Thursday, November 6, 2014

If I Was in Charge of Science

I'd love to see scientists come up with a half-bush/half-of-a-different-bush hybrid. We'd then be able to enjoy all of the luscious green foliage of a really wonderful bush combined with a totally equally cool but radically different bush just for those who enjoy the juxtaposition of different bushes and for those who are bored in this singular-bush world in which we live.

Could someone take a break from saving the environment to invent a machine where I can put two food items in and out pops a delectable cross of the two? I know what you are thinking - why don't you just put two pieces of food in your mouth at the same time and chew? To which I reply, I don't tell you how to eat your food so please don't tell me how to eat mine (unless you have a recipe for some great marinade). Do you happen to have a pickle and banana and are not interested in eating them together because you aren't crazy or pregnant (I am NOT saying that pregnant women are crazy, just that they have interesting food combinations that appeal to them, their wide range and unpredictable nature of their emotions and...I have no idea how to finish that sentence) but you do want to eat them and satisfy not only your sense of taste but as many other senses as well without cramming both in your mouth as a big bite of banana and pickle is not what you are in the mood for. So, in my mind, you'd throw the two items in, you'd press a few buttons and out would pop a piece of food never before seen by humans - it would have the appearance of a banana, the aroma of a banana but with the crunchy, garlicky, dilly, juiciness of a wonderful pickle. You could also make a pickle that you could slice into your breakfast cereal bowl as it would only look like a pickle but taste like a perfectly ripened banana. I'm sure it would take some getting used to - the juxtaposition of the conflicting smell and taste, but over time the combinations would be seemingly endless and as I continue to think about this I am questioning if this is an invention worth pursuing after all. 

It would be great if somehow someone took all of the fish in the sea and gave them large, comically-sized ears. This would have no practical purpose aside from making most people a whole lot happier and driving up aquarium ticket sales around the world. Plus it would provide that one fish who had always dreamed of being an ear, nose and throat specialist to not get burned out on just working on noses and throats. If we can help that one fish fulfill his dream of working on other fishes' ears then we must.

Those technology whiz kids should build a computer that can not only solve every possible mathematical question that humans can pose but find a way to either eliminate the need for all math or make the equations sexier. I'm not sure what impact the two extremes of sexier math or no math would have, but I think we should take that brave step (or series of steps I'm honestly not sure how much walking is involved) towards the future.

Figure out a way to get those slugs to do things just a little bit faster and harder and, while you are at it, I would suggest renaming them as the current name is just not helping. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe a name that would get them all angry and pissed off would also help them rid their reputation for being sluggish. I suggest Steve. Then, once we have these Steve's working harder and faster, I say we put them to work improving our country's infrastructure as well as building some new statues and monuments - maybe a pyramid or two?

Please continue developing and expanding the field of animal magnetism. It would be so useful (and awesome!) to have lots of magnetic animals to aid us in our beachcombing efforts (I mean, I was walking the dog already, may as well put him to use), using house pets to help pick up those annoyingly easily spilled iron filings (why do I keep so many iron filings around the house in the first place is a conversation for another day) and when trying to attract the opposite gender who happen to be wearing clothes that produce a magnetic field which will almost definitely be a fashion trend in the future.

It is high time that we had a cat-dog. I'm actually shocked that we don't have one of these potentially, domesticated super animals that could provide me the sloppy companionship and panting friendship of a dog with the endless purring and lap dominating of a cat. I imagine this cat-dog would get a bit annoying what with the endless whining and barking and shedding and hair balls...why did I think this was such a good idea in the first place?

And while we are on the subject of hybrids, I'd love to have all of the bloodthirsty ferociousness of a shark combined with the fluffy adorableness of a little bunny rabbit and then slowly and surely amass an army of these overly cute lethal assassins who would be fully ready to swim or hop at my command.

I was reading about a driverless car idea that is being worked on. What a great idea! Those people who think up those ideas are so smart! But I do see some issues that will need to be ironed out. For example, it could lead to a whole series of driverless cars cutting each other off and driving dangerously. My question is how will they argue? Lots of beeps and honks and flashing of high beams, I guess. Is that an actual language for cars? Could they differentiate between happy honks and beeps and angry ones? Maybe that sort of subtlety will be lost on all cars or on only certain cars creating a divide amongst them. As much as I want to lay in the backseat eating popcorn and letting my car do all the driving, I don't want to see the cars fall into castes or cliques unnecessarily. I also can see that pretty soon after the cars are in charge of the driving the cars they may start developing an attitude or even expecting a tip. And then, invariably, they will start texting on their phones while driving and cops will pull them over and struggle with how to ticket a car for an infraction. But that will seem easy by comparison when the cop cars themselves start operating sans driver and then we will have driverless chases, cop cars stopping for coffee and doughnuts and then being frustrated at being unable to consume them as they have no mouths and then putting them under the hood by instinct rendering themselves undriveable leading to more coffee and doughnut time and putting on some extra weight around the middle. I can imagine police cars arresting offending civilian cars and feeling conflicted because, in the end, they are all cars. But again, smart guys, great idea! Keep 'em coming!

I also think it would be great if scientists could invent a spray that would act as a sunscreen, bug repellent, mate attractor, flu shot all-the-while providing a refreshing pine scent giving me the allure of cleanliness.

And why hasn't someone invented a serum that not only compelled the ingestor to tell the truth but also also to tell one amazingly convoluted, yet compelling in both its detail and implausibility, lie each hour on the hour. This would be great for entertainment sake, would make the truth that much more satisfying in comparison and would help all of us set our timepieces.

I'd love for one of you scientists to come up with a laser that we could shoot at each other or at ourselves if we were able to set up a series of reflecting panels that would give us skills that we didn't already have. Note #1: I will only be interested in using said lasers if the probability of incineration was zero. Note #2: I still fully expect the lasers to make the cool science fiction-y sound effects that we are used to from the movies, but still, just to be clear, not able to kill me or burn me, unless the skill I learned was really fabulous thus counter-acting the burns. Note #3: They should still look like the futuristic ones we see on our screens but, once again (sorry if this is redundant), without the ability to harm me in any way unless the skill I want to learn involves a little bit of harming (not quite sure what kind of skill that would be). I just feel really strongly about not being hurt.

How about some sort of sensor I could stick in my tea that would let me know when I can sip without scalding my tongue and causing me, in the short term, to lose all sensations in my mouth and, in the long term, never approach a cup of tea with the same youthful enthusiasm and carefree approach towards liquids again.

Spray on towels! You cannot tell me that is a bad idea! At the beach just coming out of the water shivering? BOOM! Spray on towel! Just took a super relaxing bath and realize the towel rod is empty? KABLAMMO! Spray on towel! Looking to win that game of towel monsters by simply outnumbering your son and daughter and smothering them with a sneak attack? POW! Spray on towel! All alone because you alienated everyone you know as you keep spraying on towels? KONG! Spray on towel and keep spraying until your tears have stopped and you have enough towels to both keep you warm, thus saving on heating bills, and have enough towel-friends for a good game of twister.

I certainly hope someone is working on a contraption that can help me so I don't have to touch so much stuff in my daily life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a germaphobe, I just want to focus on my other senses for a while and my fingers are a little tired too.

Here is one for you - a pill that enables the ingestor to very quickly gain a lot of weight in one or more isolated areas on their body - like the right thigh or the ears or an internal organ. The newly enlarged body part would also increase it's value or usage or ability to do whatever it does proportionally to its new size. Imagine how awesome it would be to have a huge kidney that really filtered things and became the envy of the other internal organs that usually make it feel so small or really large left foot that would be perfect for kicking down doors, stomping out forest fires and making scary sets of differently-sized foot prints for leaving on the beach and un-dried sections of concrete to suggest the existence of a local monster to freak out the locals or really large teeth just so I could have the world's largest smile, because, in the end, that is the only thing that matters.

And while we are on the subject of pills, how about one that would help me remember every detail about everything that ever happened to me and even add in cool information about the activity that I didn't know in the first place. Like there was that time years ago when my friends and I went out for pizza. It was so long ago that I barely remember what we talked about, what we were wearing and what we did afterwards. I take one simple, easily digestible pill with minimal side effects and then all of a sudden I remember everything! And I mean everything - clothes, our order, EVERYTHING that everyone said as well as also being given intriguing historical information about the restaurant, pizza, shady business deals of the owner and being informed that our waitress was also studying to be a dental hygienist at night school and was only working at the pizza restaurant to help pay the bills and as a favour to her sister who was married to the owner as he had a few people call in sick. With just one little pill you'd have so much detail it would make your head spin and you'd also know exactly why it was spinning, how long it was spinning for and how fast. Now, you may wonder why anyone would want to take this - aren't we all enjoying our blissful existence full of partial memories and vaguely remembered conversations and always wondering if you know that face from somewhere? Sure, but wouldn't it be cool to be a literal walking encyclopedia with a perfect memory who knows everything about everything even the painful things you've buried deep deep down and would love to forget?...on second thought, this doesn't sound that great after all. Sounds like you'd be an annoying know-it-all with no friends and an addiction to pills.

I, for one, would love to have some air conditioned clothes. I could then have a cool, breezy look about me all the time which I can only imagine will lead towards a small group of like-minded citizens to follow my lead. We will be the cool, breezy people who never have to endure the embarrassment and discomfort of sweat stains, or damp underwear, or stinky socks. We will be those happy, airy folks who always look fresh and smell like lilacs or roses. We will be those envied people who are always comfortably dry and happy and it will only cost us hundreds and hundreds of dollars and our souls.

Someone needs to drop everything they are doing and make me some pet food that doesn't look and smell and taste so appetizing! It's not my fault - I am often weak and hungry and I just get down on all fours and devour the food like the animal that I am. I am not proud of it, but I am also not ashamed. I am who I am and that is someone with zero impulse-control especially when around delicious, mushy, scrumptious pet food. Do I need to be eating it? No! I should be consuming the "people food" that is in the fridge. So, get on it and stop making it so great. And while they are it, I think that it is high time that someone makes some pet food that can give my pets the ability to dance. I really want to have dancing pets. And also ones that smell better and don't whine so much.

I'd appreciate if one of you smart guys could perfect the vacuum. Now don't get me wrong, the vacuum in its current state is satisfactory and fine. But let's face it- it's boring and never quite gets the rug or carpet or house pet totally dirt and dust free and for those of us who want that, vacuums are hugely disappointing and a constant source of frustration along the lines of taps that leak, shoe laces that come untied and education for education's sake. What I would like in my new-fangled dream vacuum is to have a multi-level portable machine where each level satisfies something deep inside of me. Allow me to explain. Level 1: a throwback of sorts to the current state of household vacuums. I would never use this level to clean with - instead I would only flip to it occasionally when I want to remember the past in all of it's not-quite-totally-clean glory. Level 2: this level would be the most used - a super-strong suction for those of us who are stuck in our current regularly, vacuumed world. All dust and dirt would be instantly sucked up and any small items the family wants to keep would need to be kept out of the vicinity of the suction tube as it would be that powerful. I imagine that once freed of dust and dirt in the household overall happiness would skyrocket thus having a huge impact on the worldwide sale of tissues outside of cold and flu season. Level 3: not sure how often or under what circumstances this level will be used, but in level 3, all small to medium pieces of furniture, pets, items on counters or shelves within 10 metres would all be suck into the large tube. Glasses, earrings, paintings on the wall, prized collection of pelts all gone. I'm sure that someone will come up with a use for this newfound power and that we wouldn't live in fear of accidentally turning the dial to this level, and I'm sure someone will call into radio shows bemoaning the invent of this level in the first place while the host will counter that the coffee table was probably a garish eyesore and your long-haired cat mostly just shed and whined anyways up until the moment they got sucked away. Level 4: a level that would need the utmost caution before being used and, I would surmise, a signed consent form and an agreement not to sue the company in case of accident. This level would be used when someone wants to just start over - you would only need to open your front door, lean back and press the button and seconds later, empty house. This could also be used to empty the pool, literally; to get a choice of any parking spot you want by clearing the block; to actually vacuum up your enemies after decades of having to be metaphorical. Based on this power, glue companies would have to up their game as people would need some way of guaranteeing their prized possessions couldn't be sucked out the window by their neighbours. Philosophers of the future will contemplate the existence of a level 5, a level that doesn't currently exist but which all vacuums aspire to reach. Level 5 would be the level where we can only hypothesize what existence would be like - as the vacuum achieves perfection, would we also, in turn reach a higher plain of existence and knowledge or would be constantly at risk of being sucked into oblivion.


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