Thursday, July 30, 2015

See Me Again Soon


"See me again soon" she gently suggested after the bell had abruptly halted our session.
"Maybe" I told her honestly as I grabbed my bag and left her office.
I was exhausted. Why did I feel so drained?
The hallways were teeming with students as I just stood there. I felt like a stationary boulder misplaced among the coursing rapids.
"You were speaking to the counsellor?" I turned. it was an old buddy of mine whom I had drifted from recently.
"Nah. She just wanted to talk to me about my classes." I responded a little too quickly. "Making sure I wasn't going to fail math this term."
He nodded his head; unconvinced. Asked me how I had been and where I had been and when we were going to hang out.
I looked outside at the pouring rain as if in a trance. My mind was playing and replaying the past half hour with her.
It was unmistakable; I did feel lighter.
"I'll message you" I told him, though we both knew that I wouldn't, and I plugged myself into my music, threw my hood over my head and braced myself for the elements.
The rain.
I love the rain.
The chill, the smell, the sound.
I remember my dad taking me for walks in the rain when I was a little kid. Holding his hand, splashing in puddles, feeding the ducks, getting soaked and not caring at all as we laughed and laughed.
What happened to that kid?
How did I get here?
Where is the exit door?
I walked home through a path in the park. Wet socks.
She was nice, that counsellor.
In the past, counsellors called home, talked to parents, broke confidence. Made things worse.
I wanted to trust her, but...
I was standing in front of the playground where I used to play often as a child. Swinging so high, almost touching the branches of the tree that we also climbed and ran around.
Happy memories.
Why was it so hard to talk about how I feel now?
I want to, but something always stops me.
Am I stopping me?
Why?
Rain drops were making a loud sound on the metal slide and rolling down forming a small pool at the bottom. Could I allow myself to roll down the slide towards feeling better? More like myself again?
I looked up at the sky. It had been a little bit sunny only a short while ago when I was sitting in her office and I smiled at the a-little-too obvious connection. Does she have that sort of power?
Sometimes, when I sit in my room, I just get so angry that I want to punch the walls or break my computer. I want to slap myself so hard that I feel something so I can change. Everything sucks right now and I hate it!
I wondered how I must look to someone sitting in a car driving by - standing in the wet playground, holding the slide for support, not budging. So stubborn.
She wants to help.
I need help.
It's so easy, and yet it isn't.
My phone buzzed. Mom. Wondering where I am and if I'll be home soon.
Staring at the words on the small screen as if they were a foreign language.
It buzzed again "Come home soon."
I had shut her out and treated her like crap, and yet, she was still there and I knew deep down that she always would be.
She had done nothing wrong. I had made her feel that she had.
I was exhausted, but I couldn't trick myself any longer as even that little bit of sharing and revealing how I felt did feel good.
I gripped the slide and whispered to myself "let's give that counsellor another try."
And I started off towards the warmth and dryness of home.

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