
7) The Counsellor – This play takes place inside a high school's counsellor's office. The first scene is of an empty room as the director doesn't want to shock the audience and rush into things and also he was just too cheap to hire any actual actors (maybe if he cut back on all of the egg benedicts he devours he could afford some?) Thankfully the scene is not that long and in the second scene a student enters stage right (doctor told him the director that he must cut back on the hollandaise) and has come in to see their counsellor for help. Before opening up about the real issues the student tells a long, elaborate, mostly time-wasting story about her fascination with paper and also her concern that she will one day run out and will have many regrets. The counsellor goes on and on about trying to live without regret mostly as it is poor for your complexion and also because her time would be better spent feeling guilty as that is more marketable in this day and age. She nods her head wistfully, while he takes out his note book and starts frantically jotting down notes all-the-while using massive amounts of hand sanitizer. There is a long pause in their conversation and both peer around and look out the window to ensure no one is watching and then they both walk down the hall and into a large adjoining room that is full of pants and many students are hard at work sewing, cutting and folding finished pants and packing them in boxes. We learn that the counselling suite is a mere front for a large, illegal pant making and distribution centre. The counsellor is the boss - a hard-as-nails, take-no-nonsense, insists-on-eating-all-food-in-either-"fingers"-or-finger-shapes man who breaks into an elaborate song-and-dance number (note: this is not a musical, and the song was not part of the play - this actor has decided to improvise) about his ongoing complicated relationship with pants and people who wear them and his desire to not only clothe the people of the world in the finest of pants made from the best fabrics but also to profit illegally from this. The student is taken aback by the song and after gathering themselves for a moment, responds with a song of their own just in case it is a sing-off. The student sings of a world in the future where everyone has equal access to pants and have evolved to a point where visiting aliens won't be able to tell where the pants end and the person begins. The song is so moving, that all of the actors break down and cry all-the-while gently stroking each other's pant legs and murmuring "pants...pants...pants". The songs are so catchy that the play somehow decides to make the full conversion to a musical and the play ends with the entire cast singing a song in alternating verses about the history of illegal clothing rings and how easy it is to use high school counselling departments as a front for illegal clothing rings. Audiences love this rousing number and they are all a buzz so much so that they miss the disclaimer from the director that absolves him of any wrongdoing in case anyone just happens to try this themselves.
8) The Rehearsal – The school play is supposed to go on next week and this play is about the final week of dress rehearsals and all of the mishaps that occur. The play focuses on the nervousness and off-stage, behind-the-scenes interpersonal drama of this play within a play. This playwright (that's me!) decided to capture every stereotypical situation and use them to the extreme. That means instead of the actors solely feeling a bit anxious as the tension of opening night fast approaches, half the cast is stricken with such intense anxiety, that they are rushed en mass to the local university hospital for observations and tranquilizers. This also means that instead of one actor cheating on his girlfriend with one of the female leads, the entire cast are all involved in a multitude of relationships that involve almost every single paring imaginable (including some that aren't). The second act only involves behind-the-curtains kissing, breakups, crying and then more kissing and it is so confusing about who did what with him and who is seeing who, that the playwright didn't even try to make logical sense of it. After a while the actors don't even bother going behind curtains. Incidentally, a downside of all of the scripted relationships is that it put a real strain on some of the actual relationship the actors were in before the play mostly as a result of the actors becoming totally confused due to the sheer number of different relationships they were in during the course of this play. Usually the week of dress rehearsals is full of forgotten lines, sets that aren't complete, and an overall concern that the play won't come together on time, and all of these are present in this play as well. One scene is only actors forgetting their lines. Another scene shows sets literally falling apart and falling on actors causing serious injuries (the Worker's Compensation Board has a booth set up backstage). The director had to work hard to avoid too many actually injuries caused by sets actually falling apart and was aiming for something far more artistic. Another scene is the director reading the cast notes and alternating between berating them for being such amazingly horrible actors and literally kissing their feet and wrapping them with the finest of silk scarves (the director has a huge collection of silk scarves that he has loaned to the actor playing the director in the play to dole out as he sees fit). We see a scene where the actors are discussing mutiny and taking over this sinking ship with the voice of reason finally being heard that it is a play not a boat (the confusion being that the play in the play takes place on a boat that is meant to be sinking), despite the overall sinking feeling, which is quite real. The actors go so far as buying some rope to tie the director up with, until they decide to make a really great rope sculpture which is enjoyed by all and becomes a symbol of their unhappiness. We also see a scene where the director addresses himself in the mirror and covers a variety of topics including why he didn't become a doctor as his mother wanted, why he didn't become a lawyer as his father wanted, why he didn't become a director as he wanted (remember, he is only an actor playing a director, which is actually quite a slap in the face and a daily reminder of your own shortcomings for a person who wanted to be a director). He tears his hair out the night before the play opens while giving his final set of encouraging notes. The audience is initially unsure if he is actually tearing his hair out until they witness the yelps, screams and blood. The final scene is the night of the play and the play ends with the opening of the curtain. In the end the play within a play concept created much confusion for everyone, mostly the playwright who just couldn't keep track of having an actual set of actors and director as well as actors and a director in the play. The playwright also cast someone as a playwright, although they had no lines or entrances and weren't actually in the play. Their main job was to make toast for the playwright and to keep the toast coming.
9) The Job Interview – A man is about to be interviewed for a job. He is VERY nervous and is profusely sweating to the point where it may influence his chances negatively. As the play opens we see him sitting down in the waiting room, bouncing his leg up and down, then jumping up and pacing up and down the room. There are others in the room too, also waiting to be interviewed and they are either very calm or just calm in comparison. Finally it is his turn and he enters the interview room and sits at a desk in front of a woman with glasses and a stern, impatient look on her face. She asks him some basic questions looking bored and disinterested the entire time. His answers are full of stammering and stuttering and most of what he says is nearly incomprehensible. It does not seem to be going well at all and as soon as it began, the interview is over. A few socially appropriate niceties are shared and he turns to leave the room. As he grips the door handle. She jumps up and says "Stop!" He turns overly dramatically and slowly and she whips off her glasses throwing them on the desk and unfurls her hair and they run to each other and embrace and start a very very long makeout session that is either unscripted or just really poorly scripted. Some audience members grow quite uncomfortable watching the two kiss for such a long time and will demand a refund, other audience members feel that they got a fairly good deal on their ticket and a small section of the audience will take out their wallets during the performance and offer tens and twenties to the couple in the hopes that they may take it further. At last, the kiss is over, she retrieves her glasses and hair tie from the floor and he straightens his hair. She touches his face, gently at first, then pawing at it like a cute little bear and then much more aggressively almost as if she is kneading it until she is actually kneading it. He stands there stunned. The nervousness is gone and he turns to the audience and launches into a long monologue about why he is so nervous and it all started when he was a child and his parents rewarded him with chocolate and hugs when he displayed anxiety. He would ask his mother for a hug goodnight and she would refuse and make him ask again only this time with more jittering. He would ask his father for a chocolate bar and his father wanted to see more anguish and caution before he would relent. Retrospectively, he feels that he should have known as a child that this was wrong, but, he loved hugs and even more so chocolate. The story goes on to talk about the years of therapy to deal with his nearly crippling anxiety and chocolate fixation. He had a schoolboy crush on his therapist which he never acted upon mostly as he was 30. We learn about his inability to hold a job as he would want to hug anyone who made him nervous. He talked of the long, lonely nights, sitting in his easy chair just profusely sweating and hoping for a break. His story ends with the present day. Then she steps forward and tells her story. She was raised in a small apartment in the heart of the city by two strict and unloving parents who only showed love for her when she was brushing her hair. At an early age she took a part-time job hoping to save money for some smart business casual outfits with the hope to wear them one day. A pivotal moment in her life was her first eye exam. The optometrist would become her first lover, but it was a love doomed to fail as he literally only loved her for her eyes. The next big highlight came when she left home to go away to school and had saved up to buy her first blazer. The man who sold her the blazer became her lover as well and he was always giving her random pieces of fabric to show his love for her. This relationship also failed when it became clear that she was nothing but a living and breathing mannequin to him. She got a job in human resources mostly as she was intrigued at the idea of seeing humans as resources. She loved her work and was on the cusp of inventing a whole new method of human resourcing mostly involving glue. And then she met our nervous guy. The play ends with the two locked in embrace and starting to kiss again. The audience leaves happy for the two that they have found each other but also needing a cold shower. It is completely unclear whether he got the job, what kind of job it even was and whether the kissing was part of the interview.
10) Life - The lights come up on a stage with five actors sitting on stools all in a straight-line facing the audience. The stage is bare, their costumes are black and their faces expressionless. There is no music accompanying this opening and the silence is finally shattered by the voice over that says "When it all began they were happy" and we hear the actors squealing with joy, laughing and practically singing about how pleased they feel until we hear a loud "ding" and they immediately stop. The voice says "Then they were angry" followed by the five actors yelling, screaming and vocalizing all of their anger until we hear the "ding" and all are instantly silent again. After a moment, the voice says "Afterwards they grew sad" and the actors cry, weep and moan about their complete unhappiness until the "ding". The voice says "they danced" and the actors all rose from their stools and danced a beautifully choreographed contemporary routine where they start out moving like leaves blowing in the wind, followed by a change in tempo where they transition into looking like lost wolves in a snowy forest. The music becomes more upbeat and the actors gracefully leap all over the stage holding a variety of colourful ribbons. This stunning section of the dance is followed by the dancers dancing like old-fashioned robots badly in need of some oil until a woman enters vividly from offstage wearing a huge scary mask and emitting a noise that sounds like equal parts cackling and laughing. The others stop, stunned by this dramatic entrance and also because they really need some oil. She oils them and leaves. The music then becomes beautiful and flowing and the actors move as if they are water being poured from a pitcher onto an unsuspecting cat or water being emptied from a large bath or waves slowly lapping onto the beach (all water analogies are apt as there is a sound of dripping water in the music - mostly because someone forgot to fix the tap that was dripping in the background as they recorded the music at the studio). And the dance concludes with the five moving as one hitching and halting and changing directions dramatically almost as if controlled by a large, invisible joystick until they collapse in a heap on the floor breathing as one as the music tapers down to a single, repeated note on a piano. We hear a "ding" and the voice returns and says "Finally, they slept" and the actors are yawning, brushing their teeth and quietly rocking back and forth ending in sleep. The quiet snoring and breathing is interrupted with the loudest "ding" and then blackout. The audience will leave either feeling that the play was a beautifully touching story about the plight of the modern man or that it was totally confusing, unfocused drivel that is evidence of the playwright either running out of ideas, needing medical attention or both.
