How to Ask a Girl Out in High School

So, you are in high school and you think you've found the girl of your dreams. You don't want to mess things up you say? Well, you've come to the right place as I've been where you are so many times in my past and said and done the wrong things enough to be considered a Rhodes Scholar on the subject. Do you want to get the girl? Follow this advice.

Approach with confidence. Nothing says "don't date me" louder than a total lack of spine. Check those feelings of self-doubt, no matter how strong, at the door. If confidence is generally a challenge for you, consider an accessory like a hard-to-place accent or freshly baked cookies.

Timing is everything! Attempt to catch her at a moment of weakness. Tears are your friend and your queue to enter. If you are lucky she will have just been asked out by a real loser making you seem relatively cooler in comparison.

It is important that she is alone when you approach so you can have her undivided attention in case you decide to perform some magic tricks. Don't perform magic tricks.

In all likelihood she will be surrounded by her girlfriends, who are like a pack of wild dogs. If they believe their friend is under attack, and they will, they will rip your face off. Bring raw steaks.

Don't forget about hygiene! Any extra washing or positive aromas or sparkling teeth are a plus. Now is not the time to show off your acne or your recent ability to grow a handlebar moustache.

I can't say enough about being prepared. Stretch, warmup your vocal chords, liberally apply moisturizers and memorize all of her posts on social media in the past 12 months.

Open with a compliment about her appearance. Don't be too descriptive or graphic or overly verbose. You may be the next Shakespeare or star soft porn director, but now is not the time to show off. Keep it simple and appropriate as if your grandmother happened to be around. Don't bring your grandmother.

Make small talk. This is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate that you are down-to-Earth and normal. Ask her about something general and non-personal like school, music, or taxation.

Don't be too subtle. It is okay to be transparent about how you feel in your comments. If you are aiming for actual transparency, consider opening your science textbook on a more regular basis. It may not be safe for you to be around other humans.

Tell her you like her and want to go out with her, but not in those words. Strike a balance between perplexingly vague and creepy.

Obvious signs to watch for that she is not interested include, but are not limited to, shrieking, constant warning of imminent bear attacks, vacant looks by her where she looks as if she is dying a slow death and being tasered.

If you have gotten this far, good job! You may now proceed and ask her out on a date. You may never know if she is truly into you or is using you as part of a detailed plan of revenge. Thankfully you don't care.

Present a detailed date proposal analyzing the costs, benefits and risks of plans A through H and then step back in anticipation of a standing ovation followed by a brief question and answer period. 

With plans set, excuse yourself. Walk off slowly and proudly on a grassy field in the gleaming sun towards the horizon like a general returning from war. You are a hero and the things of which statues are made on.

Trust Me

"Trust me" she said as I sat cross-legged on the floor of her office refusing to make eye contact.

Pissed off.

Wanting to swear.

Hating everyone and everything.

I have never trusted counsellors or therapists or shrinks and I wasn't about to start now.

Silence.

Aside from the trickling water from her water feature.

And the ticking of the clock.

Is my time done yet?

Can I retreat again to my world, my room, my head?

Called down to the counsellor; how embarrassing.

I'm sure they all had a good laugh.

She explains her job and then starts asking questions that I have no interest in answering, tells a joke, trying a little to hard to be my friend.

Acting like she knows me but she doesn't know me at all.

She's a stranger.

But there is just something about her and this room and I am surprised that I am actually tempted to finally open up to someone about everything, but it is so hard.

Sometimes my secrets feel like all I've got.

I'm trapped like sand in an hour glass; shifting and moving and pouring but never really going anywhere.

Where to start....

I gaze up at the windows.

It is so bright outside and I feel so dark inside.

Is that a paradox? I know it's something. 

I catch myself before a small smile crosses my lips - did she see?

I must be super-interesting or maybe it's just a slow day because she just can't take her eyes off me. 

Am I on display here?

Is she going to observe me like a biologist tracking the patterns in animals in captivity?

Is it my move? Which piece to play?

But...maybe she could help and maybe I could feel better if I lifted the veil that has been figuratively covering me for so long I can't remember but maybe I like it better this way as everyone leaves me alone all the time like I'm contagious except for that nosy English teacher who just had to read my poem and freak out.

Or maybe I wanted that all along?

Was I crying for help?

Was that my plan?

Did I want to be here, sitting with her, opening up and being helped and actually listened to and finally heard?

Maybe.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Sighhhhhh.

It would feel good to share.

It would feel good to tell my story.

I look up and meet her eyes and she smiles.

Almost literally trembling, I open my mouth as if to speak, but I pause, and look down at the worn carpet again.

What to share and how much and if I start to talk can I control myself as I do want help with certain things, but don't want to share everything and I definitely don't want to cry, not here and not in front of this lady I barely know.

Her phone rings.

She ignores it and slides her chair a little closer to mine.

Tells me she is here for me and wants to help.

Tells me what I'm going through is normal but that it doesn't have to be this way.

"Talking helps."

I look up again, meeting her calm and caring eyes.

Is this a trap?

No!

Take a deep breath and another.

And then as if a scarecrow giving in to a heavy wind, I begin.