Here is my primer on how to thoroughly enjoy staff meetings while also placing yourself smack on top of management's good books without drawing too much ire from your fellow employees.
1) Show up early! Nothing says "I love my job, and therefore, you" to your boss than being one of the first people at the meeting. Being late on the other hand only works if you are (a) the boss's son and/or daughter, (b) the boss's husband/wife/concubine, (c) the cool one who seemingly gets away with anything as they are that cool (you aren't).
2) Don't show up too early, though. You shouldn't camp out over night like you are waiting for concert tickets to your favourite boy band. It doesn't pay off in the long run to appear overly eager as your currently friendly colleagues may want to "rip your head off" or "slash your tires" or "send you enticing emails with pornography that is full of hidden viruses that will cripple your hard drive".
(3) Management usually offers light breakfast items and hot beverages. Now is not the time to prove to your new colleagues that you can in fact stuff five doughnuts in your mouth at one time. Make sure you blow carefully on your steaming beverage of choice before taking a sip unless you enjoy the special feeling in your mouth that only scalding can bring. Rule of thumb - eat before arriving and then refuse all offers so as not to look like a pig. If necessary claim to be on a cleanse or fasting for religious purposes.
4) When the meeting begins, your boss will invariably open with a joke. It will fall somewhere between tear-your-hair-out unfunny and excruciatingly horrible. See this as a test. A test that if you fail, you'll be unceremoniously fired, and if you pass, you will both literally and figuratively live to see another week. Resist the urge to one-up your boss with your own comedic stylings because no matter how funny and witty your jokes seem, now is just not the time.
5) The meeting will invariably have its slow moments and your mind will naturally drift and yet it is supremely important that you appear attentive and focussed at all times. Come prepared with some mental logic problems, a pencil so you can draw series of funny pictures of your colleagues as farm animals on the agenda and silly string, just in case it is that sort of staff meeting.
6) When the management asks for a volunteer to strike a committee or take on extra responsibilities or act as a human Guinea pig you must avoid coming across as annoyingly super-enthusiastic as that will only draw the ire of your peers who will either super glue your stapler to your desk or just bypass the stapler and go directly to you.
7) By all means raise your hand and contribute to the discussions, but try not to speak too much or too often or with grammar that is too perfect, as this meeting isn't about you and your brilliant ideas and lovely voice and impeccable English skills. That meeting is next week (it isn't).
8) When it is time for different departments to give updates to the staff on current projects and developments do not call out things such as "you da man!", "damn straight!", "you go girl!" and "those ideas are well and good and quite cute and rudimentary, but in my spare time I did a little research and I think you will all agree that my ideas far surpass yours in every way."
9) After the meeting is over, shake as many hands, slap as many backs and run as many shoulders as you can without injuring yourself or others. Whatever you do, don't shake, slap or rub too vigorously or people will be prone to get the wrong idea.
10) With another meeting come and gone, return to your office, cubicle, broom closet and await the next meeting. Well done!
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