Saturday, January 10, 2015

Team "Eat Your Greens!"

Team Description in Program for 2015 National Ultimate Frisbee Championships

Eat Your Greens (Vancouver - Mixed division)

"Eat your greens!" your mother probably said to you when you were growing up or even as recently as yesterday if you still haven't started eating them. Everyone is starting to wonder why you won't even try your greens! If your mother didn't say "eat your greens" and you feel like you really missed out, then we can be hired to say "eat your greens" at a rate of $1.25/exclamation. If you purchase a set of 5, we will toss in a few "clean your rooms", "stop bothering your sisters" and "stop obsessively inflating and deflating all of the basketballs and soccer balls in your room while listening to ear-splitting death metal" (it's highly possible that only our mothers said that one and it's highly possible she also ate way too many greens and still has active outpatient status). So, no, we are not your mothers…yet, but we are looking into rectifying that in the near future as soon as the roast is out of the oven.

We are the almost-too-attractive team that are wearing the almost-too-attractive sparkling green jerseys that give us the appearance of lettuce. We liberally toss around the expression almost-too-attractive as we were all there the day that the team that was completely-too-attractive showed up and we remember the beauty and carnage that followed. If it was ever possible on this great blue and green planet for carnage to be awe-inspiringly beautiful it was on that day. We pale in comparison mostly due to our sunscreen usage and our total lack of desire to clean up any messes unless it is after the opening of some pomegranates as we are crazy for super fruits.

This year’s National Championships ends a three-year worldwide journey - a quest if you will - in search of some really good kale and Swiss chard although we would have been fairly satisfied with a salad made up of escarole and Belgian endive. Our travels had us living as Buddhist monks in the mountains of Tibet, bull runners in a small Spanish village, and pastry chefs in Hoboken, New Jersey (which was eerily similar to living as a monk aside from all of the gambling and hairdos). Along the way, we threw plenty of discs, sometimes to each other, sometimes at nearby water buffalo and sometimes out of spite. Then there were the times we contemplated what "throwing a frisbee" really meant in the larger scheme of things. We decided it mostly a cry for help.

We flat out eat more greens per team then anyone else and this is based on the ratio of greens eaten, or otherwise ingested, per gram raised to the power of our collective IQ, but divided by the percentage of skin that is not now, nor ever will be, freckled, and if you don't believe us – bring it on! We’ll out “green” all of you haters! We'll be all like “green” and you'll be all like not listening and stuff and then we'll be all like “GREEN”, and you'll be all confused and smacking your face and be asking us to stop “greening you” and we'll lean back (and I mean way back) and just smile. That smile could be on display in a museum that just hasn't been built yet. While we are waiting we'll just continue reading self help books instead, as it has been strongly recommended by everyone we know.

Our style is so avant-garde, that it has been known to actually knock your socks off (you could help by taking them most of the way off beforehand to ensure the trick works!) In fact, we were once told that we were so post-modern that it made the term lose all meaning which actually bummed everyone out as they loved referring to things as post-modern because it made them feel good. We also want to make you feel good and, to help that cause, we will hand out to each person who greets us a big handful of shredded iceberg lettuce that would go really well on top of some tacos. Tacos not included. So, look for us on the fields at Nationals where we will either be winning in style, losing in style or attempting to blend in by impersonating some parrots.

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