Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

So you have been invited over for dinner? While some would be celebrating or excited, you seem to be mostly stunned. A little nervous, are we? Well, you are not alone - we are all nervous. Being a guest for dinner is so challenging especially when the hosts are your in-laws, your boss or even the rare times when your boss' in-laws call you up.

You are probably overwhelmed thinking about what to say, which fork to use for what and how off-colour your jokes should be. And it is just so hard to concentrate on eating without making a mess with all of these other thoughts swarming around in your head as well as staying attentive enough so as not to miss the off-chance that you are actually called upon for your opinion.

Well, worry no longer! We are here to help you not only relax and enjoy yourself, but also to be considered an amazing guest and a cinch to be one of the first included the next time a dinner party is held. Here are some helpful hints on how to be an amazingly awesome guest for dinner.

1) When greeted at the door, immediately comment on how beautiful and handsome your hosts are as well as saying that whatever they paid their plastic surgeon it was 100% worth it despite what their neighbours say.

2) The house will be stunning and immaculate, which means that your dust and dust mite inspection should be brief.

3) Before being seated, you insist on playing musical chairs and will not take "no" or "we're grownups" or "have you taken your meds?" for an answer.

4) If the meal starts with a breadbasket, you are initially only interested in artisanal baked goods although you quickly modify that by demanding baked goods that are very high in fiber and then insisting that only flour from ancient grains be used, before finally settling on gluten free. Once the bread arrives, decide to save your appetite for the main course.

5) Insist on everything being free-range, even those things that cannot be, like carrots and wine.

6) You only eat salads comprised of micro-greens, yet, the greens the salad is comprised of can never be micro enough.

7) Propose a long, rambling, mostly unintelligible toast to your gracious hosts before dissolving into loud, sobbing tears.

8) Yes, you would love some champagne, but not the kind that is fizzy as that makes you burp. When served some flat champagne make "she's crazy" faces and hand movements when your host has looked away.

9) Food must be seasoned well and for you Pink Himalayan Rock Salt is required on your meal. You won't be fooled by labels or common hoaxes like receipts from health food stores. No, you need to see actual, physical proof that your hosts mined the salt themselves in the Himalayas within the past 3 months.

10) Your intolerances include, but are not limited to, dairy, nuts, wheat and investment bankers.

11) If one of your fellow dining companions choses to tell a story that doesn't feature you as the protagonist or hero, mock snore like a cartoon baboon until the story either includes you or comes to an end.

12) You only eat salmon that is wild, organic and caught by actual grizzly bears.

13) To aid with digestion, you prefer sipping unbottled water served directly out of local glaciers regardless of how close your host's house is to the nearest glacier.

14) If food is served featuring thinly sliced foods cut on a mandoline, you would also like a quartet of  musicians playing Spanish ballads on mandolins at the same time. Just seems appropriate.

15) When nibbling on some cured meats before dinner, you insist on knowing exactly what they were cured of.

16) For your eating pleasure you would benefit from having a table setting with no fewer than 5 forks, which you would not actually eat with seeing as you always bring your own.

17) If a roast has been prepared, you will be carving it after a confusing prayer that involves a high-risk sword demonstration. End of conversation.

18) If conversation slows down or becomes awkward, which it will, break out an obscenity-laden gangsta rap using a chicken drumstick as a mic.

19) You insist that everything connected in any way to the dessert be flaming - like literally on fire.

20) The evening is over and it is time to go home, which is your cue to launch into a biting critique of the evening expressed in third person that will later on end up on your blog.