BC Counsellor Q&A

How long have you been a school counsellor?

I started counselling at Gladstone Secondary School in Vancouver in September 2007 - amazing that I am already in my 9th year!

 What drew you to this profession?

As a classroom teacher I always wished there was more time to really get to know the students, and as much as I loved teaching, I always knew that I would want to do something else within the public education system eventually. Early in my career I was very involved in extra-curricular drama and directed and produced a number of plays. Each rehearsal we would "check-in" and talk about how we were feeling that day and I spent so much time working on the relationships that the acting was less important. The connections I was able to make with the students and the connections I helped them make with each other got me thinking about counselling. Around this time I also suffered a great loss in my life and sought out counselling for the first time. Shortly after, a student to whom I was close took his own life, and I found myself quite naturally assuming the role of a counsellor for my grieving drama students, which was quite a powerful experience for me. I applied for the Master's of Counselling Psychology program at UBC shortly afterwards. 

What is your approach to counselling?

I am all about developing relationships and my goal is to have the students see me as an adult they can really trust and come see about anything; and they do. Whenever I have a new group of students I spend a lot of time early in the year talking to the kids, going into classrooms and having them get to know me in a variety of settings. I try to make myself available every break and lunch and often after school and I encourage the kids to drop in, hang out and feel comfortable. I spend hours and hours on this and then the kids see me as someone who really cares, is cool (sort of), has a sense of humour and loves to listen to anyone talk about anything. I like to describe myself as a combination of a father, a cheerleader and a friend. The approach seems to work well, as over time so many kids come to see me and share very personal stories.

How have you changed as a counsellor over time?

I believe I have come a long way in the past 8+ years. The transition between teaching and counselling was initially a challenge for me, but fortunately the first administrator I worked with had been a long time counsellor and her mentorship was invaluable. I was able to sit in on meetings with her and see firsthand what she said and how she approached challenging parents, students and situations. We would often sit together and talk about my role and then she'd slowly step back in meetings over time and allow me to take on a larger role as my confidence grew.

When I first started I remember feeling like I didn't want to make a mistake or say the wrong thing to a student that may make them feel worse. I also didn't feel like myself and more like I was trying to follow the steps I'd learned in school. I guess a few things happened simultaneously: I became more comfortable in my role, I was exposed to similar situations again and again and the positive indirect and direct feedback from my clientele - the students - all helped me grow in confidence. I still have a lot to learn and room to grow, but feel so much more confident and comfortable than I did this time in 2007.

What is the best thing and worst thing about being a school counsellor?

Easily the best thing for me is spending time with teenagers and helping them. I think even for the strongest and most well-adjusted student, the years in high school are so challenging. Everyone has complex lives, is navigating emotional highs and lows and just needs someone to talk to who can be trusted and doesn't judge. I love being in that role. In Vancouver we are grade counsellors - I love being the counsellor for an entire cohort and staying with them for their time in high school. The grade 12 year is really something special, for the students and for me.

The worst part...when a student you are trying to help is stuck in ways that you can't help them. It is frustrating and I tell the student that at least talking about how they feel is very worthwhile, but I know that there are forces at play that I have no ability to change.

If you could change one thing about your job, what would it be?

A bigger office? Beach access? Free lunches? Seriously, I wouldn't change much. I get to interact with many people, I can use my sense of humour, I can dress casually and the hours feel like they fly by as it is usually really busy. I also love puzzles and my work on the school timetable satisfies that. I thoroughly enjoy my work and I'm always telling students when we do career exploration and planning that their goal is to find a job where they wake up in the morning and they are happy to go to work and looking forward to the day and the challenges ahead, and feel like they have accomplished something real and satisfying at the end - that's how I feel.

How do you see the school counsellor’s role in the school community? What about the broader community beyond school?

I am primarily an advocate for my students and see my role as helping them in all areas of their school life. I don't take that responsibility lightly. I also work closely with parents as many students' struggles in school and life require a systemic approach.

Awareness of compassion fatigue is growing. What things do you do to prevent your own compassion fatigue?

We've all had those days where there seems to be a long line of students who are upset as well as other important situations that require my attention and I literally feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions. It is quite mentally and physically exhausting. I consider myself so fortunate to be part of a great team at work. There are four counsellors and we are constantly sharing and debriefing - that is invaluable. I also feel very supported by my administration. I always try to put myself in the student's shoes - I find that no matter how fatigued I may feel or how many students I've talked to without a break, that if I do this, it is easier to summon up the necessary compassion.

I also take care of myself outside of school and have a number of areas where I am able to unwind and figuratively recharge my batteries before the next day at work. I am an avid athlete - I compete in Ultimate Frisbee and squash and routinely attend hot yoga classes. I love cooking. I have two young children and we have an active and fun time together. I have always found that no matter how exhausted or stressed I feel when I leave work, they demand (quite literally) my attention and focus and force me to "switch off" my work brain. I am also so fortunate to be in an amazing relationship with my wife - it can't be overstated how much of a positive impact being truly happy outside of work has on my work performance.

Finally, I write. I am a prolific writer and have been publishing short stories, creative non-fiction, recipes and fictionalized versions of counselling experiences for the past few years on my blog. The chance to truly express myself in this way is transformative and cathartic. I find that writing does something very similar for me that exercise does - I feel totally refreshed and excited afterwards. I am most proud of the pieces I've written about my family and my counselling pieces, with the latter giving me a chance to "talk" about and work through difficult situations. 

All of this together helps me combat compassion fatigue.

If you were not a school counsellor, what would you be doing?

Earlier in my life, I would have answered an executive chef at a restaurant, basketball announcer on television or a radio DJ. These days, my passion is writing and I have had a few short pieces published by creative writing journals. I am also a featured contributor and content editor at Suite.io (check out my blog at suite.io/tommy-paley if interested). My goal is to publish my own collection of short stories someday and I'd love to go back to school and study creative writing as I still have so much to learn.