Thursday, October 23, 2014

Searching For a Victimless Crime

I am spreading peanut butter everywhere as I transition to a world where peanut butter is spread everywhere...wow...what a sticky, sticky, rich and tasty mess this is.

You spend every minute of your free time at the library mostly for the easy access to amazing literature and topical magazines but also out of misplaced guilt. Libraries have always been a destination for you when you have a surplus of misplaced guilt.

I decide to abruptly halt my drafting lessons to fly to the African jungle to observe gorillas in their natural habitat only stopping on the way to make a bead necklace for my aunt and eat exactly four egg yolks.

You are always dreaming of a world where the morbidly skinny and the refreshingly-positively obese can live harmoniously side-by-side.

I'm excited by the idea of being a micromanager - just the concept of being really really tiny sounds very enjoyable, although I am concerned about getting lost in the wind and having a hard time earning and keeping the respect of those I am tasked with managing.

You always wear a lot of brown clothes without even a hint of sarcasm, but you promise everyone that you are working on it.

I often wonder if items in the clearance bin are more excited about the prospects of being bought and finally escaping the horrors of "the store" or if they have just given up hope and just want to be eaten already. It's also possible they just love bins and for that reason, I have made a series of my own bins in a variety of shapes and sizes to house the items for the first few days after their purchase, to ease the transition.

You have achieved your goal! Your lips do in fact say "kiss me" while the rest of your body says "that will be $10 please".

I have decided to spend this winter being as irrationally optimism as is safe. It will be a welcome progression from a totally irrationally-spent summer and a ridiculously-optimistic autumn. Who knows what next spring will bring? 

You are relishing your new role at work and it makes you smile ironically as you have always had a strong distaste for relish and those that smile upon eating it.

I have come to the decision that if I am to start breaking all of your rules, I will only do so according to a new set of rules that I will spend hours and hours devising as I am just not ready to disregard the existence of all rules, yet, just yours.

You love my spirit and my soul and to a lesser degree my clothes, which I say are only the fabric representation of my spirit and soul, which you are such a big fan of. You only shake your head and refuse to hold my hand when we walk in public places.

I am totally enjoying my new role as a deal breaker and, if things continue to go well, I may look into expanding into becoming a final straw as well. I've always figuratively wanted to be a straw and am willing to attempt a literal application as well as long as someone else provides the cup.

You are spending a disconcerting amount of time dribbling a basketball outside in the rain without any socks on. Put on some socks already!

I enter my living room and I see a small pile of books on the table and don't think much of it as, let's face it, they look fairly harmless. Later on, I enter the living room again, and the pile of books appears slightly taller and, it may be just me, more menacing. Before heading to bed, I need to grab a book to read and I enter the living room to find one and I that the pile of books on my table has become huge and that is not only intimidating, but also clearly not into the whole me-choosing-one-to-read-before bedtime thing and I swear I feel not only multiple sets of eyes upon me as I inch out the room but also a series of low growls and grunts. Suffice it to say, I went to bed without a goodnight story yet again.

You always let your imagination get the better of you to amazing results and you have been thinking about offering a class on this at the local community centre.

I have been spending a lot of my free time searching for a victimless crime - just in case. The rest of my time is spent grating and occasionally eating carrots.

You are just so exhausted these days. It is cold and flu season, you are working long hours and just not getting enough sleep or exercise. Your imaginary monkey and panda miss you.




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